The Quest for Balance.

Well it finally happened. I finally went back to work this weekend and it was beautiful and horrifying at the same time. I was so happy to be back but shit! It was busy and we were understaffed. It had been 6 months since I had worked there, and things had changed! New paging system, new policies, new documents to complete and things were moved around. I struggled on Saturday but on Sunday I was hitting my groove again and it felt, well, like home really...today I feel more "balanced" than I have in a looooong time. You can't buy balance and you can't wish it...you have to create it. I finally feel that (as a wife and mother of 4 kids) I can have a career that excites me and interests me. Right now I'm only working part-time, but I know that when the kids are a little older that will change. And I am looking forward to that day!!

Another great part about working this weekend was that I didn't have to put my "Random Comment Generator" on autopilot to spend time with Sam. I love, LOVE Sam. He is a very sweet, busy, fashion-conscious boy. But I get so tired of his constant need to converse. It is exhausting. I realize that this is a stage and in 15 years I'll be wishing for this time back blah, blah, blah. I have four kids, ok? By the time the fourth kid hits the less desirable stages (non-stop questions, peeing the bed, sniffing their fingers all the time) I am a little tired. Don't get me wrong here- I am very laid back and calm. But I know from experience that the only way to escape the "shitty stages" of my kids' lives is to actually escape. A lot of parents look for solutions to these stages by scouring the internet or reading "kid help books" but I have learned that these times are to be endured, not solved.

Brandon came home for a visit this weekend and, unfortunately, I didn't get to see him much. I'm okay with it, though, because I am not the only person in this family who needs to have a relationship with Brandon. So, (thank all that is holy for Eric) the fam-jam spent some time together without momma-bear. They had a fabulous, stress-free time thanks to that man-angel husband of mine. He drove the 5-hour 'round trip twice this weekend just so we could be a complete family again. I know that it was a great visit because Brandon is begging to move back home now. I told him he needs to finish his school year and then we'll talk. After all, we all know Brandon changes his mind faster than I can change a diaper, and that's pretty damn fast. The truth of the matter is that I have made a pretty sweet scrapbooking room out of his old bedroom. Around here we call it "The Happiest Place on Earth", and I'm not so sure that I'm willing to give it up! Does that make me selfish??

We all need to find a way to fit the "wants" and "needs" into our lives, that's what balance is all about, right? I just hope that Sam will find balance between talking and silence soon.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.....

I don't know why, but after having 4 kids I am still amazed by the chaos they can cause without really trying. They can turn a simple shopping excursion into absolute purgatory. They can turn a quiet family dinner discussion into a dramatic performance worthy of a frickin' Academy Award. They can ask so many questions that your ears start to bleed.
They can tell a lie.
Most kids lie all the time and we never really notice. A little, "I didn't do it!!" here and a little "I brushed my teeth" there. It's all seeminglyy harmless, right? Well Kristen told a doozy a couple of weeks ago that created an immense amount of chaos which included the police, the Children's Aid and it probably shaved about 10 years off my life.
It all started with a sleepover at her bestest friend's house on a Saturday night a couple of weeks ago. They went out for dinner, went skating and had a sleepover. We've known this little girl and her parents for about 4 years. The girls go back and forth to each other's houses often for playdates. So, on Sunday night I put Kristen in the shower. She's lathering up, doing her thing....then I tell her it's time to wash her hair. As I'm holding the shampoo over her cupped hand she says it. Like this-
"Amanda's dad already washed my hair last night"
Um. Blood swishing in my head.......WHAT?!!? WTF DID MY BABY JUST SAY TO ME???
So, I started asking her questions...when did he give you a shower? What did he wash? How did you feel? And on and on....and SHE sees my interest and she knows that she has to answer my questions. So, after our discussion I say to her, "We have to talk to Amanda's dad or to the police, honey." She freaks out. Full-on crying and pleading, "Please don't tell Amanda's dad! Please, please, please!" So, I am thinking that this monster has touched and then threatened my baby because why else would she be so terrified of him? He is a monster, monster, monster who must be punished!
So Eric and I head into the police station to find out what we should do.
Within 2 hours (on a Sunday) they had a team of Special Investigators, the Children's Aid and interviews were being conducted in a special audio/video room. I interviewed first, then Kristen. (Because she disclosed to me, I was a witness and I could not be told what happened in Kristen's interview.) After a couple of hours with the police, we left and they assured us that Amanda's family would be brought in for questioning next. At this point, they had no idea that this was even going on. So, we had to go on with our lives for a couple of days until the police couldl figure out what they would be charging this asshole with.
After a day of worry, tears and specualation we get the call from the police.
Um. Yeah. Kristen lied about the shower.
She admitted it all when I confronted her and said she was so scared that she would be caught lying that she didn't want us to talk to Amanda's dad because then he would call her out! The entire thing started when Kristen decided she didn't want her hair washed so she made up the lie about Amanda's dad washing her hair the night before. It just started a snowball effect that ended with Amanda's dad having his ass hauled in for questioning!!

The first thing we did was take Kristen straight over to Amanda's house for apologies. It was heartfelt and we were mortified, but her family was really cool about it. I learned something really important from that experience though....

Kristen opens her eyes and mouth really wide when she lies.

Ugh. Resolutoin HELL......

They say that time heals all wounds.....and I'm sure that "they" must mean a loooooong period of time. Or maybe I'm just a spiteful bitch who holds a grudge (maybe?!!?), but I am still willing to let my kid move home in about 3 weeks when his first semester is over. Turns out that he is depressed, lonely and not really getting the guidance that he needs from his dad. (REALLY?!!? oops....spiteful bitch is surfacing again....) So, we have decided that he needs to come home, get some therapy, get a job and get a circle of support gathered around him. We, as a collective, have had a nice break from the stress that Brandon was inflicting and we all agree that he deserves another chance. We are refreshed and rested, so let's give this another try shall we??

I have made a few resolutions for the New Year. I would like to lose weight and exercise more (blah, blah, blah)....I am also going to cut back on my red wine consumption (to help with the weight loss). I think I should try to stay out of school this year also, and just focus on settling into the new job. Well, that's a really tough one, but I'll try really hard! Ya know, when I think about resolutions, I am struck by the fact that most people have them. There's a lot of people in the world who see their own faults and weaknesses and who are spending a LOT of time and energy to change themselves. Maybe embracing ourselves is the first step in healthy changes...maybe loving ourselves will just, automatically, make others love us no matter what our weight, colour, or appearance may be? Maybe acceptance is the best resolution of all? After all, if these things were so important to us, wouldn't we have achieved them all before January 1st??

I don't know the answers. All I know is that I will try to do whatever feels good to me. And I hope to GOD that means losing weight and getting into shape.

Raising a family is tough shit work.

I am struggling here, folks.

I'm struggling with kids, work, dogs, marriage, kids, kids, kids........I'm sure it's the same bullshit most other families are dealing with, but right now it seems like it's all about me! I'm tapped out, babies!!!! The noise that Sam and Kristen make during their waking hours would make most people's ears bleed. It's unbelievable and it's my reality at the same time. Sam, as the youngest, refuses to grow up at all. Kristen, one of the middles, refuses to accept that she's NOT a parent. Brandon, another middle, won't call home. And Emma, the oldest, seems to be breaking under the pressure of being the firstborn a little bit. You know how it is with these kids- she comes home in time to make curfew because she's a "good girl" but then she pukes in the toilet from too much fun. I am just living the FREAKIN' DREAM here people!!

A couple of weeks ago, when I realized that I could also be an active participant in my own life, I decided to send a resume to my local hospital for a position in their operating room. Now I have a job interview! It's wonderful and it's scary all at the same time....I do love my job in the Childbirth Centre and I would love to stay on in some capacity, but I did just spend 7 precious months of my time becoming an operating room nurse. And I'm pretty sure that they have waaaay better hours than the 12 hour night shifts I've been pulling for the last 4 months! Don't get me wrong- I really enjoy my job and I hope to stay on in some capacity (maybe casual?). But I have to think about myself as a mid-life aged nurse and I'm not sure that working 40 minutes from home working nights is a long-long-term plan. The only problem is that I LOVE the babies.

Anyhow, career crisis and kid clusterf**ks aside, I am looking for a little breathing room. Eric is awesome (as always) but we struggle to find time alone. The kids are eating us alive and we swore it would never happen! But, somehow, it just started happening and now we are having a hard time stopping it. Suddenly, we are trapped on this treadmill of appointments, extracurricular activities (not our own!), and responsibility...Ewww!

Raising a family is tough shit work. And I'm not a weak person....but I'm feeling a little worn out.

Life is Good.

It's been a great week. On Tuesday, on my way home from the hospital, I got a phone call- I got the job!! The job that I completely "went for", the job that I switched placements at the last minute for.....the one that is made for me! The job that encompasses every skill that I possess.....

The job that I hope I love.

I also finished school today. So that makes my week even BETTER. I am done working for free. I am done with taking everyone's "advice" about how to fold towels or load a suture.

I AM DONE.

Now, I have a few weeks off before I get back on the working train. I plan on taking the time to relax (and NOT do homework or excessive reading about sterility), organize my closet (again), and start running again. I have been very negligent with my running for the last 5 weeks and I feel horrible.....so lazy and weak! I gave myself a "hall pass" when it came to running while I was working fulltime in the hospital. Getting up at 5:30 am to drag my ass to work wasn't conducive to running or any workout routine, for that matter! I know that sounds like an excuse, but running just wasn't as big of a priority for me as sleeping! So for the next 3 weeks- I will be running and weight lifting!!

On another note, I sent my mom home today... she has been an absolute God-send. Even with pneumonia! She came, she stayed, she babysat, she even did some gardening! The woman is an enigma! And when I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye she said, "I am so proud of you for doing it, Joanne." It made me want to cry! At 38 years old, my momma made me feel like crying for being proud of me!! It was worth the blood, sweat and tears just to make make my parents proud.

Any-hoo-hah, it's time for me to start my decompression. Deep breathing, red wine and some Indian food for a little celebratory dinner.....can't get much better than that, can it? Oh yeah! PLUS- my super hot husband!

Life is good.

Weight Loss Update

I am 16lbs lighter today! I had a very slow weight loss week last week, and I've resigned myself to the fact that I cannot drink red wine as much as I would like. Sigh. I have pleaded with my husband to stop bringing it home unless it's on a Friday and he has been very supportive...

Exercise has been very easy.... skating with the kids, Wii Fit and running when I get a chance. But I am really going to try to run more often on the treadmill. You see, the nice weather is coming, dammit, and I would like to be in fine running form so I can hit the pavement!! When it gets nice enough outside, I'm going to bring Krissy along with me on some short runs...that kid has more energy than all of my kids combined!

My mom sent me a beautiful pair of earrings for losing my first 10lbs and I LOVE them! It was such a nice surprise to get them in the mail with a heartfelt note... I love you mom!!

Merry Christmas Eve!

The gingerbread house has been built, the letters to Santa have been written (the kids are REALLY excited!) and now a snowman is about to grace our front yard.

We are a lucky family. A family built on love and trust and damn hard work...

Let the celebrating begin!

Brandon's Christmas Concert

There is some amazing musical talent at that school! I guess that's to be expected because it is a regional Arts school. The show started at 7:30 and Eric and I got settled into our seats at the Markham Theatre with Sam and Kristen. I was feeling really good because I had packed a couple of snacks, some books, some toys even a pad and pen for Krissy!! So there we were- Kristen,then Eric, then Sam then Me.

At 7:35, Eric and I were ready to hightail it outta there. Eric took the brunt of it because he was stuck in between the two of them. (I love you, honey!)

The kids KNEW about the SNACKS and they OBSESSED about them until I caved in and threw them in their faces. As we struggled to keep them quiet and still (a tremendous challenge for Kristen) the concert went on. Brandon was in the first act and the last act which really sucked because we were stuck for the duration. The band was great, don't get me wrong! But it was hard to concentrate with Sam tapping my arm incessantly saying, "Mommy can I have a snack? Mommy when can I have a snack?"

By the time the intermission came at 9pm, Sam was sound asleep and Kristen was STILL fidgeting, whining and complaining. The lady beside her was CLEARLY getting pissed off. Eric was sweating from the stress and offered to take the kids to the van to watch a movie. I said, "Why? Sam's asleep anyhow..." to which he responded with more sweat and a clenched jaw. Then, he offered to drive the kids home, put them to bed and come back to pick Brandon and I up....but we were about a half hour away from home and there was only 5 acts left, so it didn't make sense.

But the last 5 acts were booooooring for a 6 year-old. We threw the rest of the snacks and juiceboxes at her, gave her a book to read about monster trucks and then just dealt with her. By the time the show was over it was 10:15 and we were spent. I carried Sam out of the crowded theatre and Eric brought the car around 'cause we ARE an amazing team!

When we got home, Eric was tucking a very tired, very cranky Kristen into bed. In fact, she was crying from just being tired. So Eric whispered in her ear, "Krissy, you were a VERY good girl tonight" and she stopped crying and said, "Really?" and Eric whispered, "Daddy's VERY proud of you for being so good" and Kristen turned and looked at him and screamed, "WHY ARE YOU BREATHING ON ME?!!?"

At that point Eric turned on his heel and walked out of her room.

And THAT'S how Brandon's "Sounds of the Season" concert 2008 played out for us.

A dog named Cindy.

Just want to let my mom and dad know that Cindy is quite happy here at our house. It is a little busier and louder than she's used to, but she gets A LOT of attention. Kristen is imposing her own sense of fashion on the dog, but Cindy doesn't seem to mind!

Today I lose my husband.

Argh! I'm really starting to hate Ireland! Today Eric's going for another week of work in "Bad Luck Ireland". I call it bad luck because for me it is.....the last time he worked over there for a week, he came back and disappeared for a month! I mean, even though he was at home Ireland and all it's demands STOLE my husband!

I'm trying to find that single-mother headspace before he leaves...the one where I accept how little sleep I'll get because Sam will wake me up all night to tell me about his dreams. The one where I'll have to find a way to make sure the teens get home safely while I've got little ones asleep in bed. The one where I'll have to deal with Jewel and her potty schedule all by myself.

BUT-

It's not all bad!

While we're on our own we eat alphagetti's for supper and I may not even get out of my jammies if I can avoid it. We'll turn up the music loud and the kids will bang on the piano and guitar (Eric can't tolerate excessive noise). Also, my mom's coming for a day or two to decorate the house for Christmas!

So......while I'll miss my husband dreadfully, I also look forward to a week of just me and my offspring......but I'll be the first one in line to kiss him and hug him when he gets back.

Christmas starts early

At least it does for our family. Due to a very large, aging, spread out family we are forced to have our party early and in a hall. I think the count last night was around 125 aunts, uncles, cousins and a bunch of people I didn't recognize. So, the kids were super excited to see Santa and get presents....

This year Emma sold tickets for our annual draw. Everyone brings something to put in the draw as a way to raise money for next year's party. We had a banner year for ticket sales thanks to Emma and her cute face! We also had a silent auction and auctioned off 4 larger dollar items. I won a half day at a horse farm (For Krissy and I to spend a special day together) and a handmade Christmas quilt wall-hanging thingy.

All in all it was a really nice day and I don't even have any really funny stories to tell about it. I just felt so proud of my little family last night! Everyone was on their best behavior and it meant the world to Eric and I.