A little Sunday Torture....

It was a snowy, snowy Sunday today. Environment Canada was bang-off on the weather again and instead of 2-5cm of snow, we got about 25cm of the white manure. Now that it's nearing the end of January, I'm becoming a bit of a "winter bitch".....just a little tired of the frigid temperatures and falling snow.

So, today Eric and I took Sam and Kristen ice skating.

Ya know, it was really.....um..... interesting.....Sam called it "skiing" even when we were on the ice skating around the perimeter of the rink. Kristen was having a fun time until she fell for the 50th time on the same spot on her rear end. She became soooo angry and pissed off! She was flailing, waving her arms and cutting people off while she cried out of frustration, struggling to get to the bench to rip her skates off. Eric and I haven't skated since that one time we went last year so we sucked too. In fact, Eric was skating with an achilles tendon injury from hitting the gym so much. Me? I just struggled to keep my skates from falling inward. My legs were shaking and I was trying to hold up the kids AND myself....and we did this for an entire hour. When we got our skates off it felt like days had passed since we hit the rink! We gathered up our stuff and got to the car while Kristen bitched about being hot and having a headache and Sam cried about his toes hurting. When we got back home and the kids were drinking a cup of hot chocolate Kristen said to me,

"I did a great job skating! I even did it all by myself!! Can we go again tomorrow?"

Oh. My. God.

Haircuts.

Sam and Krissy got haircuts today!

I'm LOSING it.....

That's right! I'm LOSING it....so far, 6 lbs. And Eric's down 3 lbs this week. Yaaay for us!! Nine pounds between the two of us- that's a newborn baby Emma!

I am continuing to treat eating as an addiction...this means no little tastes, no cheats, no exceptions. And you know what? I don't miss that crap at all anymore. I'm not quite ready to sit in a room filled with birthday cakes, but I'm doing ok....

Eric is hitting the gym with a vengeance and continuing to count his points. I am finding yoga and meditation has helped me with any thoughts or cravings. I also find that getting on the Wii Fit keeps me on track because it weighs me and measures my body fat. Ugh. But it also helps me set reasonable weight loss goals!

I can't believe how much STRESS plays a factor in eating and weight gain! Whenever I start to feel the urge to stress-eat I deep breathe or chew a piece of gum and the urges pass.....I feel very peaceful about this new way of eating and living and I know I can keep it up. I have the support of my wonderful family and my amazing husband. What more could a girl ask for?

The worst thing a teenager could admit to his peers is that he has parents. Did you ever notice that at a certain age teens start to pull away from their parents like they have leprosy? Well, Brandon has become one of those teens. So when I found out that he's been skipping classes again it was a natural decision for me to walk him to class and embarrass him. He was MAD when I told him I'd be driving him to school this morning. He was adamant that he would not be going to classes if I came into the school. He felt sick to his stomach on the way to school. But I didn't care. I told him,

"You've lost your way and I'm going to help you find your way back. Sometimes when you come from a place of love, it means doing tough things. I love you so much that I'm willing to do them."

I think he partially accepted that, but he didn't like it! So, we got to his class just after the bell and the teacher was already conducting a lesson. He looked at me standing in the door and I said, "I'm helping Brandon get to his class this morning." The teacher got a big smile on his face and I looked at the sea of faces in the classroom and they all had their mouths hanging open (like most teens do, but they actually looked a little shocked). Then I told the teacher that I was aware that Brandon skipped his class yesterday, but it was not parent-approved and to give him whatever punishment is necessary. I left that school today feeling as though I had dealt with a problem, not just floated through the problem. Believe me- I'm no fool. I know that problems are creeping up just as fast as I deal with them but the point is that I didn't feel helpless today. I felt as though I did something that may help Brandon think twice about skipping in the future. But it doesn't stop there!! I've also told Brandon that I'm going to talk to his music teacher about kicking him out of his beloved band if he skips any more classes. Anyone who knows Brandon, knows that MUSIC IS HIS CURRENCY.

Eric and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that Brandon is unlike anyone we've ever known. He's an individual in a world of teenaged clones and that makes life tough for him. But we will always love this kid and his idiosyncrisies even when he makes loving him so TOUGH. Deep down inside he knows that he's loved so much and that is going to help him find his way. I just know it.

Speaking of Challenging Times......

It was -27 degrees Celcius here this morning.

I watched Cindy take her poo-poo on 2 feet this morning 'cause her paws were frozen and Jewel just plain couldn't walk any further and I had to carry her 20 feet to get in the house.

Challenging Times (and I'm not talking about the economy, folks)

In most families there is challenge...when a number of people live together and interact EVERY SINGLE DAY, there's bound to be challenging times. Ours is, and has always been, Brandon. I'm sure some people might think, "God! Leave that kid alone and let him live his life...nobody is THAT much work!" But the truth is that having a relationship with Brandon is THAT much work. He is an enigma wrapped in a riddle. He is beligerent, lazy, self-absorbed and a bit (a lot, actually) of a liar. He is also sensitive, caring and a good friend. Oh, that's right!! I DO see the good stuff too....but lately I'm having a hard time seeing the good stuff because of all the other crap.

Every time I interact with Brandon it feels like I'm swimming in a river with a really fast current and I'm soooo close to drowning but I never do! Instead I just keep swimming and swimming and all I feel is exhaustion.

Nobody has ever been able to "figure" this kid out.....no teacher, no Child Youth Worker, no therapist, nobody. I think that Eric and I know the most about Brandon and we're absolutely lost. LOST. And the worst part is that I think Brandon is on to us. You know when we were kids and we got into trouble, it just seemed like our parents knew what to say and do? That's not Eric and I with Brandon. Lately, Eric has been so patient and all I feel is rage. I'm so SICK of this person forcing me to deal with his problems....I am sick of him giving nothing and expecting so much in return. I am sick of feeling unsure about what to do, how to handle the daily issues. I am..............drowning.............

I've never seen a kid so determined to sabotage his family, his safe place. I've never had such a hard time coming from a place of love. I've never had a more difficult time figuring out what positive experience I am supposed to take away from raising this kid.

My friend Kristy told me to try taking the emotion out of the experiences that I have with Brandon and it may be easier to deal with him. I've really tried to do that and it does work, but at some point those emotions have to be released- and I think that's what has just happened.

Hate to say, "I TOLD you so!"......but I'll say it anyway.

Yup. Not long at all until a little drama came back into our lives via Brandon. Yes, Brandon never fails to deliver the drama in our little lives. And he doesn't even realize that he's doing it! Because tonight Brandon is at his friend Alex's house and I am stewing mad over the fact that Emma told me that a girl at school told her that she saw Brandon smoking outside Coffee Time near the school today with "like, dirty 19 year-olds". Whew! I am BESIDE myself....on one hand; I can't tell Brandon what to do with his body (he's almost 15) On the other hand; I am sooooo wanting to punish that little sucker for doing harm to his body. Not to mention the fact that he swore to me/promised me that he didn't smoke anymore.

I have showed him the pictures in my medical dictionary of lung cancer, mouth cancer (really gross) and even penile cancer (THAT should have hit home!) I have talked to him about why/when/with whom he smokes and how he can avoid it in the future. But apparently, he's swayed very heavily by peer pressure and who knows? Maybe he's addicted to nicotine now....that would really, really suck.

Some parents might say, RELAX!! IT'S ONLY ANOTHER TEENAGED BOY CAUGHT SMOKING! Others might say, AT LEAST HE'S NOT ADDICTED TO CRYSTAL METH! And then there's the parents out there who have lost their kids who would kill to have the chance to intervene on such a situation.... In the back of my mind, I know that I'm over-reacting emotionally. So I try to think about what my dad would do about this situation.....

And after careful consideration, I have decided to go to the school at 9:10am and 12pm every day until I catch that little f**ker red-handed.