Raising a family is tough shit work.

I am struggling here, folks.

I'm struggling with kids, work, dogs, marriage, kids, kids, kids........I'm sure it's the same bullshit most other families are dealing with, but right now it seems like it's all about me! I'm tapped out, babies!!!! The noise that Sam and Kristen make during their waking hours would make most people's ears bleed. It's unbelievable and it's my reality at the same time. Sam, as the youngest, refuses to grow up at all. Kristen, one of the middles, refuses to accept that she's NOT a parent. Brandon, another middle, won't call home. And Emma, the oldest, seems to be breaking under the pressure of being the firstborn a little bit. You know how it is with these kids- she comes home in time to make curfew because she's a "good girl" but then she pukes in the toilet from too much fun. I am just living the FREAKIN' DREAM here people!!

A couple of weeks ago, when I realized that I could also be an active participant in my own life, I decided to send a resume to my local hospital for a position in their operating room. Now I have a job interview! It's wonderful and it's scary all at the same time....I do love my job in the Childbirth Centre and I would love to stay on in some capacity, but I did just spend 7 precious months of my time becoming an operating room nurse. And I'm pretty sure that they have waaaay better hours than the 12 hour night shifts I've been pulling for the last 4 months! Don't get me wrong- I really enjoy my job and I hope to stay on in some capacity (maybe casual?). But I have to think about myself as a mid-life aged nurse and I'm not sure that working 40 minutes from home working nights is a long-long-term plan. The only problem is that I LOVE the babies.

Anyhow, career crisis and kid clusterf**ks aside, I am looking for a little breathing room. Eric is awesome (as always) but we struggle to find time alone. The kids are eating us alive and we swore it would never happen! But, somehow, it just started happening and now we are having a hard time stopping it. Suddenly, we are trapped on this treadmill of appointments, extracurricular activities (not our own!), and responsibility...Ewww!

Raising a family is tough shit work. And I'm not a weak person....but I'm feeling a little worn out.

Love Unlimited.

Tonight I am feeling VERY proud of myself. It occurs to me that on Monday I officially start my new job and Goddammit, I'm proud of myself for getting that job! I knew that it was mine from the minute I saw the job listing online. It basically had my name written all over it so it was easy for me to keep my focus. I am proud to call myself a nurse, proud to be working at a great hospital and proud to have followed my calling in the "birth world" without actually having any more kids myself!!

But at the same time, I'm scared shitless.

What if this job isn't everything I have imagined it will be? What if I hate it? What if I try and fail?!!? When I went back to school I had no choice but to succeed. I took a leap of faith by becoming an Operating Room nurse and it worked out for me but what if I can't handle the stress of working weekends/nights/with all those hormones?? Whenever I have these thoughts I try to think about the one person who believes in me ALL THE TIME. He totally believes that I will be amazing, just as he never doubted for a minute that I could go back to school and be successful. Just as he never for a second doubted that I would get my dream job. My Eric is the one person who tells me I can do something before my brain figures it out because he sees me as a strong, succulent, smart woman.

So, while I am suffering my pre-job jitters I will stabilize my urge to freak out by trying to see myself through his eyes. Because not only does he see me as a happy, fulfilled, successful birth centre nurse he also sees me as a woman with a great perky set of breasts! I'll take it:)

Forgive me.....

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned.....it's been, well, um....a looooong time since my last post. It's not that I haven't thought about it! It's just been busy. I hate to admit it, but I have been too busy to sit and puke my thoughts out to everyone in cyberspace. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've been too busy to put my thoughts into words?? Anyhow, I'm here now and I'm going to try to keep it simple......

Kids are now finished school and my summer glow has officially dulled. Kidding!! I'm happy to have some time to spend with them, but for the first few weeks of July I'm going to be busy WORKING! I'm sad that our annual vacay to Cape Breton is cancelled, but happy to have a job. I'm sure I won't start really complaining about my job until at least September...

Brandon is back at Steve's house after writing his exams. It seems as though he's failed math and science, so he'll have a nice summer of school. We are seriously trying to adjust to this new living arrangement, but it's hard for a control freak like me. I actually have to keep my mouth shut! It's a new concept and it's killing me!! I'm sure that this will all play out in it's own time and whatever happens will happen. I'm not quite as weepy as I was last week, but it's still very tough.

Jewel has been home from the breeder's for 2 weeks and we still don't know if she's preggers. What we do know? She's got an infection....a vaginal infection. Our vet says it's a "raging infection!" but he didn't put her on anything. He just took cultures to see what it is. So I called our breeder who, in turn, called his vet (who specializes in Bulldogs) who said, "Sounds like vulvitis. Unless it becomes epic, she's fine." So, we wait. And we wonder- "is she pregnant or isn't she???" The breeder thinks she is, due to her lethargy. I'm just waiting 42 days until she can have an x-ray to prove it. It has been a very interesting process, and one that is very painful for an impatient woman like me.

So, the last update is regarding Emma. I think she still lives here, but she's NEVER here. She is ALWAYS at her boyfriend's house because his mom is a gourmet cook. She did get a job in the mall at Aeropostale, however, that she is loving. So, I'm not going to bitch about her....it is just very weird to have a family that went from 6 to what feels like 4. I actually feel a bit of the Empty Nest Syndrome and I don't like it! I have lots to keep me busy, so why am I feeling like this??? Maybe it's time to go back to school......

I kid! I kid!!

Life is Good.

It's been a great week. On Tuesday, on my way home from the hospital, I got a phone call- I got the job!! The job that I completely "went for", the job that I switched placements at the last minute for.....the one that is made for me! The job that encompasses every skill that I possess.....

The job that I hope I love.

I also finished school today. So that makes my week even BETTER. I am done working for free. I am done with taking everyone's "advice" about how to fold towels or load a suture.

I AM DONE.

Now, I have a few weeks off before I get back on the working train. I plan on taking the time to relax (and NOT do homework or excessive reading about sterility), organize my closet (again), and start running again. I have been very negligent with my running for the last 5 weeks and I feel horrible.....so lazy and weak! I gave myself a "hall pass" when it came to running while I was working fulltime in the hospital. Getting up at 5:30 am to drag my ass to work wasn't conducive to running or any workout routine, for that matter! I know that sounds like an excuse, but running just wasn't as big of a priority for me as sleeping! So for the next 3 weeks- I will be running and weight lifting!!

On another note, I sent my mom home today... she has been an absolute God-send. Even with pneumonia! She came, she stayed, she babysat, she even did some gardening! The woman is an enigma! And when I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye she said, "I am so proud of you for doing it, Joanne." It made me want to cry! At 38 years old, my momma made me feel like crying for being proud of me!! It was worth the blood, sweat and tears just to make make my parents proud.

Any-hoo-hah, it's time for me to start my decompression. Deep breathing, red wine and some Indian food for a little celebratory dinner.....can't get much better than that, can it? Oh yeah! PLUS- my super hot husband!

Life is good.

Back to the 1950's

I know that I wrote yesterday about how fast time flies when you're raising a family....and it really is amazing. But today I'm reflecting on how much my family takes me for granted... I know, I know- it's nothing that I haven't "mentioned" before. But some days it just seems so much more glaringly obvious. It's no secret that things have become very 1950's since last August...I've been home taking care of the cooking, cleaning and kids and in a lot of ways I feel very fortunate! I've had the opportunity to become intimate with Brandon's teachers and principal, I've spent more time in my minivan than I ever imagined possible, I've learned the valuable lesson of being places at specified times as directed by Emma, and I've been afforded the time to go to Kristen's school every week to retrieve her snowpants, hats and mitts! Yup, I've been lucky.....and I am really ready to go my own way a bit. I'm excited to think that in a few months I'll be working, contributing financially to my family and contributing mentally to myself. I really do give credit to anyone who is willing and able to put everything aside for their family because it's a tough job.....but it's a job that I just cannot see myself doing 24/7, long-term. I love them, but I love myself too and sometimes, just sometimes, I need to come first.