The Quest for Balance.

Well it finally happened. I finally went back to work this weekend and it was beautiful and horrifying at the same time. I was so happy to be back but shit! It was busy and we were understaffed. It had been 6 months since I had worked there, and things had changed! New paging system, new policies, new documents to complete and things were moved around. I struggled on Saturday but on Sunday I was hitting my groove again and it felt, well, like home really...today I feel more "balanced" than I have in a looooong time. You can't buy balance and you can't wish it...you have to create it. I finally feel that (as a wife and mother of 4 kids) I can have a career that excites me and interests me. Right now I'm only working part-time, but I know that when the kids are a little older that will change. And I am looking forward to that day!!

Another great part about working this weekend was that I didn't have to put my "Random Comment Generator" on autopilot to spend time with Sam. I love, LOVE Sam. He is a very sweet, busy, fashion-conscious boy. But I get so tired of his constant need to converse. It is exhausting. I realize that this is a stage and in 15 years I'll be wishing for this time back blah, blah, blah. I have four kids, ok? By the time the fourth kid hits the less desirable stages (non-stop questions, peeing the bed, sniffing their fingers all the time) I am a little tired. Don't get me wrong here- I am very laid back and calm. But I know from experience that the only way to escape the "shitty stages" of my kids' lives is to actually escape. A lot of parents look for solutions to these stages by scouring the internet or reading "kid help books" but I have learned that these times are to be endured, not solved.

Brandon came home for a visit this weekend and, unfortunately, I didn't get to see him much. I'm okay with it, though, because I am not the only person in this family who needs to have a relationship with Brandon. So, (thank all that is holy for Eric) the fam-jam spent some time together without momma-bear. They had a fabulous, stress-free time thanks to that man-angel husband of mine. He drove the 5-hour 'round trip twice this weekend just so we could be a complete family again. I know that it was a great visit because Brandon is begging to move back home now. I told him he needs to finish his school year and then we'll talk. After all, we all know Brandon changes his mind faster than I can change a diaper, and that's pretty damn fast. The truth of the matter is that I have made a pretty sweet scrapbooking room out of his old bedroom. Around here we call it "The Happiest Place on Earth", and I'm not so sure that I'm willing to give it up! Does that make me selfish??

We all need to find a way to fit the "wants" and "needs" into our lives, that's what balance is all about, right? I just hope that Sam will find balance between talking and silence soon.

There's no "Secret"

Wow. I am doing ok! I thought I would be much more overwhelmed by getting back into nursing, but so far so good. I still think/know that the hours are going to suck after awhile...but I'm going to stay positive about it. It's "The Secret" to success. I've never actually read the book "The Secret", but it's a concept that I have applied to my life since I was left on my own with no money, no job and 2 kids to feed. If you visualize yourself being successful you will be. It's THAT simple. Your vision creates a life path for you and it takes you to the place you want to be. I'm not trying to sound all New-Agey or anything like that, but it DOES work!! I don't call goal-setting or working your ass off for what you really want a secret. It is just a way to set yourself up for success.

I'm hoping that Brandon will visualize himself passing his summer school courses.

I'm still having a hard time with that whole "situation". I have many days in a row where I can talk myself into accepting the fact that he doesn't live here anymore and isn't an active member of this family. And then, out of the blue, I will walk past his room and it hits me....then Eric will swoop in and comfort me and make me feel a bit better. I have to admit that I am not missing the constant drama and fighting, although I think that all of that becomes a "norm" and when it suddenly disappears everyone affected has to adjust to the deafening quiet. That includes Sam and Kristen who are just now getting used having the bulk of our attention. Emma would like to have everyone's attention, all the time, but she spends so much time with her boyfriend now that even she realizes it's not possible.

Well, I now need to study so I can start IV's and collect bloodwork. I know that I will be successful because I WANT to be. Sometimes I fantasize that you could wish that hard for someone else to focus their attention on what they want when they don't have the strength to do so. But I guess I'm (finally!) realizing that you have to let people travel their own paths. Even asshole teenagers.

Love Unlimited.

Tonight I am feeling VERY proud of myself. It occurs to me that on Monday I officially start my new job and Goddammit, I'm proud of myself for getting that job! I knew that it was mine from the minute I saw the job listing online. It basically had my name written all over it so it was easy for me to keep my focus. I am proud to call myself a nurse, proud to be working at a great hospital and proud to have followed my calling in the "birth world" without actually having any more kids myself!!

But at the same time, I'm scared shitless.

What if this job isn't everything I have imagined it will be? What if I hate it? What if I try and fail?!!? When I went back to school I had no choice but to succeed. I took a leap of faith by becoming an Operating Room nurse and it worked out for me but what if I can't handle the stress of working weekends/nights/with all those hormones?? Whenever I have these thoughts I try to think about the one person who believes in me ALL THE TIME. He totally believes that I will be amazing, just as he never doubted for a minute that I could go back to school and be successful. Just as he never for a second doubted that I would get my dream job. My Eric is the one person who tells me I can do something before my brain figures it out because he sees me as a strong, succulent, smart woman.

So, while I am suffering my pre-job jitters I will stabilize my urge to freak out by trying to see myself through his eyes. Because not only does he see me as a happy, fulfilled, successful birth centre nurse he also sees me as a woman with a great perky set of breasts! I'll take it:)

There's a job for everyone.

You know, I have always been accused of being "scattered". It seems that I'm not happy unless I have at least 10 different things going on at a time, all unfinished. Even though Eric stays quiet about it (most of the time) I know that it's one of those personality traits that irriatates him because he doesn't "get" it....after all, he's very process-driven; and likes to focus his attention on one thing at a time so it gets done properly. And to be honest, sometimes I irritate myself. I have so many interests and I'm afraid that I'm going to die and never have had a chance to try the things I love at the time (for example, Scrapbooking- I love it and I have everything I need to do it, but I have no TIME) My career choices have been interesting to say the least. That's one of the things I have always loved about nursing- you can try so many different things and, essentially, change your career path without ever really changing your career.

So, since I became a nurse I have gone in some different directions. My burning interest in childbirth inspired me to become a doula. But the truth is, I've never felt a particular kinship with the doula community....I do feel that making choices in birth will affect the rest of a woman's life, but I'm not a fan of the idea of eating raw placenta as a means to avoid postpartum depression. I just am not there. Also, there seems to be an underlying disrespect that doulas have for nurses and I just couldn't walk that line. So, I started to focus on breastfeeding and the joy I felt at helping women nourish their babies. As a breastfeeding mom I know the joy and the anguish that breastfeeding can bring and I was keen to learn everything I could to help other women. So, I went back to college and took 2 breastfeeding courses for nurses- Basics of Breastfeeding and Advanced Breastfeeding. I have always wanted to gain the hours of practice needed to become a Lactation Consultant, but that's about 2200 hours! It's a goal that I still have even now......now that I'm taking the Operating Room course.

So, here I am, unemployed and back in school. Trying to figure out how all of this education and these diverse interests fit in to my career plan. I mean,a nurse, a doula with breastfeeding courses and an OR certification and a surgical background?? Where the hell is MY place in the healthcare system?!!? How does it all fit together??

Today I found out.

A hospital that's about 20 minutes away is looking to hire a nurse with birth experience, breastfeeding courses and an OR Certification to work in their Birth Centre. Say What?!!? It's a job made for me!! And even though I'm not yet done school (6 weeks and I'll be certified!!) I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that hospital knows about me. But first, I need to make a resume......hmmmm.....who knew that would be the hardest part?