Pain.

The pain of loss is profound. It is a lonely, cold and empty feeling. Yearning, wishing, hoping....they are all useless when it comes to loss. I've noticed that there has been a process that I've had to endure since Brandon moved away; and it looks a lot like the grieving process...denial, anger, sadness....these are all familiar to me. I am now at a point of acceptance. I accept that he is gone. I accept that I am no longer a big part of his life. I even accept that he doesn't return my calls very often.

I know that Eric has been worried about me and I'm sure he thought that I would have a much harder time with the fact that Brandon is no longer an active member of this family. I mean, it's hard for me to even type that statement. But I am honestly getting used to the peace and quiet in the house, but even more so, in my mind. I am no longer plagued with thoughts, thoughts, emotions surrounding Brandon. My mind is starting to feel freed from the prison of never-ending anxiety. My heart is starting to heal. My feelings are still hurt, but they won't be forever.

I love that kid so much.

The Black Hole.

I hate to admit this, but I'm pretty sure that teenaged son of mine has a bunch of air where his brain is supposed to be. That is the only explanation for what he did today.

I finished school early this afternoon and went straight to the high school to make sure Brandon was ok to walk the 1.5 miles to work. It was his first day and I was excited for him, but to be TOTALLY honest I wanted to make sure he remembered that he was supposed to work. I saw him walking up the sidewalk in a t-shirt (it was -7 degrees C. with the windchill), his arm in his sling and carrying a bag over his good shoulder. So, I yelled and he came over with a huge grin on his face. I asked him how his day was. "Horrible", he said. I asked him why it was so bad and he said, "I rolled over on my shoulder in the night and it hurt so bad so I took some codeine. Emma didn't wake me up for school this morning and I slept 'till 10 o'clock! So, I had to use my longboard to get to school." Hmmmm.... his longboard? With a separated shoulder? So he continues, "I wiped out on my longboard and now my shoulder kills."

**sigh**

I just don't even know what to say. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. But I guess that's just what teenagers are, right? Anyhow, yesterday I only saw physiotherapy in my future. Today, I see physio AND surgery. Gawd!!!

Maybe it's in the DNA??

Well, it's no secret that have struggled with Brandon's inability to pay attention in school. It started in grade 1 when he had to participate in the reading recovery program because he was not capable of sitting and learning to read. In grade 3, a teacher put a desk with 3 sides (like blinders) in the back corner of her classroom and Brandon was forced to sit at it. Parent/teacher conferences, interventions, meetings, oh my! By the time he reached grade 8, Eric and I were pulling our hair out!!!!

Bad news for us- looks like Kristen has a similar problem.

Her teacher has mentioned that she's often "in her own little world, because she's so smart!" (anchoring the negative with a positive) and that she does have a hard time sitting in circle-time without fidgeting. We weren't surprised....after all, we have suffered through movies, concerts, long drives with her... but last night something different happened- In her agenda was a note from her teacher,

"Kristen is having a hard time with subtraction. Please practice at home."

WTF?!!? KRISTEN? KRISTEN is having a hard time at school?????!!!!!???? Kristen is our free-spirited, confident, outspoken, over-achieving one....how could she be having a hard time at anything?

So, after my initial shock at the note, we sat down and did some subtraction. An entire page, actually. Sometimes she needed her fingers, sometimes she tried to visualize it...but she got every question right. So, I asked her...."Kristen, are you having a hard time with subtraction?" to which she replied, "Well.....sometimes I have a hard time seeing the numbers in my head because of the noise. Even when I wear the headphones I can still hear the noise." Now I'm confused. So I asked her...."What headphones?"and she said, "The headphones that Mrs. Lee gave me to cut out the noise." Hmmmm.....I suddenly had a wicked case of deja vu....it's grade 1 and it's a different kid, but the similarities are frightening!

"Well," I said to her, "sometimes it's easier to see the numbers if you close your eyes." So she closed her eyes tight and said, "Yeah! That IS easier!"

Crisis averted- for now. I hate to sound dramatic but I really don't want to go down this road again! I guess the good news for Kristen is that Brandon has FORCED us to explore new techniques and find patience when there didn't seem to be any available. Hopefully that will help us guide her down this path with love and understanding.

A pity party and I'm the guest of honour...

I realize that lately I've been feeling a little sorry for myself. I feel as though I have no time for myself and that I'm always at the mercy of others and, more importantly, others' moods... and it's actually all true.... I have very little time to myself and I am responsible for the happiness of 4 kids, a husband and 2 dogs (we have my parents' dog for the winter). Absolutely nothing has changed in my life to bring about these feelings as I've been doing this routine for, oh, almost 17 years.......but the more I think about it, the more I believe that I am trying to "convince" myself that I deserve to go back to school. It's crazy, isn't it?!!? I mean, OF COURSE I deserve to go to school.....everyone deserves to learn and choose a career path! Right????

Now, it's no secret that my career path has taken a few detours and faced some roadblocks. I will forever be amazed by my husband's ability to work at the same company for 15 years....I came to the realization, LONG AGO, that I need a lot of variety in all aspects of my life to feel vibrant and alive. I'm sure that's why I ended up with 4 kids! (well, that and a stud-ly husband!) I really believe that everything happens for a reason and that we are creators of our own destiny by the choices we make...this is particularily good thing for my brother, who fired me in August....and I believe that I was forced to make some tough decisions when he let me go. Decisions about my career, my family, myself.

Decisions that I had been avoiding.

So, for me, 2009 signals the end of my pity party. A party at which I was the guest of honour for the last 4 months; where I drank and ate and complained.

This is the beginning of Joanne.

Willpower? What willpower?

Last night Eric and I went out to dinner with our friends Jay and Mona. We're trying not to socialize around food much anymore, but we have had a couple of dinner dates planned for awhile and this was one of them. And we went to a local Italian restaurant, Al Casale. Which is Italian for OH MY GOD THIS FOOD IS F**KING AMAZING!!!!!!. And of course, there was wine....there's ALWAYS wine.......

So, while I was attempting to apply some of the tips from Dr. Phil's book on weight loss (self-talk, visualization) I found myself drinking red wine and eating lots of cheese and bread. Damn! The food was so good and I lost a bit of control...when dinner was over, everyone started ordering dessert and there was no amount of deep frickin' breathing that could keep me away from the owner's own tiramisu.....it was a religious experience for me. I'm not gonna lie.

So, today I have a bit of "buyer's remorse" and a lot of calories to work off. I have learned a little lesson about myself too....

I cannot be trusted around food.

So, as I clean out our cupboards and attempt to create a "No Fail Environment" I will have time to think about "what my payoff is" for repeating the same eating mistakes again and again. It turns out that willpower doesn't really have anything to do with it. Thank God, 'cause I don't have any willpower!!!!!!

Just shut your mouth and smile. Shut your mouth and smile.....

Being the mom of a teenaged girl is never easy. On any given day I experience a range of emotions from love so deep it knows no depth, to irritation (like tin foil on a filling), to complete and utter disbelief that someone so much younger than me can know everything.

Today, I feel a little bit offended and it's for a very odd reason. You see, Emma and her best friend Gillian dyed their hair last night.

They are both natural redheads like me, and I couldn't believe that they wanted to colour their hair BROWN. Brown. Brown like soil. Don't get me wrong here- I have nothing against brown hair and people who are born with it should stay brunette.... but Emma was born with the MOST BEAUTIFUL auburn hair. You can't recreate it! And she chose to cover it up. And I just don't get it. I worked hard at making that girl and birthing that beautiful red head so I'm taking this a little personally, even though she tells me not to.

I HATE that she makes her own damn choices now. But I'm just going to put a smile on my face and shut the hell up. :)

PS Check out the before and after pics.

Have I mentioned.....?

That Kristen is a bit of a fashionista? Well, she sure thinks so! Here is a pic I snapped of her before she bounced off to school this morning....looking like a hooker/librarian/Vegas showgirl at Halloween.....

I'm staying in my jammies all day today.

I am bound and determined to spend a day in my pajamas. It's so cold and so snowy out and I just feel like hibernating today, ok? AND- if I have to go out and drive somebody somewhere or pick them up, they can expect to see me in my damn jammies.

Last night Emma broke her curfew and arrived home almost an hour late. I hate it when she does shit like that 'cause now I have to ground her. And I HATE being the bad guy all the time, especially when it comes to breaking a curfew! Oh boy, do I remember being the one who had to leave the party earlier than everyone else because of my curfew. God! I hated that! But 12:30 am for a 16 year-old is not unreasonable, is it? She's been going to all these parties that the grade 12's are having (because she's a cheerleader) so it may seem like she has to leave too early, but some of those kids are 18 and probably don't even have curfews at all! Anyhow, that's just a little piece of business that I'll have to take care of today while I'm wearing my jammies.

My friend Karen probably isn't staying in her jammies all day today. She has to buy a house and move in 2 months. I guess moving in 2 months isn't really that big of a problem...but she actually has to look for, offer, and unconditionally buy a house, like, within the next 2 weeks because her house is officially sold (YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!) I keep telling her to look at the glass as half-full, but she just sees a glass full of a homeless family in the dead of winter. I guess that would really suck. Anyhow, I can't be there physically to help her out due to the distance, weather, family stuff...but I CAN remind her to not just buy the first house that comes along out of desperation. I can also point out that maybe, just maybe- this is a sign from "above" that she should be moving a couple hours south to live closer to me? Then we could sit in our jammies all day on a Sunday together!!

Six in the Suburbs Begins!

So, I'm a mom. I'm a mom who is not perfect...I have 4 kids and, quite honestly, I don't know what I'm doing at least 50% of the time.

My kids are Emma (16), Brandon(14), Kristen (6) and Sam (4). You would think that after having 4 kids I might have this parenting thing down, right? WRONG! Every time I have to deal with some kid-tastophe I feel all akward like a first date or something.

Teenagers are the most frightening thing I've ever been forced to deal with. I say "forced" because being a parent to a teenager is clearly not a choice. I mean, if we KNEW what that sweet, little 9lb baby was going to be like in 14 years we may have made the choice to shove it back in, you know?

So begins my journey into blogland. As I gather my thoughts into blogs, I will take you on a journey to a suburb of Toronto into a land known as PARENTHOOD. It's scary, it's funny, it's sad and it's going to be very real.