Six in the Suburbs

Beautiful Girl.

2010-10-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

There are times when being a mom is so exhausting, you think you could lay down and sleep forever. I'm not talking about sleepless nights with a bitchy baby. Those are hard times, for sure, but after awhile, things get better and you catch up on your sleep. That's like the 'sprint' part of the race; I'm talking about the 'endurance' part- the part where you have to have the same 'talks' (about curfews, friends, boyfriends, money, etc....) over and over again. And for the most part, things really don't get totally resolved but everyone feels better for letting it out. Sometimes, it seems as though it takes years of 'talks' to get through to a kid! We take these 'talks' pretty seriously with Emma and Brandon because of the situation with their dad. It's like we are emotionally checking in with them to give them lots of opportunities to talk, vent, cry, whatever. It's our idea of helping them stay healthy because Steve (otherwise known as the sperm donor) drags them down all the time.

We had one of those 'talks' with Emma this week. At 18, she is a beautiful, smart, charismatic young woman. She is, admittedly, insecure about leaving the nest and experiencing new things because she doesn't want to miss us too much. Great. So, now on top of having the courage to actually 'let her go' we have to force her ass out the door, too?!!? It's all too much sometimes....it's the part that exhausts me. But I know that I will continue to build her up so that she will someday see the wonderful woman that I see when I look at her.

Today, as I was reelilng from kids' Halloween costumes, dogs being fed, lunches being made and dealing with Brandon, Emma came up from her room ready for work. She looked in the mirror at herself and said, "I look really pretty today." I said (wearily), "Emma you have always been pretty." To which she replied, "I never felt pretty in high school, but I do now. I'm so happy!"

It was like an energy shot to my exhaustion. It was a glimmer of positive energy. It felt like I could keep up this marathon of positive affirmations!

Until she has PMS again.

You're Fatter Than you Think.

2010-10-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

Trust me on this one.

Lately, I've been feeling kinda crappy. You know, sore joints and tired all the time. I had been thinking that maybe I have something wrong with me medically. But yesterday my knees were hurting and when I looked down at them I felt like I was choking. So, I went over to the mirror and looked at my reflection. Like, really looked. It was bad. Really, really bad. You see, the reason I was choking when I looked down is because I have as many chins as my super-fat Bulldog! The worst part about the realization that I'm so fat is that I had been fooling myself for sooooooo long. I figure, I'm either really stupid or really, really great at talking myself up!!

So what's a girl to do? I joined Weight Watchers today. I told the girl at the desk that I'm a "great signer-upper!". She laughed and gave me a little personal counselling (I'm sure she wants to 'save' me!) She told me that in 4 weeks, when I think about quitting (I always quit around the 4 week mark for some reason??), that I should think about my kids. Not in the I'mgoingtodieifdon'tlosetheweight way.....but in the ifyourkidisn'tdoingwellinmathdoyoutellhimhecanjustquitmath? way. Obviously the answer is no, quitting isn't an option. So, this time I am going to really just look at this on a day-to-day basis and I'm sure sometimes it will be hour-to-hour. I'm not going to turn this into a weight-loss blog because I have a lot of interesting things to write about. But I am going to hold myself accountable from now on and that may include posting about it from time to time.

People are always surprised to hear that I have 4 kids. I always say, "I earned this body!!" But my goal is to become the person who is healthy and happy with myself and to truly feel as if I earned it.

The Great Escape.

2010-10-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

We did it! We finally managed to organize a mommy and daddy getaway for an entire week...cue the super-sexy music and light the candles! We had it all planned out.....Dominican Republic, a week at a 5-star resort, lots of romance and hotel sex....and no kids, hockey, horseback riding lessons, Beavers, schoolwork, principals or careers to get in the way. It was going to be AWESOME!

The first day there was a little tough because we were up at 4am to make our flight and by the time we landed and took the 45-minute bus ride to the resort we were exhausted! We were so happy to get the key to our love-cave and sleeeeeeep! Until we opened the door. It REEKED like mold!! It was an instant headache and upset tummy all at once. We were trying so hard to be positive, but I finally said, 'I'm sorry, but I can't spend a week in this shithole.' So we went to the desk and got ourselves a new room that didn't smell as bad. As soon as we got settled we knew that we wanted to get some sleep-after all, it was 7:30 at night! Eric plugged in his Cpap machine (for sleep apnea) and guess what? It didn't work. That really sucked for him, because he doesn't sleep well without it. But he was quite positive about and took the 'I can't do anything about it so why get upset?' attitude which was great. It was the attitude that I should have taken when I woke up with my period the next day. The first freakin' morning of my first fricken' vacation in 3 flippin' years. My stupid period was late by 2 weeks and I had actually told myself that I'm sure that it's early menopause, maybe I won't even get it anymore? Very stupid girl. Anyhow, again- not much we could do, so I cried about it then went on my merry way to the pool....

Over the course of the week we adopted a routine which went like this: beach, pool bar, lunch. Infinity pool, nap, dinner. All week, that's basically what we did. It was lovely, except for the shits that set in around day 4. That day, we went to the pool and laid on chairs very close to the bathrooms!

As we navigated our way through our all-inclusive coma (we just aren't used to doing nothing for an entire week!) I think we realized that we could relax in spite of our setbacks. That even planning a holiday around my monthly cycle is not a guarantee. That Eric doesn't need sleep as much as he thought he did. That the shits suck, but Imodium helps. A lot. And above all else, no matter what is going wrong, it can all be made right again by drinking the appropriate amounts of Cuba Libres or Mojitos in the pool. Amen mon amigos.

The Quest for Balance.

2010-04-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

Well it finally happened. I finally went back to work this weekend and it was beautiful and horrifying at the same time. I was so happy to be back but shit! It was busy and we were understaffed. It had been 6 months since I had worked there, and things had changed! New paging system, new policies, new documents to complete and things were moved around. I struggled on Saturday but on Sunday I was hitting my groove again and it felt, well, like home really...today I feel more "balanced" than I have in a looooong time. You can't buy balance and you can't wish it...you have to create it. I finally feel that (as a wife and mother of 4 kids) I can have a career that excites me and interests me. Right now I'm only working part-time, but I know that when the kids are a little older that will change. And I am looking forward to that day!!

Another great part about working this weekend was that I didn't have to put my "Random Comment Generator" on autopilot to spend time with Sam. I love, LOVE Sam. He is a very sweet, busy, fashion-conscious boy. But I get so tired of his constant need to converse. It is exhausting. I realize that this is a stage and in 15 years I'll be wishing for this time back blah, blah, blah. I have four kids, ok? By the time the fourth kid hits the less desirable stages (non-stop questions, peeing the bed, sniffing their fingers all the time) I am a little tired. Don't get me wrong here- I am very laid back and calm. But I know from experience that the only way to escape the "shitty stages" of my kids' lives is to actually escape. A lot of parents look for solutions to these stages by scouring the internet or reading "kid help books" but I have learned that these times are to be endured, not solved.

Brandon came home for a visit this weekend and, unfortunately, I didn't get to see him much. I'm okay with it, though, because I am not the only person in this family who needs to have a relationship with Brandon. So, (thank all that is holy for Eric) the fam-jam spent some time together without momma-bear. They had a fabulous, stress-free time thanks to that man-angel husband of mine. He drove the 5-hour 'round trip twice this weekend just so we could be a complete family again. I know that it was a great visit because Brandon is begging to move back home now. I told him he needs to finish his school year and then we'll talk. After all, we all know Brandon changes his mind faster than I can change a diaper, and that's pretty damn fast. The truth of the matter is that I have made a pretty sweet scrapbooking room out of his old bedroom. Around here we call it "The Happiest Place on Earth", and I'm not so sure that I'm willing to give it up! Does that make me selfish??

We all need to find a way to fit the "wants" and "needs" into our lives, that's what balance is all about, right? I just hope that Sam will find balance between talking and silence soon.

That Little Voice!

2010-04-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything in your busy little life seems to stand still and you realize that you are actually playing a large part in what happens to you? That you are not a victim, but more of a....um....driver?

I had one of those moments today. I was cleaning carpets, washing windows, nursing a sick teenager and (sigh) playing referee to the dogs. I ate a plate of nachos with cheese while I sat on my fat ass and watched the View. I also felt the pain in my knee from running yesterday.

In my one little moment, I realized that my life is exactly how I want it to be. If it wasn't, then I would do things differently, right? For example, I want to keep a clean house and I love being a mom (most of the time) so I try hard in my quest to be good at those things. I ate nachos and watched the View because they are both slightly rebellious (hey, some things about me may never change). My knee hurts because I don't get out to run enough to be able to eat nachos without adding stress to my joints. The dogs, well, we all know that the dogs both arrived at moments of boredom in my life. Really, all I can say about that is Thank GOD for Tubal Ligation.

In my small moment today I found clarity. My subconscious self was screaming at me. SCREAMING!

"Your little life is a big eff'n deal. People are counting on you, children are watching you to see how you will react to adversity. Their future families are being developed long before you will be be done raising them."

This is a huge freaking revelation! To think that the way I clean, what I eat, how I exercise, how much I yell at those fricken' dogs is, essentially, determining the quality of life of my future grandchildren?? My GOD! This is huge...this is massive!! And then I heard it. A little, teeny-tiny voice. It was my subconscious' subconscious. And you know what it was saying???

"You need to get back to your career, loser."

Seriously.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.....

2010-03-24T05:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but after having 4 kids I am still amazed by the chaos they can cause without really trying. They can turn a simple shopping excursion into absolute purgatory. They can turn a quiet family dinner discussion into a dramatic performance worthy of a frickin' Academy Award. They can ask so many questions that your ears start to bleed.
They can tell a lie.
Most kids lie all the time and we never really notice. A little, "I didn't do it!!" here and a little "I brushed my teeth" there. It's all seeminglyy harmless, right? Well Kristen told a doozy a couple of weeks ago that created an immense amount of chaos which included the police, the Children's Aid and it probably shaved about 10 years off my life.
It all started with a sleepover at her bestest friend's house on a Saturday night a couple of weeks ago. They went out for dinner, went skating and had a sleepover. We've known this little girl and her parents for about 4 years. The girls go back and forth to each other's houses often for playdates. So, on Sunday night I put Kristen in the shower. She's lathering up, doing her thing....then I tell her it's time to wash her hair. As I'm holding the shampoo over her cupped hand she says it. Like this-
"Amanda's dad already washed my hair last night"
Um. Blood swishing in my head.......WHAT?!!? WTF DID MY BABY JUST SAY TO ME???
So, I started asking her questions...when did he give you a shower? What did he wash? How did you feel? And on and on....and SHE sees my interest and she knows that she has to answer my questions. So, after our discussion I say to her, "We have to talk to Amanda's dad or to the police, honey." She freaks out. Full-on crying and pleading, "Please don't tell Amanda's dad! Please, please, please!" So, I am thinking that this monster has touched and then threatened my baby because why else would she be so terrified of him? He is a monster, monster, monster who must be punished!
So Eric and I head into the police station to find out what we should do.
Within 2 hours (on a Sunday) they had a team of Special Investigators, the Children's Aid and interviews were being conducted in a special audio/video room. I interviewed first, then Kristen. (Because she disclosed to me, I was a witness and I could not be told what happened in Kristen's interview.) After a couple of hours with the police, we left and they assured us that Amanda's family would be brought in for questioning next. At this point, they had no idea that this was even going on. So, we had to go on with our lives for a couple of days until the police couldl figure out what they would be charging this asshole with.
After a day of worry, tears and specualation we get the call from the police.
Um. Yeah. Kristen lied about the shower.
She admitted it all when I confronted her and said she was so scared that she would be caught lying that she didn't want us to talk to Amanda's dad because then he would call her out! The entire thing started when Kristen decided she didn't want her hair washed so she made up the lie about Amanda's dad washing her hair the night before. It just started a snowball effect that ended with Amanda's dad having his ass hauled in for questioning!!

The first thing we did was take Kristen straight over to Amanda's house for apologies. It was heartfelt and we were mortified, but her family was really cool about it. I learned something really important from that experience though....

Kristen opens her eyes and mouth really wide when she lies.

Faking It.

2010-03-10T16:09:00.001-08:00

No matter how hard I try, I am starting to realize that I can't please everybody all of the time. It's a very tough lesson to learn (especially for a woman) but it's something that I am trying, trying to pass onto my daughters so they are saved from a lifetime of heartache.
Okay. So maybe I'm being a little dramatic.
I have realized that I don't want my girls to grow up thinking that they have to spend their lifetimes pleasing other people. I mean, we aren't here for all that long are we? Why spend it doing what we think other people think we should do? Why don't we spend our time doing things that feed and nourish our spirits and souls? I guess the biggest challenge to that is figuring out what it is that makes us feel whole and complete.
I am struggling to balance making a paycheque and feeling fulfilled by my career. It's just not happening....but I am not sure that it really does for many women? How am I supposed to pass along the message to my girls if the message is isn't being delivered in full, to me? Sometimes, I feel as lost as my 18 year-old trying to figure out what she wants out of life and I am 39!!
While I am searching the abyss for my career happiness, I will continue to learn my skill and collect my paycheque. And even though I am struggling to find inner peace and tranquility with my own job, I guess I can "fake it 'til I make it" for my girls' sake.

OMG.

2010-01-30T17:58:00.000-08:00

OMG. WTF?!!?

Dog is still having "shitting problems". Other dog is having problems going outside because it's too damn cold. Seven year-old is having hormone squirts. Five year-old is, well, a whiny five year-old. Seventeen year-old is going to be eighteen in a couple of weeks and refuses to get her driver's license for some unknown reason. Fifteen year-old is a ski bum who never calls.

Work never stops (at home and at work). I need a freakin' vacation, like, yesterday.

But I am alive. And all this pain makes me aware of that. (I'm kidding!)(a little).

OMG.

Operating Room Drama

2010-01-27T19:03:00.000-08:00

I have been hesitant to post much about the operating room because it really is a forbidden world. There are a lot of things going on while a person is having an operation, sometimes even a lot of drama. I experienced some of that drama recently.

There is a surgeon at the hospital where I work who is very good at what he does. He is an excellent surgeon and he is brilliant. What he isn't, is easy to work with......

Before I scrubbed in, the nurses in the room asked me, "Have you ever worked with Dr. "bleep"? ( I am bleeping out his name). "No", I replied. "Well," they said, "he is a very smart man and you can learn a lot from him if you want to." So, I'm thinking, this could be good....he's smart and I can absorb some of it! Win/Win!! "But," the nurse warned, "if he starts saying 'good God almighty' we will know it is time to step in and help you out." So, I'm thinking- Awesome! I can learn AND they are not going to let him eat me alive if things aren't going well! It could be a great day!!

.....could was the key word.....

About 30 minutes into the long case, that surgeon started uttering his "good God almighty's". So, I start looking around the room, expecting someone to come save me. Nobody comes. So, I suck it up and continue to work away, doing the best I can...

About 50 minutes into the case he starts raising his voice. "Motherf*cker! What the hell is the problem with this?!!? Everyone flinches, but nobody saves me.

About 60 minutes into the case- "Motherf*cking C**ksu*ker!!! Why is this happening??" Now, I am getting worried. He is upset with the way the surgery is going so I know that it is bound to come back to me...I mean, I am the only one standing there, right? Certainly I will become this guy's punching bag...and did I ever! Suddenly, if he didn't like the way I handed him something he wouldn't accept it- just stood there with his hand open, waiting, or even worse he would let the instument drop to the bed. JERK!! But, more importantly, NOBODY CAME TO RESCUE ME.....so I started pounding this doctor's hand with the instruments, and all you could hear was his glove slapping. I was feeling pissed off, confused and abandoned...and then I suddenly felt as though I could only count on myself. I quickly realized that he needed me. He needed to be able to count on me even if he was going about it the wrong way.

I felt as though I may be a real-live OR nurse.

At the end of the case, when my face was red from indignation, and the surgical site was closed, the doctor said, "Thank you very much. You did a great job." I wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time! (but, more punch) Because he did teach me a hard lesson- that I have nobody to count on but myself, my skills and my knowledge- and neither does the surgeon I am working with.

I just never want to work with that jerk again.

Divine Order of Events.

2010-01-27T18:37:00.000-08:00

I am a great believer that everything happens for a reason. It is not always easy to see that when some shitty thing is happening to you, but in the end it is true nonetheless. And so I am trying to find the reason for my latest heartbreak......

Brandon was supposed to move home last week but at the 11th hour he decided to stay with his dad. It really doesn't make any sense because he was begging to move home over the Christmas holidays, but now he is adamant that he wants to stay. It really is not the best thing for Brandon, to stay there, but it is clearly the best thing for the other 5 members of his family here at home. So, I accepted his decision and told him that if he decides to stay now, he is staying for the long term because I can't ask everyone here to keep making life adjustments to suit him. So, in short, Brandon has broken my heart YET AGAIN. And let me tell you- it hurts like HELL. So finding the reason for all of this pain is not clearly visible. Yet. But I have faith that it will...in fact, one of my best friends always says, ".....shit works out." I have faith in that right now!

When I think about it, maybe this is all divine intervention to ensure that I can focus on my career and not be distracted by Brandon's bullsh*t? I mean, this operating room thing is the hardest career move I have ever made and dealing with the day-to-day issues of a troubled teen just wouldn't help me focus...in fact, it has been proven to hinder my performance at work- take last Friday, for example...the day Brandon was supposed to move home but he decided not to- was the worst day that I have had at work yet! I couldn't stop contaminating myself, I screwed up the simplest things and I kept making really stupid mistakes over and over. I left work in tears and I know that if it hadn't been a Friday, with 2 days off before I had to go back, I wouldn't have gone back. It is that simple. One problem with Brandon resulted in no sleep, tears, no concentration and a completely screwed up day at work! I was actually dreading Monday, but I had a chance to regroup and change my attitude and it was one of my greatest days ever!

I am no expert at life. In fact, I am just suffering greatly like everyone else. But I do believe in a higher order of events. I also believe that nothing happens without a reason...even if that reason does not become obvious for a long time. So, with that in mind, I am attempting to continue to learn a new career while mending my broken heart and missing my child like crazy, all while raising 3 other kids at home. Life moves on!

Technical Difficulties.

2010-01-16T16:17:00.000-08:00

I guess that's what you could call my reason for not blogging lately. I really don't get it- I LOVE blogging- it's my personal therapy that is posted on the internet for anyone to read, but I have had such a hard time with it since Brandon moved out. It's not that the drama isn't here anymore, believe me! I've found Emma's fake ID, chewed out Sam for wiping his shitty ass on our face towels (and on towels at other people's houses) and dealt with the ongoing issue of our Bulldog's constipation (whose dog actually gets constipated to the point of needing 3 enemas and a single vet visit to the tune of $300)?!!? The drama continues with learning a new job in the operating room and going back to work fulltime for the first time in years, a dad with a subdural haematoma, a mom with winter burn-out, a troubled teenager moving home in a week, an untroubled teenager who is undoubtedly having sex (thank GOD for leaving the condoms in the bathroom- they are almost gone!) and a couple of other kids who fight all the time. Add on the puppy (still pissing wherever the urge hits her!) and the adult bulldog who made me late for work on Friday morning because she just couldn't pass her stool and had to squat for 15 minutes, and you have a basket case. No wonder I have a red face that needed medical attention (it was only really dry, sensitive skin!) and a really hard time not drinking red wine.

Instead of calling my lack of blogging a "life obstacle" issue, I'm just going to tell you that my problem is that my laptop died (some kid spilled some shit on it). I haven't got a new laptop yet, but my ever-patient, loving husband is working on that as I write this. Well, in actual fact, he is walking the non-shitting bulldog in the hopes that her b

Ban Flakes and Dulcolax will kick in with the exercise and help her produce a great bowel movement that he can pick up with the grocery bag that is CERTAIN to have holes in it.

I am not lying about my life, people. It is all happening to me and around me, whether I like it or not. And in light of the fact that there has been such tragedy in Haiti (God bless them all) I would take my screwed-up life anyday.

Peace.

Ugh. Resolutoin HELL......

2010-01-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

They say that time heals all wounds.....and I'm sure that "they" must mean a loooooong period of time. Or maybe I'm just a spiteful bitch who holds a grudge (maybe?!!?), but I am still willing to let my kid move home in about 3 weeks when his first semester is over. Turns out that he is depressed, lonely and not really getting the guidance that he needs from his dad. (REALLY?!!? oops....spiteful bitch is surfacing again....) So, we have decided that he needs to come home, get some therapy, get a job and get a circle of support gathered around him. We, as a collective, have had a nice break from the stress that Brandon was inflicting and we all agree that he deserves another chance. We are refreshed and rested, so let's give this another try shall we??

I have made a few resolutions for the New Year. I would like to lose weight and exercise more (blah, blah, blah)....I am also going to cut back on my red wine consumption (to help with the weight loss). I think I should try to stay out of school this year also, and just focus on settling into the new job. Well, that's a really tough one, but I'll try really hard! Ya know, when I think about resolutions, I am struck by the fact that most people have them. There's a lot of people in the world who see their own faults and weaknesses and who are spending a LOT of time and energy to change themselves. Maybe embracing ourselves is the first step in healthy changes...maybe loving ourselves will just, automatically, make others love us no matter what our weight, colour, or appearance may be? Maybe acceptance is the best resolution of all? After all, if these things were so important to us, wouldn't we have achieved them all before January 1st??

I don't know the answers. All I know is that I will try to do whatever feels good to me. And I hope to GOD that means losing weight and getting into shape.

Christmas.....angry with a touch of hostility

2009-12-29T17:39:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhh!!! Christmas vacation is in full swing. It's actually not too bad so far- Christmas Day is over (and with it most of the chaos), Emma has been working a ton, thanks to her job in retail and we managed to spend a snowy 4 days at my parents' farm. Right now, we are caught in that valley between Christmas and New Year's. This is the time when we have moments to reflect, to ponder.......and we have been pondering A LOT about Brandon moving home.

I am really, really stuck. He's acting a bit of an asshole, really. Typical teenager mixed with unexplained anger and a bit of defiance. On one hand, I want my kid to move home so badly it actually hurts. On the other hand, I don't want to introduce all of that drama back into our lives....the other kids and Eric have been quite happy without all of the bullshit Brandon just naturally carries along with him. I want Brandon without the bullshit, and I have the feeling that it's just not possible right now....he seems a little lost, a lot angry and it doesn't seem as though there have been a lot of expectations placed on him at his dad's house. When he moves back home he needs to be ready to put some work into himself, and at this point he just doesn't seem too interested.

So- to move him home, or not to move him home?

As soon as I know, I will turn to my blog.....after all, a girl has to have some form of stress relief, right???

Undecided.

2009-12-02T15:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I hate being a grown-up. Yeah, I can drink whenever I want and if I don't feel like doing the laundry nobody will yell at me, but sometimes the weight of making life-altering decisions pushes me down. I'm at one of those crossroads in my life. Brandon wants to move home and it's not a decision that I can make with my heart. If I could, he would be at home....but I have 5 other people to consider and that sucks just a little bit.

Turns out he doesn't like living at his dad's house. His dad's girlfriend is "a bitch" (agreed) and it seems as though his dad is sooooo important at his job that he works ridiculous hours and is never home. Add that to the fact that Brandon is missing his siblings and some good home-cooking and you've got a kid that wants to move back home. Seems pretty simple, right? Bad teenager moves away, realizes that life at home was better, moves home and becomes a responsible member of society. Well, I don't have my rose-coloured glasses on this time. That kid can be CHARMING and I refuse to be cast under his spell! I'm sure he has learned that life is better and more comfortable at home but I can't get something out of my mind.......

While we were driving him home on Sunday night, Brandon was talking to us about what he's learned since he left. One of the things he believes is that he was addicted to drugs. Seems that he was addicted to the feeling of being high and that he fell into a crowd of kids who felt the same way. Not his regular group of friends, but some kids that he met at the local coffee shop. Sooooo, while I really want to bring him home, get him counselling and put him in a 12-step program I have to consider the fact that there are other people whose lives will be affected by me "saving" Brandon, yet again. According to Brandon, there is a lot more access to drugs in the small town he currently lives in, but that he's been avoiding that scene. I do believe that because he's passing in school and not skipping class. So, you may ask, why rock the boat if he's doing well? It appears that he's becoming unhappy. I'm afraid that he'll turn to drugs to deal with the pain of not coming home. So, I'm still mulling this situation over. It's not an easy decision to make and in the end I'm sure I'll make the right decision for all 6 of us.

It just sucks.

Just slow down, Jim!!

2009-11-12T16:14:00.000-08:00

My dad is an adrenaline junkie- he "retired" to a 100 acre farm with cattle, he's a mechanic and he still dabbles in repairs ("Johnny Cash may be dead, but Jimmy Cash is alive and well!"-Jim Suter), he hunts, he fishes, he still races his mountain bike. Hell, he even takes square-dancing in Florida and makes it a competitive sport!!He's very cool- he introduced me to CCR, dirtbiking and downhill skiing. This is a guy that just won't stop and he's almost 66 years-old....

But in August he had a biking accident that left him unconscious, without memory and a huge headache. Now, he's suffering what seems to be symptoms of an undiagnosed brain injury from that accident. But, true to my dad's youthful spirit, he's still farming and doing manual labour that would make me take Robaxacet for 2 weeks! That guy is unstoppable!! He's admirable, he's wise, he's generous.....I just wish he would slow down. Is that selfish of me? I don't want to banish him to a rocking chair with a pill organizer....I just want him to stop making everything in life a race. But I realize that's not possible for him....he's a competitive spirit no matter what I say or do. AND I love him for that. But it also irritates me. After all, I worry about keeping my dad in one piece while he nurtures his adventurous side.

But when I think about it, I wouldn't know my dad very well without his competitive edge. I guess the secret to my happiness is figuring out how to love him while he lives life the best way he knows how....in first place!

Problem Solved.

2009-11-12T15:32:00.000-08:00

My husband tells me that problems are made to be solved. He says that most men are consumed with facing a problem and figuring out a way to make it better. I guess that's why men never seem to be listening! Maybe it's why women think men are the simpler sex...it seems very logical and methodical to consider a problem and find the fastest way to solve it. How hard can that be?? For instance, if a man was on his way to work and his car broke down, he may think "Do I have gas? Yes. Is the engine light on? No. Am I pulled off to the side of the road with my hazards on? Yes. I guess I'll call a tow-truck and have this car towed to the shop." If a woman's car broke down she may think, "Why is this happening to me? Did I piss off Judy at work yesterday? Did she put a curse on me? Does God hate me? Is there a God? Why does the car always break down when I have my 4-inch heels on? Do I look desperate sitting here??" It's nobody's fault. It's just the difference between men and women.

Personally, I think problems are made to be learning opportunities. Instead of looking at everything that happens as a singular event to be worked out, I see these instances as a chance to be introspective and to gain wisdom. Whenever I'm faced with a problem, I try to find the solution in an abstract way....if somebody at work snaps at me, I don't see it as their problem and move on. I am more likely to think, "What is her problem? Maybe she's having a hard time at home...I should try to never snap at my co-workers by working extra hard to maintain harmony at home." You see?? Solving a problem AND deciding to be proactive at avoiding another problem....shit!! Women are awesome! We are multi-taskers by nature. We are complex, yes, but if men could just understand that they would quit trying to figure us out all the time.

I admire the logical way my husband thinks sometimes....it just seems so much more simple. Sometimes, women would like things to be a little simpler. And sometimes, we'd like our men to be a little more complex.

Wordless Wednesday......

2009-11-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

My friend Sam.

2009-11-09T17:01:00.001-08:00

I've got a soul-sister.

I don't get to see her as much as I would like, but when we get together it's like a family reunion. She is one of the smartest, coolest women I know and she is so insightful and wise at such a young age. In fact, sometimes when she speaks you might think she is an old soul in a young woman's body because she just makes so much sense. She struggles to find balance in her busy life of marriage, family and career but she does it without apologizing, which I admire so much.

I find it really interesting that I wouldn't know Sam if it weren't for my husband. It's obvious that he and I are meant for each other because he has considered her one of his best friends since high school. Obviously we appreciate the same qualities in a friend and Sam has them all....she never judges if we haven't talked for months because she gets it.....actually she doesn't just get it, she's living it right alongside us. Her family is important to her and they are a beautiful family, living life and planting roots in their town 2 hours away just as we are. Her marriage isn't perfect because she married a wonderful, real man just as I did. She understands that she has made a huge committment for the next 15 years to raise her family the best that she can, but she also understands that she doesn't need to be perfect to do it. So do I. She is an educated woman but she never makes you feel dumb. She places value on being successful in her life, and she includes her family in her success...it's not easy to find that balance, but she just does it.

I admire my soul-sister. I love her. I even model myself after her.

But most of all, I miss her.

Wordless Wednesday on a Thursday with a few words....

2009-11-05T18:02:00.003-08:00

Bulldog Fairy takes down nasty teenager.......

Lists and Blessings...

2009-11-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I've decided to put on my Big Girl panties and be, well, a big girl. I'm taking each day as it comes and trying to be grateful for all that I have. I have a lot and my new outlook is helping me deal with the day-to-day stress I wrote about in my last blog post. So, I have decided to compile a list of the "blessings" in my life. They are as follows:

I have not one, but TWO bulldogs now. I am so lucky that one of them (the baby) shits and pisses on the floor regularily. But at least I have a floor for her to defecate on, right? I swear her bladder is the size of a chickpea because she can't hold it in at all. But I am truly grateful to have her and her screwed-upeyethatissurelygoingtocostusafortunetofix in my life.

I love my kids and they are a constant reminder of the great sex Eric and I used to have. What a joy and a privilege it is for us to put ourselves last for these grateful creatures! Whether it be waking up in the middle of the night to catch the puke or getting up at 5am with Sam to make sure he's not watching soft-core porn on satellite television, it is an honour to give sleep/money/sex/our souls for people that appreciate it soooo much.

Work is a joy that never ends. My job is very rewarding most of the time and I really don't mind working 12 hours straight without a break because some woman I don't know has cracked and bleeding nipples. I feel very happy to contribute to our family's bottom line so we can pay for the lessons and groups that our kids participate in! It's always a great feeling when we can give our 17 year-old (who has a job) money to go and eat dinner at the Keg for her friend's birthday while her friend stands in the doorway waiting to go! I'm sure Emma appreciates my hard efforts at work!

Marrying Eric was the best decision I've ever made. Who else would be willing to work so hard at a relationship under these circumstances? He's a Taurus and he's half-French, half- Italian AND he's so stubborn and pushy that he never gives up on us....I just covet that guy!

I have some really great friends. Unfortunately, I see the girls at the Starbucks drive-thru more than I see most of my friends. It's not really a choice. It's just all the above blessings that prevent me from seeing everyone as much as I'd like. Especially the far-away friends! I wish I could gather all of my girls and put them in the house next door so I could just go over anytime I want!

So, you see, I'm really focussing on the positives in my life. There are so many! Now go and make a list of your own.....

Raising a family is tough shit work.

2009-10-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

I am struggling here, folks.

I'm struggling with kids, work, dogs, marriage, kids, kids, kids........I'm sure it's the same bullshit most other families are dealing with, but right now it seems like it's all about me! I'm tapped out, babies!!!! The noise that Sam and Kristen make during their waking hours would make most people's ears bleed. It's unbelievable and it's my reality at the same time. Sam, as the youngest, refuses to grow up at all. Kristen, one of the middles, refuses to accept that she's NOT a parent. Brandon, another middle, won't call home. And Emma, the oldest, seems to be breaking under the pressure of being the firstborn a little bit. You know how it is with these kids- she comes home in time to make curfew because she's a "good girl" but then she pukes in the toilet from too much fun. I am just living the FREAKIN' DREAM here people!!

A couple of weeks ago, when I realized that I could also be an active participant in my own life, I decided to send a resume to my local hospital for a position in their operating room. Now I have a job interview! It's wonderful and it's scary all at the same time....I do love my job in the Childbirth Centre and I would love to stay on in some capacity, but I did just spend 7 precious months of my time becoming an operating room nurse. And I'm pretty sure that they have waaaay better hours than the 12 hour night shifts I've been pulling for the last 4 months! Don't get me wrong- I really enjoy my job and I hope to stay on in some capacity (maybe casual?). But I have to think about myself as a mid-life aged nurse and I'm not sure that working 40 minutes from home working nights is a long-long-term plan. The only problem is that I LOVE the babies.

Anyhow, career crisis and kid clusterf**ks aside, I am looking for a little breathing room. Eric is awesome (as always) but we struggle to find time alone. The kids are eating us alive and we swore it would never happen! But, somehow, it just started happening and now we are having a hard time stopping it. Suddenly, we are trapped on this treadmill of appointments, extracurricular activities (not our own!), and responsibility...Ewww!

Raising a family is tough shit work. And I'm not a weak person....but I'm feeling a little worn out.

Wordless Wednesday.....

2009-09-16T14:11:00.001-07:00

Just a couple of words, actually.

Bahamas. Booze Cruise. Stranger.

The Best Damn Thing.

2009-09-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

You know how great it feels when you make a good decision? Like, when you buy a top that you KNOW is going to look great with at least 3 pairs of the pants hanging in your closet? Or like a pair of shoes that you are going to wear with a bunch of different outfits? That's how I feel about my decision to marry Eric. Since the moment I said "Yes!!" I have never second-guessed myself. He is the yin to my yang, the Clyde to my Bonnie....he's my everything. He's my cheering section, my second opinion, my better half.

He makes me a better parent.
I'm better at my job because of him. I'm a better friend because of him. I love myself more because of him.

I actually love him more than a great top or any pair of shoes. He's more like the best bra you could ever buy with support and lift.

He's my greatest accessory.

He's Eric.

You Can't Always Get What You Want.

2009-09-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

It's funny how you can't always get what you want, but you do get what you need....there was a great Rolling Stones song about that, and man!! Mick Jagger was right on the money with that one!

Brandon is home for a couple of days while his dad is away at a conference. The Brandon that left this house in June is not the same Brandon that is sitting in my tv room right now playing XBox with Sam and Kristen. I have never seen him so happy. And not happy in a pot-induced way...more of a contented, focused kind of happy. He has patience that I haven't seen in a long time and he seems to be having a good time with his little brother and sister.

It makes me want him to live at home with us again.

But- I know for a FACT that he wouldn't stay like this if he lived at home. Instead, he would fall into his old habits with his old, bad friends. And even though I am a bit of a selfish person, I would never want him to go back to the ditch he used to live in, ya know what I mean? I really want Brandon to become a happy, well-adjusted person and for whatever reason, he isn't able to find that person here with us.

So, although I really, really, really want Brandon to live with us I know that I can't have it right now. But I do get these brief glimpses of a new and improved Brandon that warms my heart. And that's what I need.

Triplets Became Twins:(

2009-09-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

Ya know, life is pretty strange. They say that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe it.....it's just hard to see the reason when something bad is happening to you. Recently, we lost one of our beloved bulldog puppies to a congenital illness. It was heart-wrenching for us, because we had become so attached to our little "Sicky" over the 4 weeks she was alive. We knew she wasn't right- we were hand feeding her around the clock and holding her all the time to keep her comfortable. In the back of our minds we knew she wasn't going to be healthy if she lived...but we fell in love with her sweet face and we probably kept her alive longer because we were selfish. In the end, our sweet little Sicky couldn't breathe and couldn't eat so we made the decision to euthanize her:(

This happened a little less than a week ago and the pain is still there. I'm surprised at how much it actually hurt in the end considering we knew, we knew that she was very sick. But we are moving on with the 2 remaining puppies and loving them while they are with us. We are keeping one of them, for sure, and it sure is hard to consider losing another puppy by selling the remaining one....

So all of this reflection still leads me to wonder: why did a helpless little bulldog puppy have to die? What is the reason??

One thing I know about this for sure? We will NEVER raise another litter of bulldog puppies. We are awesome at taking care of them and any litter of puppies would be lucky to be co-raised by our family.....but we are too soft-hearted to accept how fragile life is.

Rest in Peace, Sicky.

Pain.

2009-08-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

The pain of loss is profound. It is a lonely, cold and empty feeling. Yearning, wishing, hoping....they are all useless when it comes to loss. I've noticed that there has been a process that I've had to endure since Brandon moved away; and it looks a lot like the grieving process...denial, anger, sadness....these are all familiar to me. I am now at a point of acceptance. I accept that he is gone. I accept that I am no longer a big part of his life. I even accept that he doesn't return my calls very often.

I know that Eric has been worried about me and I'm sure he thought that I would have a much harder time with the fact that Brandon is no longer an active member of this family. I mean, it's hard for me to even type that statement. But I am honestly getting used to the peace and quiet in the house, but even more so, in my mind. I am no longer plagued with thoughts, thoughts, emotions surrounding Brandon. My mind is starting to feel freed from the prison of never-ending anxiety. My heart is starting to heal. My feelings are still hurt, but they won't be forever.

I love that kid so much.

Wordless Wednesday...an Oldie but a Goodie!

2009-08-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

Tired and just....tired.

2009-08-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

I know I'm getting old and tired. I feel it in my bones, the way I wake up at 5:30am every day, the way I fall asleep on the couch at 8pm....I can feel it when I'm raising my second 'round of kids too. Kristen and Sam are not getting the same amount of discipline as Emma and Brandon because, quite frankly, I'm tired as hell.

I get mad at myself sometimes, but not for long because I don't want to waste my precious energy on beating myself up over it. I have a lot of other things to beat myself over, believe me!

So today, in the Fracture Clinic, I really saw myself through the eyes of others. There were about 100 of us in the waiting room. The clinic ran about 90 minutes late, so I had lots of chances to not discipline my kids....it's not that they were horrible little assholes, running around and banging into people's broken limbs or anything. They just fought a lot and tattled a lot (ugh!)...I know that they were bored and that's cool; I was bored too! But today I noticed that I'm not as uptight about teaching them lessons EVERY time I have the chance.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not as old as I feel. Maybe I'm just mature enough to know that a dog chasing his tail is just that- a dog chasing his tail. He never catches it, right? I think I have just realized that I am not going to gain anything by nailing the kids every time I get the chance. Plus, I don't want to get out of my rocking chair everytime I have an opportunity. Can ya blame me?!!?

Intimate Moments.

2009-08-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

Our dog gave birth to triplets last week and it was one of the most intimate moments that my husband and I have had.

Isn't that weird?!!?

I mean, we're not weird people....we realize that Jewel is only a dog. But she has been such a part of our family and we felt such pride and excitement when those puppies were born! As a woman who's had 4 kids I felt, for the first time, the excitement and anxiety that comes with waiting for a birth.

It started a few weeks ago when the local vet did the xrays and said, "I'm sorry. There is nothing on the xray that suggests that Jewel is pregnant. There is a condition called a false pregnancy that some dogs will experience." I left that vet's office in tears. I know my dog and I knew that she was changing, physically and emotionally. But I tried to accept the fact that there was a good chance that she wasn't pregnant.

Until I felt those suckers moving.

It was almost as exciting as when I felt my own children move about in my stomach! It was the confirmation that we needed to continue to nurture our dog and to bring those puppies to term. It was the reason we planned a week of vacation around a c-section. And it was the reason we were so excited when the vet technician brought us a box with 3 brand-spankin'-new girl bulldog puppies. It was as though we knew in our hearts that Jewel was pregnant and technology hadn't quite caught up with it yet.

An entire series of events happened to make our sweet, sweet Jewel give birth to her triplets. And we were so excited and ecstatic to be a part of it that it became a very, very intimate moment for us.

What marriage doesn't need more of those?

Girl Power!!

2009-08-16T13:23:00.001-07:00

It amazes me sometimes, how painful life can be. I have felt it during my 38 years and I am certain that I'll feel it again. But when you have a friend (or two) in pain, it can feel just as excruciating as if you were going through it yourself. Especially if you know what they are going through....because, you can't make the pain go away and you KNOW that it is a long road back to feeling good about yourself again. So, what is a friend to do??? I've come to realize that the only thing you can do is implement the 3 L's- Listen, Love and Laugh. The trick is not to laugh when you should be listening. This is why men are not great at implementing the 3 L's. Let's be realistic here- men are great at a LOT of things but listening really isn't one of them. This is the reason that I cherish my girlfriends soooo much! I mean, I really, really love my husband. He is the person I chose to walk through life with! But, my girls are listening when they should and they never, EVER ask me, "Do you want me to listen right now? Or offer you advice?? My girls know when to call, when to suggest wine-drinking and what to say at ALL TIMES. My girls are a great group of women- we all share the same issues with children, aging, husbands and life. My girls are all from different geographical areas and walks of life....most of them don't even know each other! But I guarantee that if I gathered all my girls into the same room at the same time they would all LOVE each other.

Maybe that's not such a bad idea?

Dreams not Lost

2009-08-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

So much to report....so little time......

The vet's x-ray reports no babies in our beloved Bulldog's belly at this time. But I refuse to accept! The dog has teats hanging down to "here" and her personality has changed to a sweet, calm bulldog. She has grown a belly and she is unable to walk more than 150 feet, so I refuse to accept the fact that she isn't pregnant. NOT to mention the fact that I am sure I FELT movement in her belly just today! We are taking her to the breeder's vet on Friday, so I am certain that I'll have good news by then. Our breeder assures us that an x-ray is NOT an accurate measure of whether a bulldog is pregnant or not, especially if the pregnancy isn't far enough along. So I am using my Childbirth Nurse instincts to gauge her signs of pregnancy and, I'm sorry, but I KNOW that I felt some movement in her belly today.

We finally went camping this weekend. It was FUN!! My husband did an amazing job on the floor in the trailer and it doesn't smell at all. I am really looking forward to taking the kids to Niagara Falls next week in it! We had Brandon for the weekend and he was a bit of a teenaged-asshole.....found friends, dumped us for friends, didn't see him enough. I guess some of it has to do with his age, but some also has to do with his personality and that is HARD to accept. But I do. When his dad dropped him off at the campsite, he stayed for a beer so that is moving forward!! I was so happy to have the extra 20 minutes with him to talk about BJ and what is going on in his life! I guess that is progression right there, right?!!?

Kristen broke her wrist on Saturday, which really sucked. We spent 4 hrs in the emergency department at Northumberland Hospital in Cobourg on Saturday morning. She was a trooper and when we got back to our campsite, she managed her pain with Tylenol, a cast and a sling. We refused to let it ruin our first camping trip this year. The really suck-y part is that she'll have a cast on for 4-6 weeks.....that just about covers our 2 weeks of holidays in Niagara Falls and Manitoulin Island.....poor Krissy!! In the meantime, we are looking for a device to cover her cast that allows her to swim without getting it wet!

Worldless Wednesday.......

2009-07-22T10:03:00.001-07:00

Blogger Hell....

2009-07-21T13:46:00.001-07:00

Man! I guess I'm going to blogger hell for not posting enough these days....between a family, a new job and a pregnant bulldog, I guess I just haven't been posting like I used to.

The job is going well. I have 4 more shifts of orientation. That means 48 hrs and then I'm on my own. SCARY. I really enjoy the work....I mean, it's a job made for me. It just sucks that I have to spend sooooo much time on paperwork. Paperwork that I'm not used to.....blood tests that I'm not familiar with, community resources that I didn't know existed and soooo much teaching. But I am enjoying myself and I haven't even made it into the OR yet. Apparently, the other nurses on the floor are not jumping with joy to hear that I'm coming into the Operating Room. Apparently, they enjoy scrubbing into the C-Sections because it gives them a "break" from the regular floor routine. Apparently, I am the only nurse on a floor of about 100 nurses that is actually qualified to work the OR. Scary thought, considering I've only done 6 weeks in the main Operating Room Suites.....anyhow, I have a bit of a challenge ahead. That really sucks, because just going back to work after so many years and nursing is challenge enough!

The kids and Eric are adjusting magnificently to me going back to work. My husband is an enigma.....masculine at the core, yet so nuturing. The kids are having a great time with him and they are LOVING the time they spend alone. Emma is pretty much on her own schedule and Brandon is at his dad's, so it has been a huge adjustment-period for all of us. I went grocery shopping the other day and instead of the usual $230, it only cost me $120! It was wonderful!! Not to mention that the noise level has reduced significantly and the taxi services are dwindling...I miss Brandon like crazy, but I'm kinda getting used to this.

Kristen's 7th birthday is on Thursday and here's what she wants, " an iPod, a Blackberry or a boyfriend". Holy F'n speechless!! What does a parent say to that? Yesterday, I had to change the channel on the tv because I caught her watching MTV's Cribs....I'm not sure how this child's youth is going to play out, but I am determined to see her retain her innocence for as looooong as possible. Even as she fights me every step of the way.

We still aren't 100% sure about whether Jewel is pregnant or not because there's no test for dogs....but judging by the way her teats are hanging down, we are willing to bet some money on the positive. We are planning our holidays around her caesarean section during the second week of August, so we are kinda certain. We have decided to keep one of her female pups as our own! Long live the Bulldog breed!! This is the greatest dog we have ever owned and she has convinced us that the breed is second to none for a family. So- we hope she has a female puppy in her belly!!

Eric has just purchased another car and that puts us at 5 cars in a family with 2 drivers. No comment. The way I see it? At least he's collecting cars and not women.

Wordless Wednesday.

2009-07-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

There's no "Secret"

2009-07-07T17:24:00.001-07:00

Wow. I am doing ok! I thought I would be much more overwhelmed by getting back into nursing, but so far so good. I still think/know that the hours are going to suck after awhile...but I'm going to stay positive about it. It's "The Secret" to success. I've never actually read the book "The Secret", but it's a concept that I have applied to my life since I was left on my own with no money, no job and 2 kids to feed. If you visualize yourself being successful you will be. It's THAT simple. Your vision creates a life path for you and it takes you to the place you want to be. I'm not trying to sound all New-Agey or anything like that, but it DOES work!! I don't call goal-setting or working your ass off for what you really want a secret. It is just a way to set yourself up for success.

I'm hoping that Brandon will visualize himself passing his summer school courses.

I'm still having a hard time with that whole "situation". I have many days in a row where I can talk myself into accepting the fact that he doesn't live here anymore and isn't an active member of this family. And then, out of the blue, I will walk past his room and it hits me....then Eric will swoop in and comfort me and make me feel a bit better. I have to admit that I am not missing the constant drama and fighting, although I think that all of that becomes a "norm" and when it suddenly disappears everyone affected has to adjust to the deafening quiet. That includes Sam and Kristen who are just now getting used having the bulk of our attention. Emma would like to have everyone's attention, all the time, but she spends so much time with her boyfriend now that even she realizes it's not possible.

Well, I now need to study so I can start IV's and collect bloodwork. I know that I will be successful because I WANT to be. Sometimes I fantasize that you could wish that hard for someone else to focus their attention on what they want when they don't have the strength to do so. But I guess I'm (finally!) realizing that you have to let people travel their own paths. Even asshole teenagers.

Love Unlimited.

2009-07-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am feeling VERY proud of myself. It occurs to me that on Monday I officially start my new job and Goddammit, I'm proud of myself for getting that job! I knew that it was mine from the minute I saw the job listing online. It basically had my name written all over it so it was easy for me to keep my focus. I am proud to call myself a nurse, proud to be working at a great hospital and proud to have followed my calling in the "birth world" without actually having any more kids myself!!

But at the same time, I'm scared shitless.

What if this job isn't everything I have imagined it will be? What if I hate it? What if I try and fail?!!? When I went back to school I had no choice but to succeed. I took a leap of faith by becoming an Operating Room nurse and it worked out for me but what if I can't handle the stress of working weekends/nights/with all those hormones?? Whenever I have these thoughts I try to think about the one person who believes in me ALL THE TIME. He totally believes that I will be amazing, just as he never doubted for a minute that I could go back to school and be successful. Just as he never for a second doubted that I would get my dream job. My Eric is the one person who tells me I can do something before my brain figures it out because he sees me as a strong, succulent, smart woman.

So, while I am suffering my pre-job jitters I will stabilize my urge to freak out by trying to see myself through his eyes. Because not only does he see me as a happy, fulfilled, successful birth centre nurse he also sees me as a woman with a great perky set of breasts! I'll take it:)

My Little Sponge.

2009-07-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

It's not easy, having a brainiac for a kid. I'm no dull penny, but my 6 year-old can blurt out facts and retain information better than I retain water! She has a wealth of information in her little brain about things like, electric eels and hammerhead whales. I didn't even know these existed! It tickles Eric to no end because he calls himself the "Cliff Clavin" (from Cheers) of useless information. I'm sure that's where Kristen gets her sponge-like brain from! But, in addition to filing information like an encyclopedia she can put together information to form a certain amount of deductive reasoning. It's a little bit scary, actually, because most kids her age are playing with dolls or Webkins while she's interested in finding all the information she can about her Webkins. For instance, she doesn't just have a cute brown and white dog Webkins....she has a Cocker Spaniel Webkins...

Eric started to express some Santa concerns last year. He knows that she is not going to be fooled for long. I would like her to just keep pretending until she's, like, 10 so I can keep having fun. As my consolation, there's always Sam. Sweet, clueless Sam.....I'm sure he'll never question anything until he's well into his teens! And as long as Kristen doesn't corrupt him, we may keep the spirit of Christmas alive for years to come....

Having a kid like this is a blessing and a curse; she's been reading since preschool, but now, at 6 years old, she has progressed to reading chapter books like Goosebumps. And if Emma leaves a copy of Cosmopolitan around (Ack!!) Kristen can learn "20 New Positions to Make Him Beg for More".....Good GOD, that's the challenge of having young and older kids at the same time!!

We talk about different schooling options for her because she is advanced right now...but she'll probably even out in the next year or so and be on par with her peers.

Well, she may have more "experience" from those Cosmo magazines, but hopefully she will forget it all in favour of retaining some useless information about plankton or algae or something.

Parents are great, aren't they?

2009-07-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

Aren't parents wonderful? At my age, I find myself needing my parents more than I ever imagined. I guess the needs are different than they used to be; I don't need them to spot me $50 or buy me groceries.....but, they help me in situations I could have never foreseen. Situations like, when my husband goes to Ireland for 3 weeks out of a month while I'm in school! I couldn't have even considered doing it without my mom. Yesterday, we found ourselves with a broken down housetrailer and there was my dad with his welding supplies to fix it!! I guess it's not just the fact that parents help us, it's the fact that we can ask them for help still, at age 38, that amazes me. And it also scares the hell out of me too!

When my kids are 38 and they need my help, how will I know what to do?? I'm still turning to my mommy and daddy!! How will Eric and I ever become parents who just seem to know everything and what to do in any situation?!!? It's frightening to think that our kids will come to us as ADULT children and ask us questions about things that we are unsure of now. I guess our only hope is that we will gain enough life-experience between now and then to help them out.

If not, they can always go and ask my mom and dad.

Jewel, My Diamond in the Ruff

2009-06-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

Nothing in life is certain. Teenagers may decide to not come home, kids may decide to not behave in public and bulldogs may decide to absorb their babies....WAIT!! WTF?? Absorb their babies?!!? Yup. Apparently, our beloved Jewel could get too hot and decide to absorb her puppies. Just like that! No "morning after pill" or pesky appointments in the Operating Room, just simply absorb. So, we wait. We keep her cool, feed her lots of great fresh raw foods and we wait. And wait.

It's been 2 weeks since we got her back and almost 3 weeks since her first insemination. She puked a couple of times in the first week and was LETHARGIC until yesterday. I mean, lethargic, even for a bulldog! Now, it would seem as though her infection is clearing itself up. I measured her tummy yesterday and it's 1 inch wider than last week, so we are really hoping that this is it!! I'm feeling like a new mom all over again as I watch her nipples get darker! But I don't want to get my hopes up too high just in case. I mean, we've never had a pregnant bulldog before and her expanding girth could be from the increase in raw food, right? So, we wait. And we wonder. And we love her whether she's got a belly full of bullies or not....

Waiting for the pool to go up yesterday (It's still not up today)

2009-06-28T06:00:00.001-07:00

Forgive me.....

2009-06-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned.....it's been, well, um....a looooong time since my last post. It's not that I haven't thought about it! It's just been busy. I hate to admit it, but I have been too busy to sit and puke my thoughts out to everyone in cyberspace. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've been too busy to put my thoughts into words?? Anyhow, I'm here now and I'm going to try to keep it simple......

Kids are now finished school and my summer glow has officially dulled. Kidding!! I'm happy to have some time to spend with them, but for the first few weeks of July I'm going to be busy WORKING! I'm sad that our annual vacay to Cape Breton is cancelled, but happy to have a job. I'm sure I won't start really complaining about my job until at least September...

Brandon is back at Steve's house after writing his exams. It seems as though he's failed math and science, so he'll have a nice summer of school. We are seriously trying to adjust to this new living arrangement, but it's hard for a control freak like me. I actually have to keep my mouth shut! It's a new concept and it's killing me!! I'm sure that this will all play out in it's own time and whatever happens will happen. I'm not quite as weepy as I was last week, but it's still very tough.

Jewel has been home from the breeder's for 2 weeks and we still don't know if she's preggers. What we do know? She's got an infection....a vaginal infection. Our vet says it's a "raging infection!" but he didn't put her on anything. He just took cultures to see what it is. So I called our breeder who, in turn, called his vet (who specializes in Bulldogs) who said, "Sounds like vulvitis. Unless it becomes epic, she's fine." So, we wait. And we wonder- "is she pregnant or isn't she???" The breeder thinks she is, due to her lethargy. I'm just waiting 42 days until she can have an x-ray to prove it. It has been a very interesting process, and one that is very painful for an impatient woman like me.

So, the last update is regarding Emma. I think she still lives here, but she's NEVER here. She is ALWAYS at her boyfriend's house because his mom is a gourmet cook. She did get a job in the mall at Aeropostale, however, that she is loving. So, I'm not going to bitch about her....it is just very weird to have a family that went from 6 to what feels like 4. I actually feel a bit of the Empty Nest Syndrome and I don't like it! I have lots to keep me busy, so why am I feeling like this??? Maybe it's time to go back to school......

I kid! I kid!!

Blah.

2009-06-18T16:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it turns out that old habits die hard. Brandon has been home for 31 hours and out of that, he has spent about 6 with his family. He went and wrote his exam today and then came home briefly, and he's been out at his friends' house since then. I am NOT taking this personally, I AM NOT. Well, maybe just a little personally.....just a tiny bit....

What's wrong with us?? Why can't he stand to be around us??? We cook for him, clean up after him, talk to him and listen to him. What am I doing wrong?

I guess this visit has been good because it just makes me realize that I did the right thing by sending him to his father's house. As my dad puts it, "He went from being a middle child in your house to being an only child at his dad's house." And that, my friends, is a kid that needs to be the centre of attention all the time.

So, I have decided to attribute his disinterest in us as two things: 1) he's a teenager and 2) he's a teenager. AND- I'm cutting myself a little slack because I am only human...and raising teenagers is a task that requires superhuman powers.

Unsolved Puzzle

2009-06-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew how to feel whole again. Ever since Brandon moved out, I can't help but feel like something big is missing....and it is! A mother should never have to feel like this. It's the strangest thing- I know he's not dead. I realize that he's just living somewhere else and I know deep down that it's been really healthy for our family to have the constant stress gone. But it hurts so badly to know that as his mother, I couldn't fix his problems or make him better. It seems so unfair that after all the pain and suffering we've endured as parents to this kid, that we couldn't "see it through" as far as his issues are concerned. To put it simply, it seems as though we ran a marathon for the last 10 years and didn't get to finish. That just sucks.

I'm picking up Brandon for a visit tomorrow. He's staying for 5 days. I can't wait to see him, and I'm dreading the stress at the same time. We are bracing ourselves, I have been preparing the kids for his arrival and they are not impressed. We'll see how it goes......I'm sure I'll be blogging about it in the days to come......

Sam and I.

2009-06-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm spending the day with my little man, Sam. We bought him some new shoes (his toes were through his old ones!), I made him his favorite lunch (Kraft dinner with weenies!) and we've been outside all day. He is happy to have me home:)

A little pissed-off with a chance of happiness...

2009-06-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

I have 3 weeks off before I start my new job and I'm a little pissed. I would have loved to do some camping before I start to work weekends again, but our trailer has been leaking water for a year and we just realized it. That's right, an entire year. A year of water damage, a year of water leaking into the trailer and rotting out the floor.....so now we are repairing it! Well, Eric is repairing it. I took the kids for a bike ride on the Georgian Trail while Eric scraped, taped and filled the leak! It seems as though he has found the leak, but we're not too sure....we'll find out the next time it rains, I guess. For now, we've got a dehumidifier in it for a few days to suck the moisture out of the floors.

Hopefully, when the trailer is fixed and we've laid a new floor in it, we'll have an opportunity to get out and have some fun. Going to the East coast is out for this year, but we can still do some local camping. Eric and I would LOVE to go out for a weekend alone, just to read and relax. Camping with kids is not so relaxing!!

On another note, we got our cherished bulldog back from the breeder today. We're hoping for a big 'ole litter of puppies on August the 11th! And then we'll be hoping for a litter of bulldog buyers with big 'ole wallets!! The experience has been very interesting so far and it can only get more interesting when the pups are delivered. I guess it's not a horrible thing that we can't go away for a month in our trailer this year because with a pregnant bulldog it might have been a bit tricky. So, we'll stay around the house and do some weekend trips this summer. And I will be working which makes me happy:) Happy, happy, happy!!

Life is Good.

2009-06-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a great week. On Tuesday, on my way home from the hospital, I got a phone call- I got the job!! The job that I completely "went for", the job that I switched placements at the last minute for.....the one that is made for me! The job that encompasses every skill that I possess.....

The job that I hope I love.

I also finished school today. So that makes my week even BETTER. I am done working for free. I am done with taking everyone's "advice" about how to fold towels or load a suture.

I AM DONE.

Now, I have a few weeks off before I get back on the working train. I plan on taking the time to relax (and NOT do homework or excessive reading about sterility), organize my closet (again), and start running again. I have been very negligent with my running for the last 5 weeks and I feel horrible.....so lazy and weak! I gave myself a "hall pass" when it came to running while I was working fulltime in the hospital. Getting up at 5:30 am to drag my ass to work wasn't conducive to running or any workout routine, for that matter! I know that sounds like an excuse, but running just wasn't as big of a priority for me as sleeping! So for the next 3 weeks- I will be running and weight lifting!!

On another note, I sent my mom home today... she has been an absolute God-send. Even with pneumonia! She came, she stayed, she babysat, she even did some gardening! The woman is an enigma! And when I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye she said, "I am so proud of you for doing it, Joanne." It made me want to cry! At 38 years old, my momma made me feel like crying for being proud of me!! It was worth the blood, sweat and tears just to make make my parents proud.

Any-hoo-hah, it's time for me to start my decompression. Deep breathing, red wine and some Indian food for a little celebratory dinner.....can't get much better than that, can it? Oh yeah! PLUS- my super hot husband!

Life is good.

Look!! Something Shiny!!!!!

2009-06-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

People who meet me think I'm quite normal. People who know me are not fooled. I am a sucker for punishment, a glutton for pain! I have a problem with over-extending myself with "things"...not, like, playdates or appointments....but more like I have this compulsion to be doing 10 different things at once and none of them "jive" with each other. For example, right now I am working fulltime in the OR, selling a line of jewellery, being a mom and breeding our bulldog. I am CRAZY!! I just can't say no to anything that interests me at the time. It's great for learning time-management skills but it's horrible when I have 4 or 5 balls in the air at once and I feel like I'm about to drop one (or all)... Nevertheless, I am crazy and always have been so those who love me just learn to accept me.

We took the dog to the breeder's house today to become impregnated. She has to stay for 7 days and then we hope she comes home knocked-up...he's had 100% success rate with his inseminations for the past year so we're pretty optimistic that she'll come home with a bellyfull. He was concerned that the kids would miss their pet so he sent us home with a "loaner" bulldog named Darlington. Can you imagine?? A loaner dog?!!? Anyhow, she's not nearly as cute as our beloved Jewel, but the kids are loving her because she's new and different. It's kinda funny- the kids like new and different things and so do I. Hmmmm....maybe I need to grow up? Whatever. I figure that if I need new and different things in my life often it just means that I don't want to get bored. And being me never gets boring!!

Thank GOD for my sweet, understanding, level-headed husband because he loves me no matter what shiny, new thing I'm chasing next.

Time.

2009-06-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

I recently had a conversation with my mom about, well, being a mom. She asked me, "if you had known what you know about having kids, would you still have had them?" I had to think about that for a few minutes......I mean, I LOVE my kids. But I realize that I have absolutely no time to myself. This is not some "ah-hah!" moment for me- I have felt it for about 17 years! So I had to be honest with my mom and say, "sometimes I would like to be childless."

Maybe I'm a monster for saying that. I don't feel like one, but I have to keep it real, here....I'm sure there are moments for every parent where they reminisce about all the time they used to have. As Eric says, "I never knew how much time I had until I had kids and it was all gone." Well, as a woman who started having kids early I guess I never had too much time to "sow my oats" before I had a kid attached to my young, perky breasts. So, yeah, I do wish I could go back and experience my 20's in a reckless, immature manner sometimes. But I would never, ever change the fact that I had my 4 beautiful, healthy kids.

Time is a funny thing. It seems that when you are young and short on time, it's when you need it the most; when you are old and have lots of time, you go to bed at 8:30pm and waste it all....No matter how hard I try to find some for myself these days, time eludes me....

It also occurs to me that I have just wasted 15 minutes of precious time bitching about having no time. ;-)

Therapy.

2009-05-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

As part of my attempt to accept Brandon not living here anymore, I decided to paint his room. In the last few months I had allowed him to use his walls for graffiti because a) it was an artistic outlet and b)I was planning on painting it soon anyhow. So, I spent the weekend in his room cleaning and painting.....partly to clean it up and partly because I just miss him so much.

Here are the before and after shots.......

The Worst Week. Ever.

2009-05-30T17:48:00.001-07:00

Boy this has been a tough week! Husband in Ireland for 2 weeks, tough job interview, work, Brandon leaving home......it's been one of the harder ones, for sure. I'm reflecting tonight, just trying to put everything in its place. And that's a tough thing to do!

I cleaned Brandon's room out today. It seems as though his room hasn't been truly cleaned for some time. I found a LOT of stuff in there, but now it's all either in a garbage bag or in a box for him to pick up. It's been a very sad process, cleaning all his stuff up and packing it away....my heart is absolutely broken in half.....but I'm hoping that this is a good thing for Brandon.

I've spoken to him and his dad today, and there is some talk about placing him in a private arts school in Trenton. Of course, that's only if marks aren't a considering factor. But I'm satisfied that his dad is actually thinking about what's best for him.

I am really hoping for that job on the Birth Unit. If it doesn't happen though, I'm sure I'll find a job in an OR somewhere with better hours. Usually, they only work 1 out of every 6 weekends in the Operating Rooms....those are some amazing hours when you consider it's nursing we're talking about!

I'm missing my husband TREMENDOUSLY this week. It's been a bad week for him to be away, but there's nothing we could do about that. He'll be home in a week and I just can't wait. I can't believe how much I love and miss him after all these years....he's the one I want when I'm feeling like this, more than anything (even chocolate or wine!).

Tomorrow I plan to blog with a more positive outlook and less despair. I thank you all for giving me this one day of sadness. After all that I've been through with my Brandon, I deserve it.

Tomorrow is a new day, with a new outlook.

Brandon's gone.....

2009-05-30T06:11:00.000-07:00

Last week, after our most recent 'bout of problems with Brandon, I gave him a choice: straighten out or go and live with your dad. Well, after a week of phone calls from the school about Brandon skipping, I had him pack his bags. His dad came last night to pick him up and it was the hardest thing I've ever, ever done...

His dad knows that he hasn't been a father to his kids. It's a little late for him to start now, but I have no other options for this kid. He really didn't want to go, was angry about it, but he made his choice. I have given him so many chances, so many opportunities to get his shit together....but I've realized that I can't be the only one to care about him- Brandon needs to care just as much or he'll never, ever change.

I'm hoping that Bradon can find the will to be a great, responsible person. We have tried to lead by example at home but he is more concerned with rebelling. I know that going to his dad's isn't the best option for him, but if it helps him see the light then I'll know it was for the best. All I want, all I've ever wanted, was for Brandon to be happy. If he finds happiness with his dad, then that's all that matters.

But, man, I'm going to miss that kid like crazy.

Rita.

2009-05-29T15:28:00.001-07:00

I'm stunned by the ability of women to pull together in a crisis. We are creatures who comfort and support each other, gather 'round and try to offer solace and wise advice during some of our lowest moments. It doesn't seem to matter what woman you confide in, most of the time she's there to offer you a shoulder to cry on! I have discovered that the internet has provided me with just such a woman.....her name is Rita and she lives in Australia. I've never physically met her, yet, we chat quite regularily online.
We have a lot in common, Rita and I. We both have deadbeat ex-husbands (she calls hers a Disney Dad- just there for the fun stuff!). We both have older and younger kids. And we have both experienced the joys (NOT!) of a troubled teenager. When I tell her what I'm going through, she knows! She has some great suggestions and some condolences for me.....because she knows EXACTLY how I feel. She has even posted a video on her Facebook page and dedicated it to me, because she knows what I'm going through.....and I've never, ever met her. Yet we know each other so well.
The internet is an amazing place to connect with people. But I have found that sometimes the best of friends turn out to be the ones that we haven't yet met. Even though there's a 12-hour or so time difference and we're a world apart, Rita and I have bonded. She and I are sisters of circumstance. And I appreciate her a lot.

PS.........

2009-05-24T15:02:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all the drama I got a call from Human Resources about the job I applied for......they are "very interested" in interviewing me....YAYYYYYY!!!!!!
Fingers, toes and everything else crossed please- I'll keep y'all posted!

Return of the Absent Father

2009-05-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated with people. The way they react to situations, the way they move about every day and the way they communicate with other people.....watching people can really give you insight about yourself and help you reflect on what you want to change. I've been watching my ex-husband a lot over the last 3 days and there's one thing that I would really like to change-

THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM AT ALL.

He has suddenly decided to be a parent! After 13 years apart, while I have raised his kids, he has decided that HE knows what's best for Brandon. He believes that Brandon needs to be phoned 3 or 4 times a day. And let me tell you, when Brandon isn't home I get all the great parenting advice. I guess Steve thinks that Brandon should be locked up in the house with no opportunities to mess up.....but I kinda believe that some people will only ever learn by making BIG mistakes (I'm one of them) and I'm pretty sure that's Brandon. I think that he needs to screw up big time so he can learn lessons- sometimes if his mistakes aren't big enough, he makes them over and over again but that's part of growing up. The truth is that Steve thinks he can step in and be a parent (to ONE of his kids, btw...he doesn't give Emma the time of day) but he has NO IDEA how and to make matters worse, he doesn't know his kid AT ALL.

So, as I sit back and watch Steve try to be a parent to a kid who doesn't know or respect him I realize that I have done a great job raising my kids. Yes, they have moments (some longer than others) where they falter but I sleep great at night with the realization that I know and love my kids. And more importantly, my kids know how much I love them and believe in them.

Red, Red Wine Makes Me Feel So Fine......

2009-05-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself. For drinking too much red wine, that is. It's necessary, otherwise I might feel guilty about yet another thing in my life. As if raising kids didn't make me feel guilty enough, right? The fact that I'm in school (3 weeks left!!) and not at home. The fact that I don't have the time or inclination to volunteer at the school for Krissy and Sam (been there, done that). The fact that I sometimes give them soup out of a can for dinner (or worse, out of a box). Even the fact that I have Public Health on my back about immunizations for the younger kids and I really don't care if they get kicked out of school because I know that they've been immunized and I don't want to fill out the forms. I have a lot to feel guilty about so drinking red wine just can't be one of them. Especially after this week....the week from HELL.....

It's no secret to anyone who reads this blog that we've had several issues with Brandon. Not going to school, coming home stoned, getting kicked out of both bands in the last 6 weeks of school for not attending when we drive him there 4 times a week....that kid is totally anti-establishment and there's nothing we can do about it. But this week, I told him that he has to leave. If he refuses to go to school, refuses to do his homework and refuses to stop smoking weed he is not welcome to live at our house. It's pretty straightforward....go to school, do your homework and pass and stop coming home at 4 o'clock stoned. Well, Brandon couldn't seem to get it together so I told him to LEAVE. And he did. It was AWFUL. The first night I didn't sleep a wink and Eric kept reassuring me that he'd come home or sleep in the car. We left the outside light on and the cars unlocked just in case, but no Brandon. I had to get up in the morning and go to work/school as though nothing was out of the ordinary. I had a TERRIBLE day the first day but Emma told me that he had come home to shower and eat while we were at work so I felt better. But the 2nd day, he literally disappeared. Nobody saw him, nobody knew where he was....all of his closest friends didn't even know he wasn't at home!

While he was missing in the first 24-36 hrs, his dad called. When I told him that Brandon was gone and I wasn't totally sure where he was there was MELTDOWN. I mean, total meltdown. Which is really strange for the dad who hasn't bothered to call in 4 MONTHS. While I was at work on the 2nd day of Brandon missing, his dad decided to come to Newmarket to look for him. I guess I felt a little irritated. I mean, I wasn't so concerned that I was willing to take the day off of school. Brandon has always been VERY resourceful and I know him really well, so I was planning on finding him after work on Friday. But Steve came to town, full of drama, and I had to come home from work on Friday just to get in the car with Steve to look for Brandon all over town. After a couple of hours together in the car (more time together than we've spent in the last 15 years!) Steve was clearly a blubbering mess. All worried about Brandon and wanting to call the police....I was irritated and mad that Brandon made me spend this extra time with his dad after a long day in the OR.

When we got back to the house, Emma went on Facebook and found Brandon in 3 minutes. I have and always will say this: teenagers are the BEST networkers.

It seems Brandon stayed at a friend's house that night, but on the first night he stayed nowhere, walking around for the entire night. I can't say that I am upset about that because that kid needed a serious lesson- but man, was it hard!

Anyhow, Steve wanted Brandon to come home with him to get straightened out and I was ready to let him go....I figured that Steve's house would be better than wandering around the mean streets of Holland Landing....but Brandon told his dad NO. He is not interested in living with his dad. And that ASTOUNDS me. I thought that all this time, he was behaving badly so that we would cave in and send him there. But it turns out, that is the last thing Brandon wants. So, I told Brandon he could stay but he's on probation for 10 days. If he skips school, does drugs or consumes alcohol, if he doesn't do his homework EVERY NIGHT and if I get any phone calls from the school he's going to live with his dad. It's now the threat. Strange how things take a turn, huh??

So, as I write this blog, I am sitting on the deck and drinking a glass of red wine. And I don't feel a damned bit of guilt, I'll tell you.

Burning Bridges.

2009-05-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

Buckle up, folks.....we're having some MAJOR issues with Brandon again. We're still trying to figure the whole situation out, but suffice it to say that Brandon is slowly burning all of his bridges (school, parents, family, etc....) I am beyond being a loving and supportive parent....thank God for Eric's cool head today. More to come........

drama, Drama, DRAMA!

2009-05-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

So, anybody who has kids knows that they bring a certain amount of drama to your lives. When they are babies the drama is more about the parents ("Oh my GOD SHE WON'T STOP CRYING! WTF?!!? What have we done?? We suck as parents."). When they are toddlers/preschoolers the drama is a little more balanced (who hasn't suffered through a Terrific-Two's meltdown? Who hasn't melted down from one??) When they are school-aged there is a bit of a drama reprieve. They don't actually melt down as much, but they do still overreact ("My hand is bleeding!!! I need ice! I need a bandaid!) Then they become teenagers. And when they do, you wish that you could take the last, say, 15 years and combine all the drama instead of taking the abuse those suckers dish out.

I'm sure that's why a lot of parents kinda "check out"....it's simply a coping mechanism. You can only take so much before you snap so you try to block them out at times. I found myself a little bit checked-out last week and before I knew it, Brandon had skipped 3/5 days of school without getting caught by the school. I'm still not sure how he did it, but Emma mentioned to me that a girl on the bus told her that she hadn't seen Brandon lately in the 2 classes that they share. So, I asked Brandon straight up about it. And, of course, he lied. So, I explained to him he is grounded at home from his friends, computer and skateboards and he seemed ok with that. Then I told him that I would be calling his principal and having him suffer a consequence at school as well. THAT got his attention. But I didn't really care how he felt about it because I am honestly quite sick of dealing with the same DRAMA all the time. So I called the principal and he was put on an in-school suspension with the bad kids for the 3rd time this year. And do you know what happened???

A couple of the kids that he had been previously skipping class with got picked up by some undercover cops during school yesterday for some "illegal activities" (I'm sure they weren't inhaling!). When Brandon came home from his suspension he told me about what went down. And then he said, "Mom the first thought in my mind was that if you hadn't got me into trouble with the school, I would have probably been there with them. I'm actually grateful that you called the principal."

And there you have it. Drama averted for a day but definitely not forever. It's ok, though....I'll let those other kids' parents have the drama this time;-)

Spring Cleaning.

2009-05-08T19:02:00.001-07:00

It's amazing what you can accomplish after a little spring cleaning. After I finished the classroom portion of my course, I decided to try and take the few days before the clinical portion to clean up, organize and find some order to my chaos. Well, I've managed to organize all of my scrapbooking stuff and boy! Am I inspired! I've managed to complete 2 pages in the last 2 nights and that's a HUGE accomplishment for me. I feel fulfilled creatively and I am very satisfied to have my stuff organized!

But- I'm also very nervous about Monday. On Monday I start at Markham Stouffville Hospital. I'm excited, but also very scared....what if I screw up? What if I look really dumb? I wasn't originally supposed to go to Markham Stouffville, but after I saw that job posting online, I decided to take matters in my own hands.....I approached the coordinator of the Perioperative Programme and told her about the job and how it was made for me. So, after a lot of reorganizing, phone calls and paperwork she moved me to that hospital. Now I'm scared shitless! But I'm going to seize this opportunity and make the most out of it, because I truly believe that it's where I'm supposed to be. So, just pray for me, ok? Send me positive vibes so I don't hand over the wrong instrument in the wrong way, or (worse!) cauterize the wrong blood vessel!

On another note, I can't WAIT for my husband to get back home to us. We are really ridiculous when it comes to long periods of time apart.....he wants to get home as badly as I want him to get his ass home! A lot of it stems from pure love and a desire to be together, but another part of it comes from living in this chaos, I'm sure. I mean, think about it- when a person has NO TIME to themselves ever, is it really a surprise when they miss it? It's really all we know! So, Eric is having a terrible time dealing with the silence, and I'm having a terrible time not having him around. Especially today because it was his 44th birthday and it's the 2nd birthday that I've missed because of his work travel. So.....we're pathetic!!! And we know it!

Spring cleaning is great, but it doesn't include my Eric. Come home to me, baby.

Gallery Night

2009-05-01T16:49:00.001-07:00

Last night was Art Gallery night at Kristen and Sam's school. Here's some of their work on display. Well, actually, it was all Kristen's artwork except for the one with the 3 different coloured squares....

Royal Day Fun.

2009-04-30T05:37:00.001-07:00

When it comes to teachers, I often feel as though we're in 2 different worlds: ours and theirs. In our world there is working from 8am-6pm, no prep time for anything and homework to deal with. In their world, there is working from 9-3:30, 12.5 minutes of prep time/day and homework to hand out. I'm sure it's not easy being a teacher but you have to admit, it can't really be that hard either. I'm sure teachers know that the general population feels this way, and I'm POSITIVE that's why Sam's teacher decided to hold "Royal Day" in April.

Royal Day.

Sounds like a lot of fun for the kids, huh? Sounds like fairy tales and a party. But for me, it was hell....

I'm sure it wouldn't be so bad for the parents of a little girl. After all, what little girl doesn't have a fairy princess dress in her closet left over from Halloween? Well, Sam was a fire truck for Halloween last year and I don't think there was many of those in the fairy tale times. So, I set out to buy him a dragon/king/jester/even a dog costume. Yeah. Good luck finding a costume on April the 29th in Newmarket....actually, there is a costume store right on Main Street but apparently they aren't open on April the 29th. So I did what I had to do. I headed straight for the fabric store.

I've always been one for a challenge and making the Royal King costume was a big challenge for me. I chose a metre of beautiful deep red velvet and 3 metres of faux fur to line it with. I was feeling really great because they had what I was looking for!! Then I got to the counter to pay...."O.K.! That will be $77 please." ummmm, PARDON?!!? Apparently, 1 metre of Royal F**king Velvet costs $39! So, he really is royalty in that uber-expensive cape.

I got home with my supplies and blew the dust off my sewing machine. The only thread in it was bright yellow. Hmmm. That's a bit of a problem because I don't know how to thread my bobbin and I can't find the instructions to the machine or my sewing supplies. So, yellow it is!! I spray-painted his crown gold and decorated it with beads and sequins. Three hours later we had a King!

It's funny because it did all turn out ok, but I don't have that sense of happy accomplishment. I'm still kind of bitter with the teacher about Royal Day. But when I got up this morning and Sam wanted me to put his cape on immediately I realized that I didn't go to all that trouble for the teacher. I did it for my kid.

There's a job for everyone.

2009-04-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

You know, I have always been accused of being "scattered". It seems that I'm not happy unless I have at least 10 different things going on at a time, all unfinished. Even though Eric stays quiet about it (most of the time) I know that it's one of those personality traits that irriatates him because he doesn't "get" it....after all, he's very process-driven; and likes to focus his attention on one thing at a time so it gets done properly. And to be honest, sometimes I irritate myself. I have so many interests and I'm afraid that I'm going to die and never have had a chance to try the things I love at the time (for example, Scrapbooking- I love it and I have everything I need to do it, but I have no TIME) My career choices have been interesting to say the least. That's one of the things I have always loved about nursing- you can try so many different things and, essentially, change your career path without ever really changing your career.

So, since I became a nurse I have gone in some different directions. My burning interest in childbirth inspired me to become a doula. But the truth is, I've never felt a particular kinship with the doula community....I do feel that making choices in birth will affect the rest of a woman's life, but I'm not a fan of the idea of eating raw placenta as a means to avoid postpartum depression. I just am not there. Also, there seems to be an underlying disrespect that doulas have for nurses and I just couldn't walk that line. So, I started to focus on breastfeeding and the joy I felt at helping women nourish their babies. As a breastfeeding mom I know the joy and the anguish that breastfeeding can bring and I was keen to learn everything I could to help other women. So, I went back to college and took 2 breastfeeding courses for nurses- Basics of Breastfeeding and Advanced Breastfeeding. I have always wanted to gain the hours of practice needed to become a Lactation Consultant, but that's about 2200 hours! It's a goal that I still have even now......now that I'm taking the Operating Room course.

So, here I am, unemployed and back in school. Trying to figure out how all of this education and these diverse interests fit in to my career plan. I mean,a nurse, a doula with breastfeeding courses and an OR certification and a surgical background?? Where the hell is MY place in the healthcare system?!!? How does it all fit together??

Today I found out.

A hospital that's about 20 minutes away is looking to hire a nurse with birth experience, breastfeeding courses and an OR Certification to work in their Birth Centre. Say What?!!? It's a job made for me!! And even though I'm not yet done school (6 weeks and I'll be certified!!) I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that hospital knows about me. But first, I need to make a resume......hmmmm.....who knew that would be the hardest part?

Teenagers- Instructions not Included.

2009-04-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

I am always surprised and amazed at the tenacity of lazy teenagers. They wouldn't hesitate to push you down and walk on you if it got them from point A to point B with the least amount of effort. And when it comes to money/friends/friends/money the same rules apply. I can't force, FORCE Brandon to do his homework.....and it's because he cannot see past the fact that his paycheque from last week has not yet been cashed. He has a bank account but no bank card is attached to it so he hasn't deposited the cheque. I have offered to take him to Eric's office on Friday so Eric can help him change his account, but that just isn't fast enough. So, instead of just waiting until Friday he has swept, unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned his room, loaded the dishwasher.....EVERYTHING but the one thing I want him to do- homework! Whatever room in the house I find myself in, there's Brandon! Just sitting there.....sniffling because he refuses to blow his nose. So, I have decided to ignore him.

This makes his blood boil.

The more I ignore him, the harder he tries to get me to notice him so I'll take him to the bank before Friday. So, I figure that if I continue to ignore him he'll have the entire house cleaned, inside and out in no time. Hell, maybe not......but at least I have figured out the rules to his game, right?

PS: Kristen has lost both her front teeth

2009-04-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

.........and it looks pretty cute!

Oh. My. God.

2009-04-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

Somebody help me!!!

I have been dealing with teenage hormones/angst/anger since I got home from school at 3:30 today. It all started last night when Emma walked in the door.......

Stoned.

That's right, stoned. And it was very bizarre because it was a Sunday night, no party, just her and her boyfriend at his house after his parents took them out to Moxi's for dinner. So, to say the least, I was very, VERY disappointed in her. I felt it was disrespectful and I was shocked that she would find herself being driven home by his mother because her boyfriend was not fit to drive! WTF???

So, what's a mother supposed to do? I wasn't sure, so I grounded her for a week. No boyfriend, no going out, no life. And that's what she deserves, but she hates my guts. Thinks I'm ruining her life, thinks I hate her boyfriend, hate her life........so I offered her the option to just leave and see how that works for her. Of course, I was very quick to point out how it worked for me 20 years ago. But she's going to have to make her own decisions, her own mistakes. I guess hating me is just all part of the process. It just sucks is all.

I'm Sorry.

2009-04-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

For anyone who has been checking in for recent blog posts: I apologize. I will be done the classroom portion of my schooling in 2 weeks and then I'll have more time to blog!! It seems as though all of my "spare" time has been spent doing homework and studying (SUCKS!!!) For someone who never, EVER enjoyed school I sure do seem to spend a lot of time there. Seems that I've chosen a career that requires constant learning to stay current....at least it challenges me which is all I need out of life......a HUGE challenge......

For now, I'll leave you understanding this: the reason I'm not regularily blogging is not because things here are "normal" or boring. The reason is just TIME. Where does it go? How will I find more of it? WHY do my kids steal all of mine?!!?

Keep checking in- I'll be posting when I can..........

Aging.

2009-04-18T03:50:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit it, but I am getting older. The problem is that I still mentally feel like a 20 year-old but my body is not keeping up like it used to. A good night's sleep eludes me because I'm waking up to pee. To PEE!!! That's something that happens to senior citizens!! My wise 17 year-old told me to stop drinking wine at night and that would fix my problem....ah! She's probably right, but I certainly won't tell her that! So, I've been up since 5:15 this morning. It hasn't been bad, actually; I've done homework, laundry and now I'm blogging...maybe sleep is just a time-waster? I'll let you know around 1 pm today when I am dying for a nap!!

Last night my husband and I had an amusing conversation about ourselves that was really quite enlightening. I started talking about breeding the dog.....she's about to go into another heat cycle and she's 3 yrs old next week so now is the time if we are going to do it.....and he said, "So, you're going to be a dog breeder, keep a puppy, sell jewellery and work in the OR?" All I could do is laugh! He's so got me pegged!! We are such polar opposites when it comes to some stuff.....and while I'm out with my head in the clouds, he gently reaches up and yanks me back down. And when he can't get his feet off the ground, I reach down and yank him up to the clouds. I love how much we need each other but for totally different reasons.

So, I guess if getting older means getting to know yourselves and accepting each other I'll take it. I just wish it would come with a good night's sleep.

Juggling.

2009-04-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

Do you ever juggle so many things at once that you are afraid to look? Because, if you take the time to look you will surely drop it all. That's how I'm feeling this week. And having my monthly cycle hasn't been helping!

Between school and everything that goes with it (homework, First Aid/CPR, studying) and the family, I'm pretty much fullfilled to the maximum. But this week we need to add on Fifth's Disease (Kristen) and a chest infection (Brandon). So after the furnace guy is done servicing our furnace this morning I have to go to the school to pick up Brandon because he is feeling so bad. He really wanted to go to his girl's house after school today and meet her family so I told him that if he's well enough for that, he's well enough to get to band this morning at 7:45am. But I had a feeling he wouldn't last because when he coughs it rattles the foundation of the house! So I will have 3/4 kids home today. I'm not sure how I will ever manage to have a job! It honestly is a full-time job just to keep track of the kids....then you add the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking and the grocery shopping.....holy sh*t! The truth is, I want to get back to work so I can get away from all of this. And nobody would blame me, either....managing this family is a logistical nightmare- especially with 2 kids with part-time jobs and no driver's licenses and 2 kids who are not old enough to stay alone for a few minutes while you pick them up!

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining here. I love my family and I bring a lot of the chaos into the mix- going to school, selling jewellery- I have too many interests and I REFUSE to let the fact that I have a big family stop me from exploring them. Just don't interrupt me while I'm juggling, please.

MTV and Easter Candy.

2009-04-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough day. A day that Eric had to work and I had to go to school, but the kids didn't have school.....and the babysitter didn't work on Easter Monday. So, all 4 kids stayed home together while I sat at school and worried aaaaalllll day. I worried about the fact that the little ones would be jumping on the trampoline and Emma would be too busy texting to notice if they fell off and broke their necks. I also worried that Brandon would take them in the driveway to ride bikes and take off on his longboard. I worried about what they would eat (Easter candy) and what they would watch on t.v. (MTV)......after a day of worrying and menstrual cramps, I came home and decided that from now on I wouldn't leave the little kids at home with Emma and Brandon anymore. It's just not worth the worry!

I told Emma that she did a good job, but that it really isn't fair to expect her to run the show for 10 hrs while we were away. Kristen is saying stuff tonight like, "that sucks!" and Sam wants to wear shorts outside because his brother does it. It would be nice to be able to count on the kids to help out in a pinch, but not for quite that long.

Now I need to undo some of the teenage influence on my 6 and 4 year-olds. Yikes.

Lucky Me.

2009-04-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. Easter is over, the kids are in bed and the dog is eating all the tin foil wrappers she can find on the floor and wedged between the cushions on the couch. I have had a very busy weekend which included a few too many late night/early mornings. It seems as though partying late and getting up early with kids doesn't really jive...but I wouldn't go back and change a thing. You see, I spent a lot of time this weekend with my family and friends and even though I'm falling asleep on my keyboard I can honestly say it was all worth it. I have danced with my husband and my parents, shared dinner with my new kindred spirit Kristy and today I made dinner with my mom, for a group of 16. And when Brandon came home from a neighbour's house he brought 2 or 3 more kids with him! I listened to Kristen giggle and I watched Sam unnecessarily change his clothes 12 or 13 times (it's a phase)......today I watched Emma with her boyfriend and I realize that she is in love.

Even though I drank too much and exercised too little I feel fullfilled in a way I cannot explain. It's not like that feeling of bloat and regret that you get after you stuff yourself to extremes....it's more like a feeling of pride, and contentment.....and just plain LOVE. My life is exhausting, for sure. But I have decided that I can sleep when I'm dead.....while I'm here I'm going to enjoy the people in my life that are the most important to me.

Stress free.....Wha...???

2009-04-05T05:07:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last time I just relaxed on a weekend. I do recall that before I had kids my friends and I would get together and play tennis, go golfing or watch movies during the day. Those were the days when I had basically no stress, no worries, no problems....I am feeling a little tired of the treadmill of wake, work, sleep. Probably because my kids really can't appreciate how hard it is and how thankless it is. Even on the days that they are in school I am busy trying to run around, do homework (5 weeks left!!) and clean up the mess they left behind. In fact, I often have someone home on those days- sick.

Sometimes I wish I could just step out of my life for a day or two. With my husband....I would take him with me.....after all these years, he's the one I want to spend my time with. Actually, I don't know a lot of couples like us- work, stress, kids- it hasn't stopped us from being in love. You know how a lot of couples still love each other but they don't feel that heart-stopping in love feeling? Well, we still have it....and it makes our kids sick!! We have discovered that the fastest way to clear a room of kids is to start kissing each other.

Anyhow, if my kids understood anything about anything they would totally leave us alone once in awhile. And I guess if I understood anything about anything, I would thank my mom for allowing me to have stress-free weekends with my friends when I was young.

Thanks Mom.

No pain, No gain.

2009-04-02T06:06:00.000-07:00

Last week we had "Meet the Teacher" night at high school. The kids didn't tell us about it. I happened to drive by the school the day before, and I saw it on the sign in front. So, I asked Brandon about it since he's the one we're worried about. He said, "Oh yeah. But there's no appointments left." Really?? How convenient for Brandon........so, the next evening while Brandon was at work Eric and I went to the school. We waited outside all of his classes for a chance to meet his teachers. Turns out, he was supposed to make us appointments and most of his teachers were full. But, we still tried to push our way in and we managed to speak to 2/4 of his teachers. His French teacher told us that us getting 21% and his gym teacher said he's doing fine. So, the only subject he is passing is gym. And band. When we got home, Brandon came clean and admitted that he's also failing math and science. **sigh** So, we have a kid who's failing 3 subjects and nobody at the school has called- no teachers, no principal, no guidance counsellor and certainly no Brandon. I guess the school doesn't realize that Brandon has parents at home who actually give a shit about him, but that doesn't excuse the fact that none of his teachers didn't call. And still haven't!

So, we took away his Xbox and his computer privileges and he's grounded from hanging out with his friends.....and I helped him organize his binder and I FORCE him to sit and do his homework every night. So, basically, the entire family is paying for Brandon's refusal to try harder in school. On the plus side, he seems to be losing a lot of that early teen aggression so he's becoming more reasonable. I almost like to talk to him now because he's a little more human, ya know?

I am convinced that we'll get this kid straightened out. We've come way to far with him to let go now. It's just.....painful sometimes.......

I did it!!!!!!!

2009-03-28T05:23:00.000-07:00

http://mysilpada.ca/joanne.ilaqua

The Black Hole.

2009-03-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit this, but I'm pretty sure that teenaged son of mine has a bunch of air where his brain is supposed to be. That is the only explanation for what he did today.

I finished school early this afternoon and went straight to the high school to make sure Brandon was ok to walk the 1.5 miles to work. It was his first day and I was excited for him, but to be TOTALLY honest I wanted to make sure he remembered that he was supposed to work. I saw him walking up the sidewalk in a t-shirt (it was -7 degrees C. with the windchill), his arm in his sling and carrying a bag over his good shoulder. So, I yelled and he came over with a huge grin on his face. I asked him how his day was. "Horrible", he said. I asked him why it was so bad and he said, "I rolled over on my shoulder in the night and it hurt so bad so I took some codeine. Emma didn't wake me up for school this morning and I slept 'till 10 o'clock! So, I had to use my longboard to get to school." Hmmmm.... his longboard? With a separated shoulder? So he continues, "I wiped out on my longboard and now my shoulder kills."

**sigh**

I just don't even know what to say. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But I guess that's just what teenagers are, right? Anyhow, yesterday I only saw physiotherapy in my future. Today, I see physio AND surgery. Gawd!!!

2009-03-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time keeping up posts on my blog!! I've been so busy that I haven't had time to think, never mind write!

Anyhow, we've got everyone home from their March Break activities. Emma got home last night and she looks amazing! She got just enough sun to bring out the freckles across her face and give her some tan lines. She had a wonderful time and she was full of stories about the people she met on the ship. I'm sure she'll have a bunch of new Facebook friends now!

Brandon came home on Friday around 4:30. His "dad" dropped him off in the driveway and took off without a word to me or Eric who was standing in the driveway when he pulled in. Brandon came in and I took one look at him and knew he wasn't right. He looked sun-tanned from 4 days of spring skiing, but he also looked like he was in a lot of pain. And he was. I didn't take it too seriously at first- I scolded him for doing tricks and jumps on his skiis and posting it on Facebook. The thing is, though, that when I saw the video on Facebook he seemed to be quite in control of himself and he was wearing a helmet so I wasn't too worried about him getting hurt. I mean, it's Brandon we're talking about here....he is famous for doing stupid things and walking away unharmed, right? Apparently not this time. By 6 o'clock, Eric and I had a good look at his shoulder and Eric decided that HE was taking him to the hospital. I was struggling with my anger at F**ko for bringing him home in that shape and doing absolutely nothing to help. I mean, he didn't even come into the house to tell us how hurt BJ was! So, my wonderful husband took BJ to emergency at the hospital and had it x-rayed. Turns out, his shoulder is separated from his rotator cuff. Ouch!! He's going to have to wear a sling for a few weeks and he's been taking codeine fairly regularily for the pain. His shoulder is so swollen that when he stands up and faces you, it looks like he's leaning to the right. I'm thinking that physiotherapy is in our future. I'm also thinking that going to Steve's house during ski season is out of Brandon's future. According to Brandon, Steve lets them (he was up there with a friend) loose on the hill and comes back 12 hours later to pick them up. They eat at the lodge and then get right back out there. There has been a few too many skiing accidents this winter for me to take a risk with Brandon's life. I don't think I'm unreasonable either. I'm just a mom.

So, with Emma home and Brandon in a sling, Sam decided to grab some attention of his own last night. That's right, he started to complain about his tongue. He played outside all day and his lips got all chapped and lumps were forming under his bottom lip. Then the tip of his tongue started to bother him and his face was getting red. Eric and I had to pick up our hearts off the ground. We just looked at each other and we wanted to cry. It's 4 weeks since the last outbreak and the symptoms were all there. But today he hasn't said a word!! We have been keeping his lips covered with ointment so they don't get chapped and he hasn't cried about his tongue at all- so we are hoping, hoping that it's not going to happen.

And now, I'm going to go study while I have the chance. Big test tomorrow!!

Spring is springing!!!

2009-03-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's almost spring!! We are in the middle of March Break right now and the weather has been better than fantastic.....the kids were wearing t-shirts outside yesterday. Today, they are jumping on the trampoline and having a great time.....

I am relaxing after a couple of stressful days of education. I can now use electric cautery, I can load and unload a scalpel and I can correct an intraoperative contamination. I am getting a little nervous about going into the OR but apparently that's quite normal....you know, it's tough being the new kid on the block no matter how old you are! I'm getting right back into running as a way of dealing with my stress and it's working. It just feels so great to run a couple of miles and feel as though you have accomplished something. I haven't had many chances to get on the Wii Fit because Kristen and Sam play Wii as often as I'll let them. And if I try to get on it while they are around, they just sit and watch me work out and that's really annoying.

Emma is having fun on her cruise and Brandon and his friend have gone to F**ko's for a few days of skiing/snowboarding.

Well, I must move on with my day. The kids have moved away from the trampoline and now Krissy is brushing Cindy's hair and Sam is throwing sticks. This is creating anguish for Cindy, anger for Kristen and amusement for Sam. Well, at least it's all happening outside and not in the house where I can hear it. I love spring!!

Funny Face.

2009-03-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

"Mom! Look at my funny face!!"

Happy Friday the 13th!

2009-03-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

It must be Friday the 13th. That could be the only explanation for what I did today. I kept the kids home today for the P.A. Day.....the school called around 10am to find out where they were, cause it's NOT a P.A. Day!! I had it marked on the calendar AND in my Blackberry. I was stunned when the school secretary told me that it was, in fact, a school day. Duh.......who's getting the Mother of the Year Award this year???

So the kids stayed home anyhow and I took them skating. For $5 we had the entire rink to ourselves because it wasn't a P.A. Day!! It was awesome!

Emma left a couple of hours ago to begin her March Break journey, cruising through the Caribbean.... St. Thomas, St. Maarten, St. Lucia, Barbados, Antigua.....sigh......makes me wish I were 17 again.

I, on the other hand, am about to begin my own March Break journey- juggling college, kids and homework.....yay.

Open Door Policy.

2009-03-12T06:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes teenagers make love seem impossible. Somewhere, deep down inside, you know you love them.....but you kinda hate them at the same time. I feel this several times a week so I know what I'm talking about. And yesterday I felt it in a big way.

Yesterday, Eric took Brandon to band early and I put Kristen on the bus and took Sam skating. That meant that Emma was home alone for a few minutes before her bus came. Sam and I had a great time skating, then we went for coffee/hot chocolate, then we grocery shopped....we got home about 3 hrs after Emma had caught her bus.

I backed the van into the driveway and unbuckled Sam. When we got to the front door I couldn't believe my eyes. The front door to our house was WIDE open. Not just unlocked. WIDE open. The furnace was blaring, there were lights on.....for a moment I was afraid that we had been "broken into". Apparently not. Apparently I just have the laziest f**king teenager on the face of the planet. Thank God the porch door was closed because if it hadn't been, both of the dogs would have been gone. I. Was. Livid.

So she gets home from school and she's "tired". Of course she's tired- she's trying to juggle a job and school and a new boyfriend on no sleep. I'm convinced she's awake texting all night! Anyhow, I said to her- "Emma, I got home this morning to find the front door wide open. I am so angry that you didn't lock it so you can imagine how pissed I am that you didn't even bother to close it." And she said, "Really? I swear I closed it! I swear! Sorry! Sorry!"......so I asked her if she would like a lesson on how to properly close and lock the front door and she said,

"I know how, mom. I was late for the bus. Would you rather I had missed the bus?" So, I guess she was sooooo late for the bus that she couldn't close the door behind her? That makes me soooo mad. She clearly does not give a shit about our home or anything in it. And that's what makes me the angriest.

So, I have decided that the next time I come across a situation where she shows no respect for our stuff, I'm going to through all her stuff on the front lawn. Then maybe, just maybe, she'll get my point. And she'll be so angry at me it may feel like hatred....but deep down she'll still love me.

Hard work and love......

2009-03-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

Oh man!!! I've been so busy my head is spinning.....school is getting pretty intense because there's a lot of homework and a lot of tests to study for. I'm well on my way, though, and I'm feeling.....well.......overwhelmed!!! So far, 3 people have dropped out of the course because it's so hard but I am too stubborn to quit, so I think I'll last.

Last night I had to pick my chin up off the floor when Eric informed me that Tim Horton's called and offered Brandon the job!!! He is proud and excited and so am I.....time to GROW THE HELL UP!!!!!! He starts his orientation tomorrow and we're hoping that he gets some hours over the March Break next week to keep him busy. He bought himself another XBox with his birthday money (remember, we forced him to sell his old one to pay for the bike he stole?).....he'd be happy to stay in the basement 24/7 if we let him. But between band 4 times a week, Cadets and a job we're hoping to keep him busy enough to stay out of trouble. The only new glitch is that he has another new girlfriend so I hope he can manage to fit her in somewhere too. Brandon has a certain charisma that the girls seem to love.......there something about Brandon.

And my Emma seems to be smitten as well! She has met a boy in her Philosophy class and I've never seen her so giddy! Apparently, this boy has had a crush on her since grade 9 when they had a class together. He told her that he used to "sit in class and watch" her....but not as a creeper! Only because "she's so pretty". What girl wouldn't fall for that?!!? I figure that as long as she's happy, I'm happy. That's all that really matters to me in the end.

My husband has been a great support to me as I've struggled to get back into the grind. He is a natural at packing lunches, brushing hair, and giving hugs. And he always smells good too. What girl wouldn't be in love with all that? This family is so lucky to have that man behind us, pushing us all along. I'm so lucky that he chose me.

Newsflash! Some teachers are just "in it" for the holidays and pension!!

2009-03-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

Teachers, like nurses, are special people. They put up with so much and I give them a lot of credit....sickness, attitudes, snotty-nosed kids and teenagers. You have to wonder who would ever go through that much post-secondary education just to teach?

But there are some bad teachers. And I'm afraid that Emma has one. She had him for the first semester too, but for a different subject. She would complain about how he would yell at her in front of the class if she was late (due to the bus). She said he wouldn't let some kids in at all if they didn't get there right on time! I did call him to talk to him about the fact that Emma was skipping his class because he was single-ing her out all the time and he stopped, but he was still a jerk to her....wouldn't pick her to express her opinions during discussions, was sarcastic....not a great learning environment. So, when she chose another subject for this semester that he was teaching we were very disappointed. Unfortunately, she really wanted to take the subject (World Religion) and he's the teacher. So she took it. And man, is she having issues. This guy is a joke! On the first day of class, he told them- "If you are not religious, you have NO MORALS OR VALUES." Wtf???? You can't say that as though it's fact, because it's not! And so it has gone downhill since the first day of this semester. Now, Emma is in the process of dropping the course. This guy also supply-taught in one of Brandon's classes last semester and grabbed Brandon by the arm. I'm not saying Brandon didn't deserve it, but there are pretty strict laws about that kind of behaviour in the school system.

Anyhow, we have been quite lucky with teachers over the years. Seems that we've only had a couple of bad eggs, but this guy is stinking up the whole fridge, ya know?

The interview.

2009-03-05T06:11:00.000-08:00

I've decided that if a person really wants something, they will get it just because they want it so badly. I know, I know it all sounds very "The Secret" but I do think there is something to be said for focus and drive when it comes to getting what we want. It's probably the reason that I am surviving the OR course. It's probably the reason Eric and I hold our lives together amidst all the chaos. And it may be why Brandon will never get a job.

That's right. I took him to his first job interview yesterday and I'm not so sure it went well. First of all, Brandon wanted to show up in a pair of track pants pulled down so low that his underwear were peeking out. I FORCED him to brush his teeth. And then there was the interview questions.....oh my God.......questions like, "How do you feel about wearing a uniform?" and "What hours can you work?". Those were the easy ones. When I asked him what they asked and how he answered, he assured me that he told the truth. I was hesitant to ask what the meant but I did. And here's what he said,

"She asked me if I had ever been given instructions that weren't clear and how did I deal with that? I told her, 'Yeah. With my Grampa all the time.....I told her that Grampa gives me instructions that I don't understand so I ask him again. And when I still don't understand, I just do my best to figure it out.'"

OooooooooKaaaaaaay. That's not too bad....but then he tells me the next question,

"Then she asked me if I've ever done anything dangerous even though I knew it was dangerous...so I told her about how in gym class last week I put Jordan on my back so we could get the ball in the basket."

WTF?

So you can imagine my face when I heard this. Just frozen with disbelief and amazement that he would say something like that. I said to him, "Why would you say that?" and he said, "I was being HONEST, mom. She wants me to be honest when I answer the questions."

Ummmm, no she doesn't!! Anyhow, she told him that she's interviewing some other kids and would call or not call by Monday.....I'm thinking she's not going to call. I am convinced that he sabotaged his interview because he just doesn't want to work. Could this be true? Could he be that swift and cunning?? I'm not so sure......all I know is that something has to come along to make that kid want it so badly that he'll just get it. Unfortunately, I don't think that it is a job at Tim Horton's.

A Hiring Freeze??

2009-03-03T15:12:00.001-08:00

I thought the only thing frozen was my cold, cold ass! (It was -25 C with the windchill today-brrrrr!) But that's just not true.....today I found out that there is a hiring freeze within a lot of hospitals in and around the GTA due to the recession. That's great. How can I, a nurse, possibly have a hard time finding a job?!!? There's a serious nursing shortage in this province and nobody's hiring.....well, I'm not going to get my knickers in a knot. I'm just going to work really hard in school and even harder during my clinical placement. Today, a girl in my class dropped out because it was too hard. Eric says it's like the Marines but the truth is that it's more like the Navy Seals! It's so much information, so fast- just like the OR environment. So as long as I can keep up in class, I'll have no problems in the operating room. I hope. And if there's a hiring freeze and I don't get hired for a coupla months, I'll just sell more jewellery. At least I have a plan, right?

On the homefront, we have a recovering Sam (no puking today!!), a sick Eric (God forbid he has what Sam had!), a happy Kristen (it's healthy snack week at school- the girl loves to eat!), and Emma and Brandon are out for dinner with their "dad" (otherwise known as F**ko or FOTY-Father of the Year). You see, it's birthday time for Emma and Brandon so Emma has texted Steve non-stop to find out when he was coming down to take her out for dinner and give her some damned birthday money! And now he's here.....yay. But the big news in our house tonight is.........

BRANDON HAS A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!

It's at Tim Horton's. And he had better give off good "I am a really great worker" vibes and get the job. Or else. Actually, it would be great if he got the job before he gets the piercings in his lips that he wants called, "snake bites". I am hardly the right person to tell him that he can't get a piercing or 2, so I'll just wait for him to get them and then suffer from an infection. Then maybe he'll figure it out on his own, like me. Or maybe not, like me. He can do whatever he wants with his body; I'll still love him.......

So that's what's going on here in a nutshell. Blissfully boring! And I couldn't be happier.....

Shit Happens. Literally.

2009-03-02T15:54:00.000-08:00

I have had a pretty bad week. I am happy to say that we are on an upswing right now, though, and I have faith that it's going to turn around. If I didn't have faith, I would have to take mood-altering drugs.

Our week started with Sam's tongue and all the nasty side-effects of having a tongue with ulers. The main problem was managing his pain and figuring out what it was in the first place, and we spent a lot of time in and out of the hospitals last week. In fact, to date we have seen 6 doctors (3 paediatricians) and apparently, none of them went to school together because they all have different opinions on what Sam's tongue problem is. We've had one say fungal, one said bacterial, 3 said viral, and one just walked away and didn't say anything! Sam's had 7 blood tests and 2 swabs and we've had no answers. His tongue started healing on Thursday and Thank GOD! Because that's when the puking started.

Seems our "Lucky Sam" picked up a wicked gastro-bug from one of the hospitals we visited.

So, Sam and I spent a couple of days in the hospital. Now he's at the end of day 5 of this bug and right now he's exploding on the toilet. I'm not sure how, since he puked in his bucket at Brandon's birthday dinner tonight.......poor, poor kid......

Brandon turned 15 today and I'm not sure how that happened. Maybe he'll gain a little maturity now that he's a year older? In an ironic twist of fate, Tim Horton's called him tonight to interview for a job!! Happy Birthday to Brandon!!

I had a test today and I didn't have a lot of time to prepare. I was really not feeling good about it at all after I wrote it, but it seems that I had nothing to worry about- I got 82.5%!! That is 10% higher than the class average!!!!! Yay for me!

Gotta cut this short....Sam needs (another) bath to wash away the body fluids.....argh!!!

Pictures of Sam's tongue today...it's really red underneath but looking MUCH better!

2009-02-25T07:12:00.001-08:00

Sigh

2009-02-25T05:50:00.000-08:00

We've had a tough week.

That's quite an understatement, actually. This has been the week from HELL. Sam's tongue has created quite a frenzy in our household...the only reason that I can blog right now is because he's still asleep due to the fact that he fell asleep at 1 am. Otherwise, I would be holding him as he shakes and screams and cries because of the pain. So here's how it's all gone down-

Friday- "My tongue hurts" several times during the day. His tongue is red and looks strawberry-ish. He was up several times during the night crying from the pain. Saturday-sores came out and looked like ulcers, not cankers or pustules, on the tip of his tongue. Regular doses of Advil and diversion seemed to keep him happy. Sunday- he seemed pretty good on Sunday....we went skating and he loved it, he ate some lunch, played some video games. But on Sunday evening the shit went down. At about 8:30pm, Eric and I were heading out for adult skating when we could hear whimpering from Sam's room...by the time we got upstairs it was apparent that we were heading to the hospital instead. Sam was shaking, feverish, overcome with pain...the ulcers had drained and what was left was a pretty large (maybe, an inch and a half?) ridge of open skin along the tip of his tongue. It wasn't just "open"; it looked like layers of the tongue had been scraped away to expose a hole. Anyhow, we took him to Emerg. at Southlake and had a VERY bad experience with a doctor (I'll blog about that at a later date!) who prescribed nothing and said that it's just "viral". Monday- after a very bad night, Eric stayed home with Sam and I went to school. I was sick as a dog! Anyhow, Sam seemed to be on the mend- ate, hung out with Eric and didn't require anything for pain. But that night he was up for 3 hrs! Tuesday- Sam went to school but I got a phonecall to pick him up by noon because he was crying in pain. I took him to a pediatrician and he admitted that he has never seen anything like this. He said it didn't look viral, it didn't closely resemble an allergic reaction, so he took a couple of swabs and put him on antibiotics. The pain was so bad while we were there that he also put him on codeine....the poor little guy was beside himself from having it poked at so much. The doctor told me to take him to Sick Kids if he got worse before our follow-up appointment on Friday. So we went home and for about 20 minutes (after the first dose of codeine) he was ok. But then the shitstorm began- screaming, crying, writhing, shaking....it was awful! After 3 hrs of this, we packed him up and took him down to Sick Kids. The doctor there looked at it, told us what it was called (something like- dlfkdjfldjfaldkfjdieuroeaiud) and said that there are a number of reasons this can happen. It could be something simple, but it could also be a symptom of something more serious. So he took bloodwork. And now we're home and waiting to hear something.

Sam just woke up and he's shaking but not crying. I guess that's a good sign......his tongue has a white coat where the ulcers where now, and I'm thinking that's a positive. At least it's not a wide-open, gaping sore anymore. Gotta go be with my boy!

Help Us. Please.

2009-02-24T06:34:00.000-08:00

Sam. Tongue. Hospital. Don't know. Virus? Crying. Whining. Shaking. Fever.

NO SLEEP.

Joanne's sick. Eric's exhausted. Pediatrician soon. Allergies? Don't know. Getting better. At school.

Sam's Tongue. Again.

2009-02-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

So. We're back to Sam's tongue. It's sore, red and it has ulcers on the end of it. He's whiny, miserable and tired because he was basically up all night. We put him to bed around 8:30 last night and when Eric and I hit the sheets at 10:30, we could hear him crying in his bed! Poor little guy!! Anyhow, this morning the ulcers came out on the tip of his tongue and it has been pretty tender. Now, as the parents of 4 children we didn't run out to the hospital or clinic this time. Instead, we had a conversation over breakfast this morning that went something like this-

Me...."I think he might be allergic to pineapple. He ate pineapple a couple of days ago and complained about his tongue while he was eating it." Eric..."I noticed that he seemed perfectly happy when we let him sit and watch a movie last night." Me..."Yeah...he ate all his breakfast this morning." Eric..."Let's take him to the Nascar Park to keep his mind off of it."

And that's how we ended up at the Nascar Park in Vaughn Mills on a Saturday. With 10,000 other people. For 4 hours. But, you know what? It worked...he didn't whine, cry or complain about his tongue as long as he was operating a moving vehicle! But- now we're home. And if I hear, "Oww! My tongue!" while he flaps his hands and arms one more time.....I just might go back to the Nascar Park.

Call me crazy......

2009-02-20T11:56:00.000-08:00

........but I'm seriously considering selling a line of jewellery in my spare time (*cough, cough*) Karen told me about them, I've done some research and I think I'm hooked!
http://www.silpada.com/public/home.jsf
I need to get my head checked!!

Back to the 1950's

2009-02-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

I know that I wrote yesterday about how fast time flies when you're raising a family....and it really is amazing. But today I'm reflecting on how much my family takes me for granted... I know, I know- it's nothing that I haven't "mentioned" before. But some days it just seems so much more glaringly obvious. It's no secret that things have become very 1950's since last August...I've been home taking care of the cooking, cleaning and kids and in a lot of ways I feel very fortunate! I've had the opportunity to become intimate with Brandon's teachers and principal, I've spent more time in my minivan than I ever imagined possible, I've learned the valuable lesson of being places at specified times as directed by Emma, and I've been afforded the time to go to Kristen's school every week to retrieve her snowpants, hats and mitts! Yup, I've been lucky.....and I am really ready to go my own way a bit. I'm excited to think that in a few months I'll be working, contributing financially to my family and contributing mentally to myself. I really do give credit to anyone who is willing and able to put everything aside for their family because it's a tough job.....but it's a job that I just cannot see myself doing 24/7, long-term. I love them, but I love myself too and sometimes, just sometimes, I need to come first.

2 or 3 years.

2009-02-19T13:19:00.000-08:00

As I waited for the bus to come this afternoon, I was hit (like a brick) with the realization that in 2 or 3 years, Emma and Brandon will no longer come camping with us. It's pushing it for them to want to come on weekend trips now, but they are both looking forward to going out East this summer. That's only because they have friends there waiting for them to arrive....

In 2 or 3 years I will no longer need to drive a minivan (YAY!!!).

We really weren't too sure if we would go back to Cape Breton this summer because: A) Hopefully I'll be starting a new job and B) We really can't afford it.....but when you think about the fact that this could be the last time we camp together, as a family, we can't afford NOT to.

It just astounds me.....the time has passed so quickly. People say it all the time, but until you are suddenly celebrating your kid's 17th birthday or teaching her how to drive you just don't get it. Sometimes you want the time to go faster, and sometimes you want it to stop so you can just enjoy each moment. But I've gotta tell you that 2 or 3 years is going to be gone before we know it. And that's a little bit sad.

Marriage is tough. Kids are tougher.

2009-02-18T11:58:00.000-08:00

Marriage is tough. Mine isn't, but I know that lots of my friends and family struggle with finding balance in their relationships. It seems as though nowadays, relationships just "run their course" or couples "fall out of love".... I don't judge anyone, believe me. I've been divorced once and as a remarried, formerly divorced woman with kids; my marriage to Eric is statistically doomed. Don't tell him that, though, 'cause I don't want to give him any reason to "drift apart" from me! No, I don't judge anyone trying to make a monogamous relationship work....it takes constant focus, so anyone who is married with kids can understand how tough that is. I haven't done any formal research or anything, but it seems to me that couples who are experiencing tough times usually have kids around the 5-7 yr. old mark....why IS that?? I'll tell you why-

Because kids suck the physical and emotional energy right out of you.

If you have no energy for yourself at the end of the day, how can you expect to give anything to your spouse?? How can you have a conversation on the phone/in person/locked in the bathroom when those little life-suckers are lurking around, asking questions/fighting/pissing their pants/and listening to everything you say?!!? It's tough! It's exhausting! It's mind-boggling!!!

I pray for everyone trying to make a relationship while raising a family....at the end of the day, though, I know that Eric and I together are bigger than just a family. We love our kids and cherish our family, but when the kids all grow up and leave us alone, we'll be happy together. Ecstatic, actually.....

Weight Loss Update

2009-02-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

I am 16lbs lighter today! I had a very slow weight loss week last week, and I've resigned myself to the fact that I cannot drink red wine as much as I would like. Sigh. I have pleaded with my husband to stop bringing it home unless it's on a Friday and he has been very supportive...

Exercise has been very easy.... skating with the kids, Wii Fit and running when I get a chance. But I am really going to try to run more often on the treadmill. You see, the nice weather is coming, dammit, and I would like to be in fine running form so I can hit the pavement!! When it gets nice enough outside, I'm going to bring Krissy along with me on some short runs...that kid has more energy than all of my kids combined!

My mom sent me a beautiful pair of earrings for losing my first 10lbs and I LOVE them! It was such a nice surprise to get them in the mail with a heartfelt note... I love you mom!!

No Drama...

2009-02-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

My, my! It's been a very busy weekend for us....

Yesterday, Eric and I went out to get Emma's birthday present......a new cell phone. So, I'm a little pissed about it, but it's what she really wants. Why would I be pissed, you ask? Because for the last 3 birthdays, I have given Emma a new cell phone. In fact, I just found the phone that we gave her last year on Thursday. It was mangled and in a hundred pieces at the side of the driveway because that's where she lost it- and that's where Eric snow-blowed it. So as far as I can tell, buying Emma a cell phone is like throwing money out the window. Well, whatever.....she was happy with it so I will pretend to be happy.

Yesterday Eric and I took Sam and Kristen bowling. Have you been bowling lately?!!? It was quite an experience.....we walked in and it was pitch black with glow-in-the-dark carpeting, strobe lights and flashing coloured lights. The music was BLARING. It was packed. It did cost about $37 for a half hour of bowling, 4 pairs of shoes and a pop and some nachos for the kids. The kids were complaining that the music was too loud, but otherwise they enjoyed it. I really, really suck at bowling but that worked out because everyone beat me and had a fun experience!

Today, we took the kids and the dogs for a hike on a trail near our house. Cindy has gained a bit of weight (she now snores as much as the bulldog) because all she does is sleep and I think she was happy to get out in the woods for some exercise. After the hike, we went skating! The kids LOVE skating....this is an ideal sport because it's cheap ($6 for 2 adults, 2 children) and it's something we can all do together. Today was Eric's first time out this year and he is amazing! A natural! Kristen and Sam love it a lot now too because they really don't fall that much anymore...

So, no drama this weekend.....and I'm kinda thankful for that. But we are all pretty tired!!

Emma.

2009-02-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the weirdest night.....Emma sat at the table for an hour after dinner and talked to us! She just talked about her friends, school and even our trip this summer out east (we've decided to try to go for 2 weeks in July, even though I may be just starting a new job). We talked about how much we wish that my parents would come out (East) with us and how much fun they would have. Brandon's girlfriend is here tonight and she's pretty cute....quiet, but cute!

I can't beliee that Emma is turning 17 in a few days. She's sooooo mature for her age on so many levels. I'm so proud to be the one that actually bore her! She's very cool, very mature and very down-to-earth. She loves her family so much! I LOVE her......

Kristen

2009-02-11T12:10:00.000-08:00

Kristen decided to write a story using all the words from her spelling list. I helped her with some of the technical stuff, but she wrote the story. Here it is.......

The Hurt Bug

By Kristen

Once upon a time there was a bug named Sam. Sam loved to play soccer. One day on Sam’s soccer day he fell and cut his knee. The boss of soccer saw his knee was bleeding but then he said he could go home. He went home and lay on the rug. His mother gave him a hug.

The end

The Joys of Motherhood.

2009-02-10T16:34:00.000-08:00

Well....here we are. Almost to the middle of February. The weather couldn't be better this week- See ya later, snow!! Kristen was out of the trampoline after school today, and I noticed that it was still light out at 6pm!!

We're about 2 weeks into the second semester, and I've already received my second phone call about Brandon!! I couldn't believe it when his science teacher told me that he has not been "engaged" in the class and that he's "disruptive" and has a "bad attitude". Really?!!? (sarcasm). I told the teacher that I no longer talk to anyone from school without Brandon present and that I would be happy to come by any day other than Monday...I told him that Brandon has to be accountable for his behaviour and if only the teacher and I are talking, Brandon is not being held accountable. The teacher told me he would talk to Brandon this afternoon, and call me with a meeting time for this week. Brandon came home from school and said, "The science teacher was actually nice to me today!". So I asked him, "Did he talk to you about your behaviour in the class and when we will be meeting together?" and Brandon said, "No. Why are we meeting with the teacher?"

Un-freaking-believable.

You know what else is unbelievable? Yesterday, I spent 7 hours in class just learning the principles of scrubbing, gowing and gloving. Not even practicing- just learning how! Like, reading textbooks, looking at PowerPoints and watching videos of proper technique! I had NO IDEA how many things needed to be considered to operate on someone! I guess I had just never really considered how much work is involved in preventing infection during/after surgery....now, I will never forget!

Sam and Krissy's eyes are better and they are almost done the drops for pink eye. But tonight, Sam started complaining about a sore throat so I guess I can predict my near future; lots of whining, sleepless nights and more whining. Suffice it to say, Sam is not the best patient. In fact, he's a nightmare. Cute, but a nightmare. Tonight he stood in the kitchen, naked, asking for the clothes that Grandma and Grandpa bought him in Florida. Problem is, they are still in Florida. He just couldn't grasp that and he had a freak-out. Ah! The joys.........

Pink job, Blue job

2009-02-08T13:16:00.000-08:00

I have PMS... I'm bitchy and hungry and I'll cry if you look at me the wrong way (ask Eric). But today I faced some irreparable embarrassment, and it had nothing to do with PMS.

I had to take Sam to the clinic because he has pink eye in both eyes. Kristen had it last week, but the over-the -counter drops worked on hers...Sam's were just not getting better, so I was FORCED to go to the walk-in clinic. We sat there for an hour and a half while the doctor saw 4 f**king patients before us....I'm not kidding! That doctor was NOT moving fast! He looked at Sam's eyes and, yup!! He has pink eye....so, of course, OUR appointment only lasted 2 minutes while he wrote the prescription. I bought the 'script and as we left Shopper's Drug Mart I decided to stop on the way home and get gas and a car wash. So, I get the gas and get in line for the car wash.

I'm not sure what was wrong with me (hormones), but I COULD NOT get my tire in the groove thingy so the van could be pulled through the wash. I kept backing up and one time I thought I was in the groove, but it turned out I was ON TOP of it. I put my code in and then backed up again, so by the time I got back up to the intercom, my code was invalid. Whoa now!! I'm not an idiot- but I was not going to get my tire in that groove thingy on my own. So now, 5 minutes has gone by, there's a line-up behind me of 6 cars, the people in the gas station are trying to talk me through it over the intercom....then I see the guy get out of his car to COACH ME ON GETTING MY TIRE INTO THE GROOVE THINGY. I was mortified. I was sweating. I was beyond embarrassment. But- I had a clean van when I finally came through the other side. Yeah..... I've decided that a clean van is not worth my dignity, though. Today I told (cried to) Eric that I've decided that going to the carwash is now a blue job, not a pink job. He agreed, but I'm pretty sure he'd say anything to shut me up today....damned hormones.....

Farm Living.

2009-02-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

I miss the farm. I haven't been there since, oh, early November and I miss it terribly. It is so serene and organic.....but while my parents are in Florida, we don't go there. It's not the same when they're away anyhow, so I guess I am also missing my parents.

When I visualize the farm I see cows (of course!), tractors, Happy Hour on the front porch and gardens. When I think about the sounds of the farm? I hear cows bawling, crickets, tractors in the distance and Speedvision BLARING in the living room (my dad). Every time I look at my parents' dog, I think about them and the farm and how much I miss it all.

Today was a warm-ish day and we lost a lot of snow (Thank GOD!!!). It reminds me that spring is coming, my mom and dad are coming home soon, and we are going to get back to the farm again.

And tonight, a different kind of music........

2009-02-05T16:41:00.001-08:00

I am writing this blog to the sound of both Kristen and Sam crying in their beds. It seems as though sibling rivalry is getting in the way of a peaceful bedtime routine, so tonight I refused to read them a story or let them brush their teeth. Kristen is freaking out because Sam "hit" her 20 minutes ago, and Sam is freaking out because he's not allowed to brush his teeth. (He's a very task-oriented person and it's killing him that he can't carry out all his evening tasks!) I have been struggling with this routine all week while Eric has been away and I was hoping that he would be home tonight to help me out but he's not.

You see, Eric called me from Heathrow to tell me he's leaving me and he's not coming home.

KIDDING!! He's not home yet because, are you ready? **Deep Breath**.........

His flight from Ireland left an hour and a half late so he arrived at Heathrow too late to make his connecting flight to Toronto so he had to wait a few hours to get a flight to Montreal and when he got there he found out they cancelled the flight from Montreal to Toronto because of a malfunction on the plane and the next flight into Toronto doesn't land until 9:30 tonight.

WHEW!!

I just can't wait to hug him. I'm sure he's gonna be exhausted.....So now I don't feel so sorry for myself for having to deal with the whole "Bedtime Routine"....he's still sitting on a plane and in the time it has taken me to write this blog, the crying upstairs has stopped. Aaaahhhhhh!!!!

Lyrics and Vocals by Brandon

2009-02-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

Your eyes are the prettiest thing; Your face shines like an angel's wings; If I had a dollar for every smile you bring; I'd be rich

[chorus] Na na na na na na na na na (x3)

Your eyes shine like an angels wings; Your face is the prettiest thing; Everytime I'm with you; I wanna screamI love you

[Chorus]

Your Eyes are the prettiest thing; Your face shines like an angel's wings; If you don't think so, come and talk to me; Cause I love you....; The end of this song is near; Don't get me wrong, but your face And your eyes are the prettiest thing; And I love you.