The Quest for Balance.

Well it finally happened. I finally went back to work this weekend and it was beautiful and horrifying at the same time. I was so happy to be back but shit! It was busy and we were understaffed. It had been 6 months since I had worked there, and things had changed! New paging system, new policies, new documents to complete and things were moved around. I struggled on Saturday but on Sunday I was hitting my groove again and it felt, well, like home really...today I feel more "balanced" than I have in a looooong time. You can't buy balance and you can't wish it...you have to create it. I finally feel that (as a wife and mother of 4 kids) I can have a career that excites me and interests me. Right now I'm only working part-time, but I know that when the kids are a little older that will change. And I am looking forward to that day!!

Another great part about working this weekend was that I didn't have to put my "Random Comment Generator" on autopilot to spend time with Sam. I love, LOVE Sam. He is a very sweet, busy, fashion-conscious boy. But I get so tired of his constant need to converse. It is exhausting. I realize that this is a stage and in 15 years I'll be wishing for this time back blah, blah, blah. I have four kids, ok? By the time the fourth kid hits the less desirable stages (non-stop questions, peeing the bed, sniffing their fingers all the time) I am a little tired. Don't get me wrong here- I am very laid back and calm. But I know from experience that the only way to escape the "shitty stages" of my kids' lives is to actually escape. A lot of parents look for solutions to these stages by scouring the internet or reading "kid help books" but I have learned that these times are to be endured, not solved.

Brandon came home for a visit this weekend and, unfortunately, I didn't get to see him much. I'm okay with it, though, because I am not the only person in this family who needs to have a relationship with Brandon. So, (thank all that is holy for Eric) the fam-jam spent some time together without momma-bear. They had a fabulous, stress-free time thanks to that man-angel husband of mine. He drove the 5-hour 'round trip twice this weekend just so we could be a complete family again. I know that it was a great visit because Brandon is begging to move back home now. I told him he needs to finish his school year and then we'll talk. After all, we all know Brandon changes his mind faster than I can change a diaper, and that's pretty damn fast. The truth of the matter is that I have made a pretty sweet scrapbooking room out of his old bedroom. Around here we call it "The Happiest Place on Earth", and I'm not so sure that I'm willing to give it up! Does that make me selfish??

We all need to find a way to fit the "wants" and "needs" into our lives, that's what balance is all about, right? I just hope that Sam will find balance between talking and silence soon.

That Little Voice!

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything in your busy little life seems to stand still and you realize that you are actually playing a large part in what happens to you? That you are not a victim, but more of a....um....driver?

I had one of those moments today. I was cleaning carpets, washing windows, nursing a sick teenager and (sigh) playing referee to the dogs. I ate a plate of nachos with cheese while I sat on my fat ass and watched the View. I also felt the pain in my knee from running yesterday.

In my one little moment, I realized that my life is exactly how I want it to be. If it wasn't, then I would do things differently, right? For example, I want to keep a clean house and I love being a mom (most of the time) so I try hard in my quest to be good at those things. I ate nachos and watched the View because they are both slightly rebellious (hey, some things about me may never change). My knee hurts because I don't get out to run enough to be able to eat nachos without adding stress to my joints. The dogs, well, we all know that the dogs both arrived at moments of boredom in my life. Really, all I can say about that is Thank GOD for Tubal Ligation.

In my small moment today I found clarity. My subconscious self was screaming at me. SCREAMING!

"Your little life is a big eff'n deal. People are counting on you, children are watching you to see how you will react to adversity. Their future families are being developed long before you will be be done raising them."

This is a huge freaking revelation! To think that the way I clean, what I eat, how I exercise, how much I yell at those fricken' dogs is, essentially, determining the quality of life of my future grandchildren?? My GOD! This is huge...this is massive!! And then I heard it. A little, teeny-tiny voice. It was my subconscious' subconscious. And you know what it was saying???

"You need to get back to your career, loser."

Seriously.