I am a great believer that everything happens for a reason. It is not always easy to see that when some shitty thing is happening to you, but in the end it is true nonetheless. And so I am trying to find the reason for my latest heartbreak......
Brandon was supposed to move home last week but at the 11th hour he decided to stay with his dad. It really doesn't make any sense because he was begging to move home over the Christmas holidays, but now he is adamant that he wants to stay. It really is not the best thing for Brandon, to stay there, but it is clearly the best thing for the other 5 members of his family here at home. So, I accepted his decision and told him that if he decides to stay now, he is staying for the long term because I can't ask everyone here to keep making life adjustments to suit him. So, in short, Brandon has broken my heart YET AGAIN. And let me tell you- it hurts like HELL. So finding the reason for all of this pain is not clearly visible. Yet. But I have faith that it will...in fact, one of my best friends always says, ".....shit works out." I have faith in that right now!
When I think about it, maybe this is all divine intervention to ensure that I can focus on my career and not be distracted by Brandon's bullsh*t? I mean, this operating room thing is the hardest career move I have ever made and dealing with the day-to-day issues of a troubled teen just wouldn't help me focus...in fact, it has been proven to hinder my performance at work- take last Friday, for example...the day Brandon was supposed to move home but he decided not to- was the worst day that I have had at work yet! I couldn't stop contaminating myself, I screwed up the simplest things and I kept making really stupid mistakes over and over. I left work in tears and I know that if it hadn't been a Friday, with 2 days off before I had to go back, I wouldn't have gone back. It is that simple. One problem with Brandon resulted in no sleep, tears, no concentration and a completely screwed up day at work! I was actually dreading Monday, but I had a chance to regroup and change my attitude and it was one of my greatest days ever!
I am no expert at life. In fact, I am just suffering greatly like everyone else. But I do believe in a higher order of events. I also believe that nothing happens without a reason...even if that reason does not become obvious for a long time. So, with that in mind, I am attempting to continue to learn a new career while mending my broken heart and missing my child like crazy, all while raising 3 other kids at home. Life moves on!
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