Pain.

The pain of loss is profound. It is a lonely, cold and empty feeling. Yearning, wishing, hoping....they are all useless when it comes to loss. I've noticed that there has been a process that I've had to endure since Brandon moved away; and it looks a lot like the grieving process...denial, anger, sadness....these are all familiar to me. I am now at a point of acceptance. I accept that he is gone. I accept that I am no longer a big part of his life. I even accept that he doesn't return my calls very often.

I know that Eric has been worried about me and I'm sure he thought that I would have a much harder time with the fact that Brandon is no longer an active member of this family. I mean, it's hard for me to even type that statement. But I am honestly getting used to the peace and quiet in the house, but even more so, in my mind. I am no longer plagued with thoughts, thoughts, emotions surrounding Brandon. My mind is starting to feel freed from the prison of never-ending anxiety. My heart is starting to heal. My feelings are still hurt, but they won't be forever.

I love that kid so much.

Wordless Wednesday...an Oldie but a Goodie!

Tired and just....tired.

I know I'm getting old and tired. I feel it in my bones, the way I wake up at 5:30am every day, the way I fall asleep on the couch at 8pm....I can feel it when I'm raising my second 'round of kids too. Kristen and Sam are not getting the same amount of discipline as Emma and Brandon because, quite frankly, I'm tired as hell.

I get mad at myself sometimes, but not for long because I don't want to waste my precious energy on beating myself up over it. I have a lot of other things to beat myself over, believe me!

So today, in the Fracture Clinic, I really saw myself through the eyes of others. There were about 100 of us in the waiting room. The clinic ran about 90 minutes late, so I had lots of chances to not discipline my kids....it's not that they were horrible little assholes, running around and banging into people's broken limbs or anything. They just fought a lot and tattled a lot (ugh!)...I know that they were bored and that's cool; I was bored too! But today I noticed that I'm not as uptight about teaching them lessons EVERY time I have the chance.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not as old as I feel. Maybe I'm just mature enough to know that a dog chasing his tail is just that- a dog chasing his tail. He never catches it, right? I think I have just realized that I am not going to gain anything by nailing the kids every time I get the chance. Plus, I don't want to get out of my rocking chair everytime I have an opportunity. Can ya blame me?!!?

Intimate Moments.

Our dog gave birth to triplets last week and it was one of the most intimate moments that my husband and I have had.

Isn't that weird?!!?

I mean, we're not weird people....we realize that Jewel is only a dog. But she has been such a part of our family and we felt such pride and excitement when those puppies were born! As a woman who's had 4 kids I felt, for the first time, the excitement and anxiety that comes with waiting for a birth.

It started a few weeks ago when the local vet did the xrays and said, "I'm sorry. There is nothing on the xray that suggests that Jewel is pregnant. There is a condition called a false pregnancy that some dogs will experience." I left that vet's office in tears. I know my dog and I knew that she was changing, physically and emotionally. But I tried to accept the fact that there was a good chance that she wasn't pregnant.

Until I felt those suckers moving.

It was almost as exciting as when I felt my own children move about in my stomach! It was the confirmation that we needed to continue to nurture our dog and to bring those puppies to term. It was the reason we planned a week of vacation around a c-section. And it was the reason we were so excited when the vet technician brought us a box with 3 brand-spankin'-new girl bulldog puppies. It was as though we knew in our hearts that Jewel was pregnant and technology hadn't quite caught up with it yet.

An entire series of events happened to make our sweet, sweet Jewel give birth to her triplets. And we were so excited and ecstatic to be a part of it that it became a very, very intimate moment for us.

What marriage doesn't need more of those?

Girl Power!!

It amazes me sometimes, how painful life can be. I have felt it during my 38 years and I am certain that I'll feel it again. But when you have a friend (or two) in pain, it can feel just as excruciating as if you were going through it yourself. Especially if you know what they are going through....because, you can't make the pain go away and you KNOW that it is a long road back to feeling good about yourself again. So, what is a friend to do??? I've come to realize that the only thing you can do is implement the 3 L's- Listen, Love and Laugh. The trick is not to laugh when you should be listening. This is why men are not great at implementing the 3 L's. Let's be realistic here- men are great at a LOT of things but listening really isn't one of them. This is the reason that I cherish my girlfriends soooo much! I mean, I really, really love my husband. He is the person I chose to walk through life with! But, my girls are listening when they should and they never, EVER ask me, "Do you want me to listen right now? Or offer you advice?? My girls know when to call, when to suggest wine-drinking and what to say at ALL TIMES. My girls are a great group of women- we all share the same issues with children, aging, husbands and life. My girls are all from different geographical areas and walks of life....most of them don't even know each other! But I guarantee that if I gathered all my girls into the same room at the same time they would all LOVE each other.

Maybe that's not such a bad idea?

Dreams not Lost

So much to report....so little time......

The vet's x-ray reports no babies in our beloved Bulldog's belly at this time. But I refuse to accept! The dog has teats hanging down to "here" and her personality has changed to a sweet, calm bulldog. She has grown a belly and she is unable to walk more than 150 feet, so I refuse to accept the fact that she isn't pregnant. NOT to mention the fact that I am sure I FELT movement in her belly just today! We are taking her to the breeder's vet on Friday, so I am certain that I'll have good news by then. Our breeder assures us that an x-ray is NOT an accurate measure of whether a bulldog is pregnant or not, especially if the pregnancy isn't far enough along. So I am using my Childbirth Nurse instincts to gauge her signs of pregnancy and, I'm sorry, but I KNOW that I felt some movement in her belly today.

We finally went camping this weekend. It was FUN!! My husband did an amazing job on the floor in the trailer and it doesn't smell at all. I am really looking forward to taking the kids to Niagara Falls next week in it! We had Brandon for the weekend and he was a bit of a teenaged-asshole.....found friends, dumped us for friends, didn't see him enough. I guess some of it has to do with his age, but some also has to do with his personality and that is HARD to accept. But I do. When his dad dropped him off at the campsite, he stayed for a beer so that is moving forward!! I was so happy to have the extra 20 minutes with him to talk about BJ and what is going on in his life! I guess that is progression right there, right?!!?

Kristen broke her wrist on Saturday, which really sucked. We spent 4 hrs in the emergency department at Northumberland Hospital in Cobourg on Saturday morning. She was a trooper and when we got back to our campsite, she managed her pain with Tylenol, a cast and a sling. We refused to let it ruin our first camping trip this year. The really suck-y part is that she'll have a cast on for 4-6 weeks.....that just about covers our 2 weeks of holidays in Niagara Falls and Manitoulin Island.....poor Krissy!! In the meantime, we are looking for a device to cover her cast that allows her to swim without getting it wet!