Pain.

The pain of loss is profound. It is a lonely, cold and empty feeling. Yearning, wishing, hoping....they are all useless when it comes to loss. I've noticed that there has been a process that I've had to endure since Brandon moved away; and it looks a lot like the grieving process...denial, anger, sadness....these are all familiar to me. I am now at a point of acceptance. I accept that he is gone. I accept that I am no longer a big part of his life. I even accept that he doesn't return my calls very often.

I know that Eric has been worried about me and I'm sure he thought that I would have a much harder time with the fact that Brandon is no longer an active member of this family. I mean, it's hard for me to even type that statement. But I am honestly getting used to the peace and quiet in the house, but even more so, in my mind. I am no longer plagued with thoughts, thoughts, emotions surrounding Brandon. My mind is starting to feel freed from the prison of never-ending anxiety. My heart is starting to heal. My feelings are still hurt, but they won't be forever.

I love that kid so much.

There's no "Secret"

Wow. I am doing ok! I thought I would be much more overwhelmed by getting back into nursing, but so far so good. I still think/know that the hours are going to suck after awhile...but I'm going to stay positive about it. It's "The Secret" to success. I've never actually read the book "The Secret", but it's a concept that I have applied to my life since I was left on my own with no money, no job and 2 kids to feed. If you visualize yourself being successful you will be. It's THAT simple. Your vision creates a life path for you and it takes you to the place you want to be. I'm not trying to sound all New-Agey or anything like that, but it DOES work!! I don't call goal-setting or working your ass off for what you really want a secret. It is just a way to set yourself up for success.

I'm hoping that Brandon will visualize himself passing his summer school courses.

I'm still having a hard time with that whole "situation". I have many days in a row where I can talk myself into accepting the fact that he doesn't live here anymore and isn't an active member of this family. And then, out of the blue, I will walk past his room and it hits me....then Eric will swoop in and comfort me and make me feel a bit better. I have to admit that I am not missing the constant drama and fighting, although I think that all of that becomes a "norm" and when it suddenly disappears everyone affected has to adjust to the deafening quiet. That includes Sam and Kristen who are just now getting used having the bulk of our attention. Emma would like to have everyone's attention, all the time, but she spends so much time with her boyfriend now that even she realizes it's not possible.

Well, I now need to study so I can start IV's and collect bloodwork. I know that I will be successful because I WANT to be. Sometimes I fantasize that you could wish that hard for someone else to focus their attention on what they want when they don't have the strength to do so. But I guess I'm (finally!) realizing that you have to let people travel their own paths. Even asshole teenagers.

Red, Red Wine Makes Me Feel So Fine......

I forgive myself. For drinking too much red wine, that is. It's necessary, otherwise I might feel guilty about yet another thing in my life. As if raising kids didn't make me feel guilty enough, right? The fact that I'm in school (3 weeks left!!) and not at home. The fact that I don't have the time or inclination to volunteer at the school for Krissy and Sam (been there, done that). The fact that I sometimes give them soup out of a can for dinner (or worse, out of a box). Even the fact that I have Public Health on my back about immunizations for the younger kids and I really don't care if they get kicked out of school because I know that they've been immunized and I don't want to fill out the forms. I have a lot to feel guilty about so drinking red wine just can't be one of them. Especially after this week....the week from HELL.....

It's no secret to anyone who reads this blog that we've had several issues with Brandon. Not going to school, coming home stoned, getting kicked out of both bands in the last 6 weeks of school for not attending when we drive him there 4 times a week....that kid is totally anti-establishment and there's nothing we can do about it. But this week, I told him that he has to leave. If he refuses to go to school, refuses to do his homework and refuses to stop smoking weed he is not welcome to live at our house. It's pretty straightforward....go to school, do your homework and pass and stop coming home at 4 o'clock stoned. Well, Brandon couldn't seem to get it together so I told him to LEAVE. And he did. It was AWFUL. The first night I didn't sleep a wink and Eric kept reassuring me that he'd come home or sleep in the car. We left the outside light on and the cars unlocked just in case, but no Brandon. I had to get up in the morning and go to work/school as though nothing was out of the ordinary. I had a TERRIBLE day the first day but Emma told me that he had come home to shower and eat while we were at work so I felt better. But the 2nd day, he literally disappeared. Nobody saw him, nobody knew where he was....all of his closest friends didn't even know he wasn't at home!

While he was missing in the first 24-36 hrs, his dad called. When I told him that Brandon was gone and I wasn't totally sure where he was there was MELTDOWN. I mean, total meltdown. Which is really strange for the dad who hasn't bothered to call in 4 MONTHS. While I was at work on the 2nd day of Brandon missing, his dad decided to come to Newmarket to look for him. I guess I felt a little irritated. I mean, I wasn't so concerned that I was willing to take the day off of school. Brandon has always been VERY resourceful and I know him really well, so I was planning on finding him after work on Friday. But Steve came to town, full of drama, and I had to come home from work on Friday just to get in the car with Steve to look for Brandon all over town. After a couple of hours together in the car (more time together than we've spent in the last 15 years!) Steve was clearly a blubbering mess. All worried about Brandon and wanting to call the police....I was irritated and mad that Brandon made me spend this extra time with his dad after a long day in the OR.

When we got back to the house, Emma went on Facebook and found Brandon in 3 minutes. I have and always will say this: teenagers are the BEST networkers.

It seems Brandon stayed at a friend's house that night, but on the first night he stayed nowhere, walking around for the entire night. I can't say that I am upset about that because that kid needed a serious lesson- but man, was it hard!

Anyhow, Steve wanted Brandon to come home with him to get straightened out and I was ready to let him go....I figured that Steve's house would be better than wandering around the mean streets of Holland Landing....but Brandon told his dad NO. He is not interested in living with his dad. And that ASTOUNDS me. I thought that all this time, he was behaving badly so that we would cave in and send him there. But it turns out, that is the last thing Brandon wants. So, I told Brandon he could stay but he's on probation for 10 days. If he skips school, does drugs or consumes alcohol, if he doesn't do his homework EVERY NIGHT and if I get any phone calls from the school he's going to live with his dad. It's now the threat. Strange how things take a turn, huh??

So, as I write this blog, I am sitting on the deck and drinking a glass of red wine. And I don't feel a damned bit of guilt, I'll tell you.

Oh. My. God.

Somebody help me!!!

I have been dealing with teenage hormones/angst/anger since I got home from school at 3:30 today. It all started last night when Emma walked in the door.......

Stoned.

That's right, stoned. And it was very bizarre because it was a Sunday night, no party, just her and her boyfriend at his house after his parents took them out to Moxi's for dinner. So, to say the least, I was very, VERY disappointed in her. I felt it was disrespectful and I was shocked that she would find herself being driven home by his mother because her boyfriend was not fit to drive! WTF???

So, what's a mother supposed to do? I wasn't sure, so I grounded her for a week. No boyfriend, no going out, no life. And that's what she deserves, but she hates my guts. Thinks I'm ruining her life, thinks I hate her boyfriend, hate her life........so I offered her the option to just leave and see how that works for her. Of course, I was very quick to point out how it worked for me 20 years ago. But she's going to have to make her own decisions, her own mistakes. I guess hating me is just all part of the process. It just sucks is all.

No pain, No gain.

Last week we had "Meet the Teacher" night at high school. The kids didn't tell us about it. I happened to drive by the school the day before, and I saw it on the sign in front. So, I asked Brandon about it since he's the one we're worried about. He said, "Oh yeah. But there's no appointments left." Really?? How convenient for Brandon........so, the next evening while Brandon was at work Eric and I went to the school. We waited outside all of his classes for a chance to meet his teachers. Turns out, he was supposed to make us appointments and most of his teachers were full. But, we still tried to push our way in and we managed to speak to 2/4 of his teachers. His French teacher told us that us getting 21% and his gym teacher said he's doing fine. So, the only subject he is passing is gym. And band. When we got home, Brandon came clean and admitted that he's also failing math and science. **sigh** So, we have a kid who's failing 3 subjects and nobody at the school has called- no teachers, no principal, no guidance counsellor and certainly no Brandon. I guess the school doesn't realize that Brandon has parents at home who actually give a shit about him, but that doesn't excuse the fact that none of his teachers didn't call. And still haven't!

So, we took away his Xbox and his computer privileges and he's grounded from hanging out with his friends.....and I helped him organize his binder and I FORCE him to sit and do his homework every night. So, basically, the entire family is paying for Brandon's refusal to try harder in school. On the plus side, he seems to be losing a lot of that early teen aggression so he's becoming more reasonable. I almost like to talk to him now because he's a little more human, ya know?

I am convinced that we'll get this kid straightened out. We've come way to far with him to let go now. It's just.....painful sometimes.......

The Black Hole.

I hate to admit this, but I'm pretty sure that teenaged son of mine has a bunch of air where his brain is supposed to be. That is the only explanation for what he did today.

I finished school early this afternoon and went straight to the high school to make sure Brandon was ok to walk the 1.5 miles to work. It was his first day and I was excited for him, but to be TOTALLY honest I wanted to make sure he remembered that he was supposed to work. I saw him walking up the sidewalk in a t-shirt (it was -7 degrees C. with the windchill), his arm in his sling and carrying a bag over his good shoulder. So, I yelled and he came over with a huge grin on his face. I asked him how his day was. "Horrible", he said. I asked him why it was so bad and he said, "I rolled over on my shoulder in the night and it hurt so bad so I took some codeine. Emma didn't wake me up for school this morning and I slept 'till 10 o'clock! So, I had to use my longboard to get to school." Hmmmm.... his longboard? With a separated shoulder? So he continues, "I wiped out on my longboard and now my shoulder kills."

**sigh**

I just don't even know what to say. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But I guess that's just what teenagers are, right? Anyhow, yesterday I only saw physiotherapy in my future. Today, I see physio AND surgery. Gawd!!!

Open Door Policy.

Sometimes teenagers make love seem impossible. Somewhere, deep down inside, you know you love them.....but you kinda hate them at the same time. I feel this several times a week so I know what I'm talking about. And yesterday I felt it in a big way.

Yesterday, Eric took Brandon to band early and I put Kristen on the bus and took Sam skating. That meant that Emma was home alone for a few minutes before her bus came. Sam and I had a great time skating, then we went for coffee/hot chocolate, then we grocery shopped....we got home about 3 hrs after Emma had caught her bus.

I backed the van into the driveway and unbuckled Sam. When we got to the front door I couldn't believe my eyes. The front door to our house was WIDE open. Not just unlocked. WIDE open. The furnace was blaring, there were lights on.....for a moment I was afraid that we had been "broken into". Apparently not. Apparently I just have the laziest f**king teenager on the face of the planet. Thank God the porch door was closed because if it hadn't been, both of the dogs would have been gone. I. Was. Livid.

So she gets home from school and she's "tired". Of course she's tired- she's trying to juggle a job and school and a new boyfriend on no sleep. I'm convinced she's awake texting all night! Anyhow, I said to her- "Emma, I got home this morning to find the front door wide open. I am so angry that you didn't lock it so you can imagine how pissed I am that you didn't even bother to close it." And she said, "Really? I swear I closed it! I swear! Sorry! Sorry!"......so I asked her if she would like a lesson on how to properly close and lock the front door and she said,

"I know how, mom. I was late for the bus. Would you rather I had missed the bus?" So, I guess she was sooooo late for the bus that she couldn't close the door behind her? That makes me soooo mad. She clearly does not give a shit about our home or anything in it. And that's what makes me the angriest.

So, I have decided that the next time I come across a situation where she shows no respect for our stuff, I'm going to through all her stuff on the front lawn. Then maybe, just maybe, she'll get my point. And she'll be so angry at me it may feel like hatred....but deep down she'll still love me.

The Joys of Motherhood.

Well....here we are. Almost to the middle of February. The weather couldn't be better this week- See ya later, snow!! Kristen was out of the trampoline after school today, and I noticed that it was still light out at 6pm!!

We're about 2 weeks into the second semester, and I've already received my second phone call about Brandon!! I couldn't believe it when his science teacher told me that he has not been "engaged" in the class and that he's "disruptive" and has a "bad attitude". Really?!!? (sarcasm). I told the teacher that I no longer talk to anyone from school without Brandon present and that I would be happy to come by any day other than Monday...I told him that Brandon has to be accountable for his behaviour and if only the teacher and I are talking, Brandon is not being held accountable. The teacher told me he would talk to Brandon this afternoon, and call me with a meeting time for this week. Brandon came home from school and said, "The science teacher was actually nice to me today!". So I asked him, "Did he talk to you about your behaviour in the class and when we will be meeting together?" and Brandon said, "No. Why are we meeting with the teacher?"

Un-freaking-believable.

You know what else is unbelievable? Yesterday, I spent 7 hours in class just learning the principles of scrubbing, gowing and gloving. Not even practicing- just learning how! Like, reading textbooks, looking at PowerPoints and watching videos of proper technique! I had NO IDEA how many things needed to be considered to operate on someone! I guess I had just never really considered how much work is involved in preventing infection during/after surgery....now, I will never forget!

Sam and Krissy's eyes are better and they are almost done the drops for pink eye. But tonight, Sam started complaining about a sore throat so I guess I can predict my near future; lots of whining, sleepless nights and more whining. Suffice it to say, Sam is not the best patient. In fact, he's a nightmare. Cute, but a nightmare. Tonight he stood in the kitchen, naked, asking for the clothes that Grandma and Grandpa bought him in Florida. Problem is, they are still in Florida. He just couldn't grasp that and he had a freak-out. Ah! The joys.........

Same Old Song and Dance.

Today has been a tough day. I've got all 4 kids home (Sam has no school today, Kristen is sick, Emma and Brandon have no exams) and we're having a snowstorm. So.....let's just say it's been cozy here at home today......

I've noticed that Brandon is spending an awful lot of time with Alex lately. He's a nice kid and he has a nice family, but it concerns me that Brandon wants to spend every waking moment with him AND he neglects his responsibilities at home. So yesterday I told him that he's not allowed to hang out with Alex at his house or ours until he has found a part-time job. It was quite obvious that he thought I was kidding because this morning I heard him tell Emma that he would be hanging out with Alex this afternoon.

"No you're not," I said. He asked me WHY. I asked him, "Do you have a job yet?" Noooooo..... So I reiterated the rule about NOT hanging with Alex 'til he has a job. Do you know what he said to me? Do you want to know what that snot-nosed a**hole said to me?

"Then you have to drive me to look for a job."

S'cuse me?!!? I don't let anybody tell me what to do and I wasn't gonna start with him! So, I gave him $3 and told him to get on the bus and go to a certain Tim Horton's (Emma's friend works there and was expecting him) and to Harvey's and McDonald's. About an hour later he calls me from Alex's HOUSE. I asked him, "Did you find a job in an hour??" and he says, "No. But I just came to pick up Alex to go with me." Sooooo. Now I'm STEAMING. I can literally feel the heat radiating from my ears I'm so FREAKIN' MAD. And I also felt so angry at myself for expecting anything but this from Brandon. So, I hopped in the van and drove to Alex's to pick him up. And now he hates me even more than he did this morning.

So what now? He has failed Geography (he says he doesn't care), he refuses to get a job (I even made his resume), he doesn't want to be at home (he says he's tired of fighting), he smokes (he swears he doesn't anymore, but, well, he lies) and today I told him if he doesn't like the rules here, I can't stop him from leaving....but then I told him if he leaves I'll call the police and they will take him away and put him in a Foster Home (he says that he would like that better) (THEN HE SAID HE WAS CALLING HIS DAD- HA! Go ahead......)

Hate to sound like a broken record here, but I really am lost. Help.

The Resurface of Old Joanne.......

Ugh. Today I totally lost my cool. You know, I used to be a really tough cookie before I met my rock-solid husband. When I was on my own with 2 little kids I was nobody's fool because I didn't have anyone to back me up. But I have softened considerably since I met The One.

Well, today I found that "Old Joanne" and it only took a group of about 8 teenage boys to bring her around.

I was at the school to pick up Emma and Brandon after their exams. They weren't at the regular meeting spot, so I decided to take a cruise over to the convenience store to see if I could find Brandon. And he was there. With a bunch of boys. Smoking. I pulled up beside them and opened my window and said, "BRANDON! Get in the car now." So he put out his smoke and got into the front seat while I yelled at his buddies, "Hey! I heard that smoking kills you!" They kinda just stared at me so I took the opportunity to "cuff" Brandon. As I was turning around to leave the parking lot, one of those little f**kers looked right at me and made a smoking gesture and laughed at me.

Well.

I slammed on the brakes right beside him and put my window down. I was LIVID. I said, "Do you have something to say to me???" and the kid just stood there looking stunned because I'm sure he knew as well as I did that I was ready to get out of the car to "cuff" him too. His friend punched him in the side of the face and said, "No. He has nothing to say." So I drove away.

When we were driving home I had Emma, Sam, Brandon and Brandon's friend Alex in the car. I had previously agreed to take Alex home from the exam. I turned to Brandon and said, "You are not going to Alex's house today. You are going home." To which HE said, "No I'm not. I'm going to Alex's and if you force me to go home I'll just leave."

Well. Well.

So I slammed on the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road. I said, "You have a choice. You can come home with me or get out of this car right NOW and find your own way in this world." So, of course, he came home with me. When we pulled into the driveway I looked at him and said, "Don't ever call me out in front of your friends again. I refuse to lose which means you will never win in those situations." Let's just say that he's spending a lot of time in his room this afternoon.

I am not proud of the fact that I let those boys make me so angry. In my mind I could see myself throwing them down in that dirty parking lot like cigarette butts. But at the same time, I was glad to see some of my past strength resurface! I guess it's not gone....just put away until I really need it. Now- hopefully that strength will quietly carry me through these very trying years as the mother of a troubled teen.

Exam Week

It's that time of the year! It's EXAM WEEK....the end of the first semester is nearing and the report cards will out in a couple of weeks....

It's the time of the year when I hear "rumblings". That's right, rumblings. Casual comments in passing conversation like, "School was ok today. Becca and Steph and I went out for lunch at the pizza place and, yeah, I think I'm going to pass math but it won't be by very much." And just this morning- " I only have 2 exams and a tech project, but my tech project isn't going very well because I accidently deleted the template and my teacher hates me so he won't help me. No! Ask Conner! The teacher hates me! He wants me to fail."

So, because both of the kids are in high school now, I am not monitoring their study habits or concerning myself too much with whether they pass or fail. I am simply going to watch their actions and then watch the consequences of their actions unfold. It's kinda killing me to do it, but I am FORCING myself to not get involved. I have already been to high school. I have had my high school experience and now it's time for theirs.

We recently had dinner with friends from England and they told us that high school ends at age 14. At that point kids either go on to post-secondary education or get out in the workforce. Can you imagine? Here, we are practically scared to let our kids wipe their own asses before they're 16!

Man, exam week is so enlightening.

The worst thing a teenager could admit to his peers is that he has parents. Did you ever notice that at a certain age teens start to pull away from their parents like they have leprosy? Well, Brandon has become one of those teens. So when I found out that he's been skipping classes again it was a natural decision for me to walk him to class and embarrass him. He was MAD when I told him I'd be driving him to school this morning. He was adamant that he would not be going to classes if I came into the school. He felt sick to his stomach on the way to school. But I didn't care. I told him,

"You've lost your way and I'm going to help you find your way back. Sometimes when you come from a place of love, it means doing tough things. I love you so much that I'm willing to do them."

I think he partially accepted that, but he didn't like it! So, we got to his class just after the bell and the teacher was already conducting a lesson. He looked at me standing in the door and I said, "I'm helping Brandon get to his class this morning." The teacher got a big smile on his face and I looked at the sea of faces in the classroom and they all had their mouths hanging open (like most teens do, but they actually looked a little shocked). Then I told the teacher that I was aware that Brandon skipped his class yesterday, but it was not parent-approved and to give him whatever punishment is necessary. I left that school today feeling as though I had dealt with a problem, not just floated through the problem. Believe me- I'm no fool. I know that problems are creeping up just as fast as I deal with them but the point is that I didn't feel helpless today. I felt as though I did something that may help Brandon think twice about skipping in the future. But it doesn't stop there!! I've also told Brandon that I'm going to talk to his music teacher about kicking him out of his beloved band if he skips any more classes. Anyone who knows Brandon, knows that MUSIC IS HIS CURRENCY.

Eric and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that Brandon is unlike anyone we've ever known. He's an individual in a world of teenaged clones and that makes life tough for him. But we will always love this kid and his idiosyncrisies even when he makes loving him so TOUGH. Deep down inside he knows that he's loved so much and that is going to help him find his way. I just know it.

Challenging Times (and I'm not talking about the economy, folks)

In most families there is challenge...when a number of people live together and interact EVERY SINGLE DAY, there's bound to be challenging times. Ours is, and has always been, Brandon. I'm sure some people might think, "God! Leave that kid alone and let him live his life...nobody is THAT much work!" But the truth is that having a relationship with Brandon is THAT much work. He is an enigma wrapped in a riddle. He is beligerent, lazy, self-absorbed and a bit (a lot, actually) of a liar. He is also sensitive, caring and a good friend. Oh, that's right!! I DO see the good stuff too....but lately I'm having a hard time seeing the good stuff because of all the other crap.

Every time I interact with Brandon it feels like I'm swimming in a river with a really fast current and I'm soooo close to drowning but I never do! Instead I just keep swimming and swimming and all I feel is exhaustion.

Nobody has ever been able to "figure" this kid out.....no teacher, no Child Youth Worker, no therapist, nobody. I think that Eric and I know the most about Brandon and we're absolutely lost. LOST. And the worst part is that I think Brandon is on to us. You know when we were kids and we got into trouble, it just seemed like our parents knew what to say and do? That's not Eric and I with Brandon. Lately, Eric has been so patient and all I feel is rage. I'm so SICK of this person forcing me to deal with his problems....I am sick of him giving nothing and expecting so much in return. I am sick of feeling unsure about what to do, how to handle the daily issues. I am..............drowning.............

I've never seen a kid so determined to sabotage his family, his safe place. I've never had such a hard time coming from a place of love. I've never had a more difficult time figuring out what positive experience I am supposed to take away from raising this kid.

My friend Kristy told me to try taking the emotion out of the experiences that I have with Brandon and it may be easier to deal with him. I've really tried to do that and it does work, but at some point those emotions have to be released- and I think that's what has just happened.

The start of Christmas Vacation.

So, today is the first day of every parents' hell called- Christmas Vacation.

Emma took Kristen to the mall to go "Christmas shopping" but as we were walking out the door she was asking me for money...seems that she's not a great saver and her paycheques don't last as long as she'd like. (ANOTHER great teaching opportunity for Eric and I. Great.) Kristen was so excited to go shopping so I gave her $20. I gave Emma a lecture.

It took us half an hour to navigate our way to the mall through traffic and snowy roads and then about 15 minutes to get close to the mall entrance. I kept quizzing Krissy about what to do if she gets lost, where to go... she was getting really irritated with me...so then I started quizzing Emma. She's a teenager so she knows everything and that can really come in handy when I try to have a discussion with her. Therefore, she doesn't get irritated- she just says over and over again, "I KNOW mom."

Any hoo-ha after we dropped the girls off, Brandon, Sam and I went down to the shop to give the guys some cookies and then to do some grocery shopping. Sam is always excited to go out and he really doesn't care where he's going. But Brandon. Brandon really, really didn't want to come. I told him that Christmas is about family and he needed to come and help his out, so he came and irritated me the entire time....that kid can make noise NO MATTER WHAT. Drum beats on the shopping cart? No problem. Flicking the pen that I'm using to scratch stuff off of my list? Yup. Turning up the radio in the car so I can't concentrate on driving? Uh huh. Noise is not a problem for my son!

So by the time all of my shopping was done it was time to make the snail's pace back to the mall. As Emma and Kristen jumped in the van, I noticed Kristen had her face made up in some makeup that made her look like a child transvestite. I guess they made it to Sephora. But her makeup couldn't hide the huge smile on her face, so it was all worth it.

Now we're home and Sam is watching tv in his winter coat, snow pants, touque and rubber boots.

Sigh.

Tomorrow we'll get up and face this insanity all over again. Except we're going to attempt to build a gingerbread house. I must be CRAZY...

Same old, same old.

You know, I don't talk about my ex-husband very much. There's a couple of reasons for this: 1) I have nothing nice to say about him 2) It's a very, very old story in my life that I've moved waaay beyond and that really holds very few fond memories and 3) I despise the way he treats my kids, therefore, thinking/talking about him conjures up feelings that are unpleasant for me.

But tonight I am needing to vent.

All week Brandon has been excited to go to Steve's house this afternoon. He had a plan that included skiing and snowboarding, hanging out with his dad and coming home on Christmas Eve afternoon. Sadly, he has become cautiously optimistic when it comes to making plans with his dad because it is not unusual for Steve to not show up.

And that's what happened today.

As usual, Brandon tried to get in touch with Steve all day today to make sure he was coming and at what time. As usual, that f**ker wouldn't answer his phone. The more the day wore on, the more frantic the phone calls became. Finally, Brandon phoned Steve's office and had someone track him down. Steve is the general manager of a ski resort near Trenton so I guess he works a lot at this time of the year. Actually, according to Steve, he works ALL THE TIME ALL YEAR LONG and that's why it's so tough for him to see the kids. For the last 6 years or so, they have been very lucky to get 3 visits per year with the Sperm Donor. (Bitter much?!!?)

Anyhow, Brandon FINALLY got Steve on the phone around 4:30 and Steve told him it didn't look good for today. He also said, "We'll see if tomorrow works out, otherwise it'll be after Christmas for sure." Then, Brandon got very antsy and uptight (can't sit still, can't leave the younger kids alone, can't stop eating, can't take "no" for an answer) and understandably so...I tried to talk to him about how it's not his fault, but he insists that he doesn't care, that he expected it to happen anyhow. And we've been down this road countless other times so I'd like to believe him, but I just know that he had hoped that this would be the time that his dad wouldn't let him down. I know that all he wants is to feel loved and wanted by this asshole who has the honour of calling himself a "father".

As far as I'm concerned Brandon's father was sitting at the dinner table with him tonight, speaking to him calmly and understanding what turmoil he has surging inside of him. Brandon's "real" father came into our lives about 8 years ago and never lets him down. Brandon's "real" father continues to be a father even while Brandon tries to push him away for the Sperm Donor's attention. It is clear to everyone who has been a real dad to Brandon.

And one day, Brandon will see who his "real" father is too.

Just shut your mouth and smile. Shut your mouth and smile.....

Being the mom of a teenaged girl is never easy. On any given day I experience a range of emotions from love so deep it knows no depth, to irritation (like tin foil on a filling), to complete and utter disbelief that someone so much younger than me can know everything.

Today, I feel a little bit offended and it's for a very odd reason. You see, Emma and her best friend Gillian dyed their hair last night.

They are both natural redheads like me, and I couldn't believe that they wanted to colour their hair BROWN. Brown. Brown like soil. Don't get me wrong here- I have nothing against brown hair and people who are born with it should stay brunette.... but Emma was born with the MOST BEAUTIFUL auburn hair. You can't recreate it! And she chose to cover it up. And I just don't get it. I worked hard at making that girl and birthing that beautiful red head so I'm taking this a little personally, even though she tells me not to.

I HATE that she makes her own damn choices now. But I'm just going to put a smile on my face and shut the hell up. :)

PS Check out the before and after pics.

Brandon's Christmas Concert

There is some amazing musical talent at that school! I guess that's to be expected because it is a regional Arts school. The show started at 7:30 and Eric and I got settled into our seats at the Markham Theatre with Sam and Kristen. I was feeling really good because I had packed a couple of snacks, some books, some toys even a pad and pen for Krissy!! So there we were- Kristen,then Eric, then Sam then Me.

At 7:35, Eric and I were ready to hightail it outta there. Eric took the brunt of it because he was stuck in between the two of them. (I love you, honey!)

The kids KNEW about the SNACKS and they OBSESSED about them until I caved in and threw them in their faces. As we struggled to keep them quiet and still (a tremendous challenge for Kristen) the concert went on. Brandon was in the first act and the last act which really sucked because we were stuck for the duration. The band was great, don't get me wrong! But it was hard to concentrate with Sam tapping my arm incessantly saying, "Mommy can I have a snack? Mommy when can I have a snack?"

By the time the intermission came at 9pm, Sam was sound asleep and Kristen was STILL fidgeting, whining and complaining. The lady beside her was CLEARLY getting pissed off. Eric was sweating from the stress and offered to take the kids to the van to watch a movie. I said, "Why? Sam's asleep anyhow..." to which he responded with more sweat and a clenched jaw. Then, he offered to drive the kids home, put them to bed and come back to pick Brandon and I up....but we were about a half hour away from home and there was only 5 acts left, so it didn't make sense.

But the last 5 acts were booooooring for a 6 year-old. We threw the rest of the snacks and juiceboxes at her, gave her a book to read about monster trucks and then just dealt with her. By the time the show was over it was 10:15 and we were spent. I carried Sam out of the crowded theatre and Eric brought the car around 'cause we ARE an amazing team!

When we got home, Eric was tucking a very tired, very cranky Kristen into bed. In fact, she was crying from just being tired. So Eric whispered in her ear, "Krissy, you were a VERY good girl tonight" and she stopped crying and said, "Really?" and Eric whispered, "Daddy's VERY proud of you for being so good" and Kristen turned and looked at him and screamed, "WHY ARE YOU BREATHING ON ME?!!?"

At that point Eric turned on his heel and walked out of her room.

And THAT'S how Brandon's "Sounds of the Season" concert 2008 played out for us.

What Do I Know?

Turns out, not as much as I thought. Or hoped.

Last night Eric was outside doing something with the truck, when he saw Brandon 'round the corner of the house and light up a cigarette. Eric was so shocked he asked Brandon what the hell he was doing!! To which Brandon replied, "Nothing." HA! "Nothing" but break my heart!!

So, when Eric brought him into the house to tell me I tried to remain calm. (Having been smokers ourselves didn't make the situation any easier because we know that it's a lifelong battle to quit.) I asked my second-born why he was smoking and he said he just wanted to try it. Oh. OK. But, when I was trying smoking at 14 years old, I wasn't doing it by myself at the side of the house! So, in essence, I don't believe a damn word of it.

So- I immediately went to Emma. You see, if Emma knows anything she can't help but spill her guts....but, she was truly shocked. She actually said, "Ewwww!!! That's so sketchy! He's going to turn into a sketchy kid. I knew it would happen!!" And then she basked in the glow of NOT being the Bad Kid for a moment. (She missed her curfew by 2 hrs on Saturday night)

What did I think that I knew? I thought that Brandon would be the last kid to start smoking because he's been the most vocal about how disgusting it is. I thought that I had given him enough information about it that he wouldn't need to try it. I guess I thought that my kid, my kid would be better than to reduce himself to smoking-especially last night when he is suffering from a really bad chest cold.

But I guess what I now know is that my kid is only human. And no matter how much I hoped for him to be perfect, he's going to be who he'll be. It's his path to take.........but I'm not going to stop calling him "Smokey" for a looooong time.

Kudos to Brandon!

I'm so proud of the kid Brandon is becoming!

His music teacher took him aside the other day to ask him if he would be interested in joining the Intermediate music program and band. According to his teacher, Brandon has improved more in 2 weeks than any other student over the last 2 months! What a boost to BJ's ego!!

PRIDE:-)

Brandon.

I've had a lot of people ask me about Brandon over the last few weeks. I just wanted to let y'all know that he's doing really well.

He seems to have found a good crowd of friends, he joined the Navy Cadets, shaved his head, and is pretty heavily involved in the music culture at school. I would have to say that things in our house have improved 150% over the last 4 weeks- he even brought home 2 tests last week- 100% and 65%... NOT to say that he isn't still the same annoying, attention-seeking, constant-need-for-stimulation Brandon....but when he smiles, I see the old Brandon again. The sweet, helpful, funny Brandon that I had missed so much.

I have to thank my dad for being the one to help me see what that kid needed when all I really wanted to do was give up on him. You see, Brandon and my dad are kindred spirits- VERY much alike in personalities. My dad could see what he needed when all I could see was desperation...guess that's what parents are for, right?

I'm sure that he's going to continue to test the limits as he goes on through the year- I'm expecting it! But at least when I'm disciplining him I'll remember who he is...and what he's really capable of.

Thanks Dad xoxo