Life is Good.

It's been a great week. On Tuesday, on my way home from the hospital, I got a phone call- I got the job!! The job that I completely "went for", the job that I switched placements at the last minute for.....the one that is made for me! The job that encompasses every skill that I possess.....

The job that I hope I love.

I also finished school today. So that makes my week even BETTER. I am done working for free. I am done with taking everyone's "advice" about how to fold towels or load a suture.

I AM DONE.

Now, I have a few weeks off before I get back on the working train. I plan on taking the time to relax (and NOT do homework or excessive reading about sterility), organize my closet (again), and start running again. I have been very negligent with my running for the last 5 weeks and I feel horrible.....so lazy and weak! I gave myself a "hall pass" when it came to running while I was working fulltime in the hospital. Getting up at 5:30 am to drag my ass to work wasn't conducive to running or any workout routine, for that matter! I know that sounds like an excuse, but running just wasn't as big of a priority for me as sleeping! So for the next 3 weeks- I will be running and weight lifting!!

On another note, I sent my mom home today... she has been an absolute God-send. Even with pneumonia! She came, she stayed, she babysat, she even did some gardening! The woman is an enigma! And when I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye she said, "I am so proud of you for doing it, Joanne." It made me want to cry! At 38 years old, my momma made me feel like crying for being proud of me!! It was worth the blood, sweat and tears just to make make my parents proud.

Any-hoo-hah, it's time for me to start my decompression. Deep breathing, red wine and some Indian food for a little celebratory dinner.....can't get much better than that, can it? Oh yeah! PLUS- my super hot husband!

Life is good.

Look!! Something Shiny!!!!!

People who meet me think I'm quite normal. People who know me are not fooled. I am a sucker for punishment, a glutton for pain! I have a problem with over-extending myself with "things"...not, like, playdates or appointments....but more like I have this compulsion to be doing 10 different things at once and none of them "jive" with each other. For example, right now I am working fulltime in the OR, selling a line of jewellery, being a mom and breeding our bulldog. I am CRAZY!! I just can't say no to anything that interests me at the time. It's great for learning time-management skills but it's horrible when I have 4 or 5 balls in the air at once and I feel like I'm about to drop one (or all)... Nevertheless, I am crazy and always have been so those who love me just learn to accept me.

We took the dog to the breeder's house today to become impregnated. She has to stay for 7 days and then we hope she comes home knocked-up...he's had 100% success rate with his inseminations for the past year so we're pretty optimistic that she'll come home with a bellyfull. He was concerned that the kids would miss their pet so he sent us home with a "loaner" bulldog named Darlington. Can you imagine?? A loaner dog?!!? Anyhow, she's not nearly as cute as our beloved Jewel, but the kids are loving her because she's new and different. It's kinda funny- the kids like new and different things and so do I. Hmmmm....maybe I need to grow up? Whatever. I figure that if I need new and different things in my life often it just means that I don't want to get bored. And being me never gets boring!!

Thank GOD for my sweet, understanding, level-headed husband because he loves me no matter what shiny, new thing I'm chasing next.

Time.

I recently had a conversation with my mom about, well, being a mom. She asked me, "if you had known what you know about having kids, would you still have had them?" I had to think about that for a few minutes......I mean, I LOVE my kids. But I realize that I have absolutely no time to myself. This is not some "ah-hah!" moment for me- I have felt it for about 17 years! So I had to be honest with my mom and say, "sometimes I would like to be childless."

Maybe I'm a monster for saying that. I don't feel like one, but I have to keep it real, here....I'm sure there are moments for every parent where they reminisce about all the time they used to have. As Eric says, "I never knew how much time I had until I had kids and it was all gone." Well, as a woman who started having kids early I guess I never had too much time to "sow my oats" before I had a kid attached to my young, perky breasts. So, yeah, I do wish I could go back and experience my 20's in a reckless, immature manner sometimes. But I would never, ever change the fact that I had my 4 beautiful, healthy kids.

Time is a funny thing. It seems that when you are young and short on time, it's when you need it the most; when you are old and have lots of time, you go to bed at 8:30pm and waste it all....No matter how hard I try to find some for myself these days, time eludes me....

It also occurs to me that I have just wasted 15 minutes of precious time bitching about having no time. ;-)

Therapy.

As part of my attempt to accept Brandon not living here anymore, I decided to paint his room. In the last few months I had allowed him to use his walls for graffiti because a) it was an artistic outlet and b)I was planning on painting it soon anyhow. So, I spent the weekend in his room cleaning and painting.....partly to clean it up and partly because I just miss him so much.

Here are the before and after shots.......

The Worst Week. Ever.

Boy this has been a tough week! Husband in Ireland for 2 weeks, tough job interview, work, Brandon leaving home......it's been one of the harder ones, for sure. I'm reflecting tonight, just trying to put everything in its place. And that's a tough thing to do!

I cleaned Brandon's room out today. It seems as though his room hasn't been truly cleaned for some time. I found a LOT of stuff in there, but now it's all either in a garbage bag or in a box for him to pick up. It's been a very sad process, cleaning all his stuff up and packing it away....my heart is absolutely broken in half.....but I'm hoping that this is a good thing for Brandon.

I've spoken to him and his dad today, and there is some talk about placing him in a private arts school in Trenton. Of course, that's only if marks aren't a considering factor. But I'm satisfied that his dad is actually thinking about what's best for him.

I am really hoping for that job on the Birth Unit. If it doesn't happen though, I'm sure I'll find a job in an OR somewhere with better hours. Usually, they only work 1 out of every 6 weekends in the Operating Rooms....those are some amazing hours when you consider it's nursing we're talking about!

I'm missing my husband TREMENDOUSLY this week. It's been a bad week for him to be away, but there's nothing we could do about that. He'll be home in a week and I just can't wait. I can't believe how much I love and miss him after all these years....he's the one I want when I'm feeling like this, more than anything (even chocolate or wine!).

Tomorrow I plan to blog with a more positive outlook and less despair. I thank you all for giving me this one day of sadness. After all that I've been through with my Brandon, I deserve it.

Tomorrow is a new day, with a new outlook.

Brandon's gone.....

Last week, after our most recent 'bout of problems with Brandon, I gave him a choice: straighten out or go and live with your dad. Well, after a week of phone calls from the school about Brandon skipping, I had him pack his bags. His dad came last night to pick him up and it was the hardest thing I've ever, ever done...

His dad knows that he hasn't been a father to his kids. It's a little late for him to start now, but I have no other options for this kid. He really didn't want to go, was angry about it, but he made his choice. I have given him so many chances, so many opportunities to get his shit together....but I've realized that I can't be the only one to care about him- Brandon needs to care just as much or he'll never, ever change.

I'm hoping that Bradon can find the will to be a great, responsible person. We have tried to lead by example at home but he is more concerned with rebelling. I know that going to his dad's isn't the best option for him, but if it helps him see the light then I'll know it was for the best. All I want, all I've ever wanted, was for Brandon to be happy. If he finds happiness with his dad, then that's all that matters.

But, man, I'm going to miss that kid like crazy.

Rita.

I'm stunned by the ability of women to pull together in a crisis. We are creatures who comfort and support each other, gather 'round and try to offer solace and wise advice during some of our lowest moments. It doesn't seem to matter what woman you confide in, most of the time she's there to offer you a shoulder to cry on! I have discovered that the internet has provided me with just such a woman.....her name is Rita and she lives in Australia. I've never physically met her, yet, we chat quite regularily online.
We have a lot in common, Rita and I. We both have deadbeat ex-husbands (she calls hers a Disney Dad- just there for the fun stuff!). We both have older and younger kids. And we have both experienced the joys (NOT!) of a troubled teenager. When I tell her what I'm going through, she knows! She has some great suggestions and some condolences for me.....because she knows EXACTLY how I feel. She has even posted a video on her Facebook page and dedicated it to me, because she knows what I'm going through.....and I've never, ever met her. Yet we know each other so well.
The internet is an amazing place to connect with people. But I have found that sometimes the best of friends turn out to be the ones that we haven't yet met. Even though there's a 12-hour or so time difference and we're a world apart, Rita and I have bonded. She and I are sisters of circumstance. And I appreciate her a lot.