Same old, same old.

You know, I don't talk about my ex-husband very much. There's a couple of reasons for this: 1) I have nothing nice to say about him 2) It's a very, very old story in my life that I've moved waaay beyond and that really holds very few fond memories and 3) I despise the way he treats my kids, therefore, thinking/talking about him conjures up feelings that are unpleasant for me.

But tonight I am needing to vent.

All week Brandon has been excited to go to Steve's house this afternoon. He had a plan that included skiing and snowboarding, hanging out with his dad and coming home on Christmas Eve afternoon. Sadly, he has become cautiously optimistic when it comes to making plans with his dad because it is not unusual for Steve to not show up.

And that's what happened today.

As usual, Brandon tried to get in touch with Steve all day today to make sure he was coming and at what time. As usual, that f**ker wouldn't answer his phone. The more the day wore on, the more frantic the phone calls became. Finally, Brandon phoned Steve's office and had someone track him down. Steve is the general manager of a ski resort near Trenton so I guess he works a lot at this time of the year. Actually, according to Steve, he works ALL THE TIME ALL YEAR LONG and that's why it's so tough for him to see the kids. For the last 6 years or so, they have been very lucky to get 3 visits per year with the Sperm Donor. (Bitter much?!!?)

Anyhow, Brandon FINALLY got Steve on the phone around 4:30 and Steve told him it didn't look good for today. He also said, "We'll see if tomorrow works out, otherwise it'll be after Christmas for sure." Then, Brandon got very antsy and uptight (can't sit still, can't leave the younger kids alone, can't stop eating, can't take "no" for an answer) and understandably so...I tried to talk to him about how it's not his fault, but he insists that he doesn't care, that he expected it to happen anyhow. And we've been down this road countless other times so I'd like to believe him, but I just know that he had hoped that this would be the time that his dad wouldn't let him down. I know that all he wants is to feel loved and wanted by this asshole who has the honour of calling himself a "father".

As far as I'm concerned Brandon's father was sitting at the dinner table with him tonight, speaking to him calmly and understanding what turmoil he has surging inside of him. Brandon's "real" father came into our lives about 8 years ago and never lets him down. Brandon's "real" father continues to be a father even while Brandon tries to push him away for the Sperm Donor's attention. It is clear to everyone who has been a real dad to Brandon.

And one day, Brandon will see who his "real" father is too.