Jewel, My Diamond in the Ruff

Nothing in life is certain. Teenagers may decide to not come home, kids may decide to not behave in public and bulldogs may decide to absorb their babies....WAIT!! WTF?? Absorb their babies?!!? Yup. Apparently, our beloved Jewel could get too hot and decide to absorb her puppies. Just like that! No "morning after pill" or pesky appointments in the Operating Room, just simply absorb. So, we wait. We keep her cool, feed her lots of great fresh raw foods and we wait. And wait.

It's been 2 weeks since we got her back and almost 3 weeks since her first insemination. She puked a couple of times in the first week and was LETHARGIC until yesterday. I mean, lethargic, even for a bulldog! Now, it would seem as though her infection is clearing itself up. I measured her tummy yesterday and it's 1 inch wider than last week, so we are really hoping that this is it!! I'm feeling like a new mom all over again as I watch her nipples get darker! But I don't want to get my hopes up too high just in case. I mean, we've never had a pregnant bulldog before and her expanding girth could be from the increase in raw food, right? So, we wait. And we wonder. And we love her whether she's got a belly full of bullies or not....

Waiting for the pool to go up yesterday (It's still not up today)

Forgive me.....

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned.....it's been, well, um....a looooong time since my last post. It's not that I haven't thought about it! It's just been busy. I hate to admit it, but I have been too busy to sit and puke my thoughts out to everyone in cyberspace. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've been too busy to put my thoughts into words?? Anyhow, I'm here now and I'm going to try to keep it simple......

Kids are now finished school and my summer glow has officially dulled. Kidding!! I'm happy to have some time to spend with them, but for the first few weeks of July I'm going to be busy WORKING! I'm sad that our annual vacay to Cape Breton is cancelled, but happy to have a job. I'm sure I won't start really complaining about my job until at least September...

Brandon is back at Steve's house after writing his exams. It seems as though he's failed math and science, so he'll have a nice summer of school. We are seriously trying to adjust to this new living arrangement, but it's hard for a control freak like me. I actually have to keep my mouth shut! It's a new concept and it's killing me!! I'm sure that this will all play out in it's own time and whatever happens will happen. I'm not quite as weepy as I was last week, but it's still very tough.

Jewel has been home from the breeder's for 2 weeks and we still don't know if she's preggers. What we do know? She's got an infection....a vaginal infection. Our vet says it's a "raging infection!" but he didn't put her on anything. He just took cultures to see what it is. So I called our breeder who, in turn, called his vet (who specializes in Bulldogs) who said, "Sounds like vulvitis. Unless it becomes epic, she's fine." So, we wait. And we wonder- "is she pregnant or isn't she???" The breeder thinks she is, due to her lethargy. I'm just waiting 42 days until she can have an x-ray to prove it. It has been a very interesting process, and one that is very painful for an impatient woman like me.

So, the last update is regarding Emma. I think she still lives here, but she's NEVER here. She is ALWAYS at her boyfriend's house because his mom is a gourmet cook. She did get a job in the mall at Aeropostale, however, that she is loving. So, I'm not going to bitch about her....it is just very weird to have a family that went from 6 to what feels like 4. I actually feel a bit of the Empty Nest Syndrome and I don't like it! I have lots to keep me busy, so why am I feeling like this??? Maybe it's time to go back to school......

I kid! I kid!!

Blah.

Well, it turns out that old habits die hard. Brandon has been home for 31 hours and out of that, he has spent about 6 with his family. He went and wrote his exam today and then came home briefly, and he's been out at his friends' house since then. I am NOT taking this personally, I AM NOT. Well, maybe just a little personally.....just a tiny bit....

What's wrong with us?? Why can't he stand to be around us??? We cook for him, clean up after him, talk to him and listen to him. What am I doing wrong?

I guess this visit has been good because it just makes me realize that I did the right thing by sending him to his father's house. As my dad puts it, "He went from being a middle child in your house to being an only child at his dad's house." And that, my friends, is a kid that needs to be the centre of attention all the time.

So, I have decided to attribute his disinterest in us as two things: 1) he's a teenager and 2) he's a teenager. AND- I'm cutting myself a little slack because I am only human...and raising teenagers is a task that requires superhuman powers.

Unsolved Puzzle

I wish I knew how to feel whole again. Ever since Brandon moved out, I can't help but feel like something big is missing....and it is! A mother should never have to feel like this. It's the strangest thing- I know he's not dead. I realize that he's just living somewhere else and I know deep down that it's been really healthy for our family to have the constant stress gone. But it hurts so badly to know that as his mother, I couldn't fix his problems or make him better. It seems so unfair that after all the pain and suffering we've endured as parents to this kid, that we couldn't "see it through" as far as his issues are concerned. To put it simply, it seems as though we ran a marathon for the last 10 years and didn't get to finish. That just sucks.

I'm picking up Brandon for a visit tomorrow. He's staying for 5 days. I can't wait to see him, and I'm dreading the stress at the same time. We are bracing ourselves, I have been preparing the kids for his arrival and they are not impressed. We'll see how it goes......I'm sure I'll be blogging about it in the days to come......

Sam and I.

I'm spending the day with my little man, Sam. We bought him some new shoes (his toes were through his old ones!), I made him his favorite lunch (Kraft dinner with weenies!) and we've been outside all day. He is happy to have me home:)

A little pissed-off with a chance of happiness...

I have 3 weeks off before I start my new job and I'm a little pissed. I would have loved to do some camping before I start to work weekends again, but our trailer has been leaking water for a year and we just realized it. That's right, an entire year. A year of water damage, a year of water leaking into the trailer and rotting out the floor.....so now we are repairing it! Well, Eric is repairing it. I took the kids for a bike ride on the Georgian Trail while Eric scraped, taped and filled the leak! It seems as though he has found the leak, but we're not too sure....we'll find out the next time it rains, I guess. For now, we've got a dehumidifier in it for a few days to suck the moisture out of the floors.

Hopefully, when the trailer is fixed and we've laid a new floor in it, we'll have an opportunity to get out and have some fun. Going to the East coast is out for this year, but we can still do some local camping. Eric and I would LOVE to go out for a weekend alone, just to read and relax. Camping with kids is not so relaxing!!

On another note, we got our cherished bulldog back from the breeder today. We're hoping for a big 'ole litter of puppies on August the 11th! And then we'll be hoping for a litter of bulldog buyers with big 'ole wallets!! The experience has been very interesting so far and it can only get more interesting when the pups are delivered. I guess it's not a horrible thing that we can't go away for a month in our trailer this year because with a pregnant bulldog it might have been a bit tricky. So, we'll stay around the house and do some weekend trips this summer. And I will be working which makes me happy:) Happy, happy, happy!!

Life is Good.

It's been a great week. On Tuesday, on my way home from the hospital, I got a phone call- I got the job!! The job that I completely "went for", the job that I switched placements at the last minute for.....the one that is made for me! The job that encompasses every skill that I possess.....

The job that I hope I love.

I also finished school today. So that makes my week even BETTER. I am done working for free. I am done with taking everyone's "advice" about how to fold towels or load a suture.

I AM DONE.

Now, I have a few weeks off before I get back on the working train. I plan on taking the time to relax (and NOT do homework or excessive reading about sterility), organize my closet (again), and start running again. I have been very negligent with my running for the last 5 weeks and I feel horrible.....so lazy and weak! I gave myself a "hall pass" when it came to running while I was working fulltime in the hospital. Getting up at 5:30 am to drag my ass to work wasn't conducive to running or any workout routine, for that matter! I know that sounds like an excuse, but running just wasn't as big of a priority for me as sleeping! So for the next 3 weeks- I will be running and weight lifting!!

On another note, I sent my mom home today... she has been an absolute God-send. Even with pneumonia! She came, she stayed, she babysat, she even did some gardening! The woman is an enigma! And when I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye she said, "I am so proud of you for doing it, Joanne." It made me want to cry! At 38 years old, my momma made me feel like crying for being proud of me!! It was worth the blood, sweat and tears just to make make my parents proud.

Any-hoo-hah, it's time for me to start my decompression. Deep breathing, red wine and some Indian food for a little celebratory dinner.....can't get much better than that, can it? Oh yeah! PLUS- my super hot husband!

Life is good.

Look!! Something Shiny!!!!!

People who meet me think I'm quite normal. People who know me are not fooled. I am a sucker for punishment, a glutton for pain! I have a problem with over-extending myself with "things"...not, like, playdates or appointments....but more like I have this compulsion to be doing 10 different things at once and none of them "jive" with each other. For example, right now I am working fulltime in the OR, selling a line of jewellery, being a mom and breeding our bulldog. I am CRAZY!! I just can't say no to anything that interests me at the time. It's great for learning time-management skills but it's horrible when I have 4 or 5 balls in the air at once and I feel like I'm about to drop one (or all)... Nevertheless, I am crazy and always have been so those who love me just learn to accept me.

We took the dog to the breeder's house today to become impregnated. She has to stay for 7 days and then we hope she comes home knocked-up...he's had 100% success rate with his inseminations for the past year so we're pretty optimistic that she'll come home with a bellyfull. He was concerned that the kids would miss their pet so he sent us home with a "loaner" bulldog named Darlington. Can you imagine?? A loaner dog?!!? Anyhow, she's not nearly as cute as our beloved Jewel, but the kids are loving her because she's new and different. It's kinda funny- the kids like new and different things and so do I. Hmmmm....maybe I need to grow up? Whatever. I figure that if I need new and different things in my life often it just means that I don't want to get bored. And being me never gets boring!!

Thank GOD for my sweet, understanding, level-headed husband because he loves me no matter what shiny, new thing I'm chasing next.

Time.

I recently had a conversation with my mom about, well, being a mom. She asked me, "if you had known what you know about having kids, would you still have had them?" I had to think about that for a few minutes......I mean, I LOVE my kids. But I realize that I have absolutely no time to myself. This is not some "ah-hah!" moment for me- I have felt it for about 17 years! So I had to be honest with my mom and say, "sometimes I would like to be childless."

Maybe I'm a monster for saying that. I don't feel like one, but I have to keep it real, here....I'm sure there are moments for every parent where they reminisce about all the time they used to have. As Eric says, "I never knew how much time I had until I had kids and it was all gone." Well, as a woman who started having kids early I guess I never had too much time to "sow my oats" before I had a kid attached to my young, perky breasts. So, yeah, I do wish I could go back and experience my 20's in a reckless, immature manner sometimes. But I would never, ever change the fact that I had my 4 beautiful, healthy kids.

Time is a funny thing. It seems that when you are young and short on time, it's when you need it the most; when you are old and have lots of time, you go to bed at 8:30pm and waste it all....No matter how hard I try to find some for myself these days, time eludes me....

It also occurs to me that I have just wasted 15 minutes of precious time bitching about having no time. ;-)