Worldless Wednesday.......

Blogger Hell....

Man! I guess I'm going to blogger hell for not posting enough these days....between a family, a new job and a pregnant bulldog, I guess I just haven't been posting like I used to.

The job is going well. I have 4 more shifts of orientation. That means 48 hrs and then I'm on my own. SCARY. I really enjoy the work....I mean, it's a job made for me. It just sucks that I have to spend sooooo much time on paperwork. Paperwork that I'm not used to.....blood tests that I'm not familiar with, community resources that I didn't know existed and soooo much teaching. But I am enjoying myself and I haven't even made it into the OR yet. Apparently, the other nurses on the floor are not jumping with joy to hear that I'm coming into the Operating Room. Apparently, they enjoy scrubbing into the C-Sections because it gives them a "break" from the regular floor routine. Apparently, I am the only nurse on a floor of about 100 nurses that is actually qualified to work the OR. Scary thought, considering I've only done 6 weeks in the main Operating Room Suites.....anyhow, I have a bit of a challenge ahead. That really sucks, because just going back to work after so many years and nursing is challenge enough!

The kids and Eric are adjusting magnificently to me going back to work. My husband is an enigma.....masculine at the core, yet so nuturing. The kids are having a great time with him and they are LOVING the time they spend alone. Emma is pretty much on her own schedule and Brandon is at his dad's, so it has been a huge adjustment-period for all of us. I went grocery shopping the other day and instead of the usual $230, it only cost me $120! It was wonderful!! Not to mention that the noise level has reduced significantly and the taxi services are dwindling...I miss Brandon like crazy, but I'm kinda getting used to this.

Kristen's 7th birthday is on Thursday and here's what she wants, " an iPod, a Blackberry or a boyfriend". Holy F'n speechless!! What does a parent say to that? Yesterday, I had to change the channel on the tv because I caught her watching MTV's Cribs....I'm not sure how this child's youth is going to play out, but I am determined to see her retain her innocence for as looooong as possible. Even as she fights me every step of the way.

We still aren't 100% sure about whether Jewel is pregnant or not because there's no test for dogs....but judging by the way her teats are hanging down, we are willing to bet some money on the positive. We are planning our holidays around her caesarean section during the second week of August, so we are kinda certain. We have decided to keep one of her female pups as our own! Long live the Bulldog breed!! This is the greatest dog we have ever owned and she has convinced us that the breed is second to none for a family. So- we hope she has a female puppy in her belly!!

Eric has just purchased another car and that puts us at 5 cars in a family with 2 drivers. No comment. The way I see it? At least he's collecting cars and not women.

Wordless Wednesday.

There's no "Secret"

Wow. I am doing ok! I thought I would be much more overwhelmed by getting back into nursing, but so far so good. I still think/know that the hours are going to suck after awhile...but I'm going to stay positive about it. It's "The Secret" to success. I've never actually read the book "The Secret", but it's a concept that I have applied to my life since I was left on my own with no money, no job and 2 kids to feed. If you visualize yourself being successful you will be. It's THAT simple. Your vision creates a life path for you and it takes you to the place you want to be. I'm not trying to sound all New-Agey or anything like that, but it DOES work!! I don't call goal-setting or working your ass off for what you really want a secret. It is just a way to set yourself up for success.

I'm hoping that Brandon will visualize himself passing his summer school courses.

I'm still having a hard time with that whole "situation". I have many days in a row where I can talk myself into accepting the fact that he doesn't live here anymore and isn't an active member of this family. And then, out of the blue, I will walk past his room and it hits me....then Eric will swoop in and comfort me and make me feel a bit better. I have to admit that I am not missing the constant drama and fighting, although I think that all of that becomes a "norm" and when it suddenly disappears everyone affected has to adjust to the deafening quiet. That includes Sam and Kristen who are just now getting used having the bulk of our attention. Emma would like to have everyone's attention, all the time, but she spends so much time with her boyfriend now that even she realizes it's not possible.

Well, I now need to study so I can start IV's and collect bloodwork. I know that I will be successful because I WANT to be. Sometimes I fantasize that you could wish that hard for someone else to focus their attention on what they want when they don't have the strength to do so. But I guess I'm (finally!) realizing that you have to let people travel their own paths. Even asshole teenagers.

Love Unlimited.

Tonight I am feeling VERY proud of myself. It occurs to me that on Monday I officially start my new job and Goddammit, I'm proud of myself for getting that job! I knew that it was mine from the minute I saw the job listing online. It basically had my name written all over it so it was easy for me to keep my focus. I am proud to call myself a nurse, proud to be working at a great hospital and proud to have followed my calling in the "birth world" without actually having any more kids myself!!

But at the same time, I'm scared shitless.

What if this job isn't everything I have imagined it will be? What if I hate it? What if I try and fail?!!? When I went back to school I had no choice but to succeed. I took a leap of faith by becoming an Operating Room nurse and it worked out for me but what if I can't handle the stress of working weekends/nights/with all those hormones?? Whenever I have these thoughts I try to think about the one person who believes in me ALL THE TIME. He totally believes that I will be amazing, just as he never doubted for a minute that I could go back to school and be successful. Just as he never for a second doubted that I would get my dream job. My Eric is the one person who tells me I can do something before my brain figures it out because he sees me as a strong, succulent, smart woman.

So, while I am suffering my pre-job jitters I will stabilize my urge to freak out by trying to see myself through his eyes. Because not only does he see me as a happy, fulfilled, successful birth centre nurse he also sees me as a woman with a great perky set of breasts! I'll take it:)

My Little Sponge.

It's not easy, having a brainiac for a kid. I'm no dull penny, but my 6 year-old can blurt out facts and retain information better than I retain water! She has a wealth of information in her little brain about things like, electric eels and hammerhead whales. I didn't even know these existed! It tickles Eric to no end because he calls himself the "Cliff Clavin" (from Cheers) of useless information. I'm sure that's where Kristen gets her sponge-like brain from! But, in addition to filing information like an encyclopedia she can put together information to form a certain amount of deductive reasoning. It's a little bit scary, actually, because most kids her age are playing with dolls or Webkins while she's interested in finding all the information she can about her Webkins. For instance, she doesn't just have a cute brown and white dog Webkins....she has a Cocker Spaniel Webkins...

Eric started to express some Santa concerns last year. He knows that she is not going to be fooled for long. I would like her to just keep pretending until she's, like, 10 so I can keep having fun. As my consolation, there's always Sam. Sweet, clueless Sam.....I'm sure he'll never question anything until he's well into his teens! And as long as Kristen doesn't corrupt him, we may keep the spirit of Christmas alive for years to come....

Having a kid like this is a blessing and a curse; she's been reading since preschool, but now, at 6 years old, she has progressed to reading chapter books like Goosebumps. And if Emma leaves a copy of Cosmopolitan around (Ack!!) Kristen can learn "20 New Positions to Make Him Beg for More".....Good GOD, that's the challenge of having young and older kids at the same time!!

We talk about different schooling options for her because she is advanced right now...but she'll probably even out in the next year or so and be on par with her peers.

Well, she may have more "experience" from those Cosmo magazines, but hopefully she will forget it all in favour of retaining some useless information about plankton or algae or something.

Parents are great, aren't they?

Aren't parents wonderful? At my age, I find myself needing my parents more than I ever imagined. I guess the needs are different than they used to be; I don't need them to spot me $50 or buy me groceries.....but, they help me in situations I could have never foreseen. Situations like, when my husband goes to Ireland for 3 weeks out of a month while I'm in school! I couldn't have even considered doing it without my mom. Yesterday, we found ourselves with a broken down housetrailer and there was my dad with his welding supplies to fix it!! I guess it's not just the fact that parents help us, it's the fact that we can ask them for help still, at age 38, that amazes me. And it also scares the hell out of me too!

When my kids are 38 and they need my help, how will I know what to do?? I'm still turning to my mommy and daddy!! How will Eric and I ever become parents who just seem to know everything and what to do in any situation?!!? It's frightening to think that our kids will come to us as ADULT children and ask us questions about things that we are unsure of now. I guess our only hope is that we will gain enough life-experience between now and then to help them out.

If not, they can always go and ask my mom and dad.