Raising a family is tough shit work.

I am struggling here, folks.

I'm struggling with kids, work, dogs, marriage, kids, kids, kids........I'm sure it's the same bullshit most other families are dealing with, but right now it seems like it's all about me! I'm tapped out, babies!!!! The noise that Sam and Kristen make during their waking hours would make most people's ears bleed. It's unbelievable and it's my reality at the same time. Sam, as the youngest, refuses to grow up at all. Kristen, one of the middles, refuses to accept that she's NOT a parent. Brandon, another middle, won't call home. And Emma, the oldest, seems to be breaking under the pressure of being the firstborn a little bit. You know how it is with these kids- she comes home in time to make curfew because she's a "good girl" but then she pukes in the toilet from too much fun. I am just living the FREAKIN' DREAM here people!!

A couple of weeks ago, when I realized that I could also be an active participant in my own life, I decided to send a resume to my local hospital for a position in their operating room. Now I have a job interview! It's wonderful and it's scary all at the same time....I do love my job in the Childbirth Centre and I would love to stay on in some capacity, but I did just spend 7 precious months of my time becoming an operating room nurse. And I'm pretty sure that they have waaaay better hours than the 12 hour night shifts I've been pulling for the last 4 months! Don't get me wrong- I really enjoy my job and I hope to stay on in some capacity (maybe casual?). But I have to think about myself as a mid-life aged nurse and I'm not sure that working 40 minutes from home working nights is a long-long-term plan. The only problem is that I LOVE the babies.

Anyhow, career crisis and kid clusterf**ks aside, I am looking for a little breathing room. Eric is awesome (as always) but we struggle to find time alone. The kids are eating us alive and we swore it would never happen! But, somehow, it just started happening and now we are having a hard time stopping it. Suddenly, we are trapped on this treadmill of appointments, extracurricular activities (not our own!), and responsibility...Ewww!

Raising a family is tough shit work. And I'm not a weak person....but I'm feeling a little worn out.

Wordless Wednesday.....

Just a couple of words, actually.

Bahamas. Booze Cruise. Stranger.

The Best Damn Thing.

You know how great it feels when you make a good decision? Like, when you buy a top that you KNOW is going to look great with at least 3 pairs of the pants hanging in your closet? Or like a pair of shoes that you are going to wear with a bunch of different outfits? That's how I feel about my decision to marry Eric. Since the moment I said "Yes!!" I have never second-guessed myself. He is the yin to my yang, the Clyde to my Bonnie....he's my everything. He's my cheering section, my second opinion, my better half.

He makes me a better parent.
I'm better at my job because of him. I'm a better friend because of him. I love myself more because of him.

I actually love him more than a great top or any pair of shoes. He's more like the best bra you could ever buy with support and lift.

He's my greatest accessory.

He's Eric.

You Can't Always Get What You Want.

It's funny how you can't always get what you want, but you do get what you need....there was a great Rolling Stones song about that, and man!! Mick Jagger was right on the money with that one!

Brandon is home for a couple of days while his dad is away at a conference. The Brandon that left this house in June is not the same Brandon that is sitting in my tv room right now playing XBox with Sam and Kristen. I have never seen him so happy. And not happy in a pot-induced way...more of a contented, focused kind of happy. He has patience that I haven't seen in a long time and he seems to be having a good time with his little brother and sister.

It makes me want him to live at home with us again.

But- I know for a FACT that he wouldn't stay like this if he lived at home. Instead, he would fall into his old habits with his old, bad friends. And even though I am a bit of a selfish person, I would never want him to go back to the ditch he used to live in, ya know what I mean? I really want Brandon to become a happy, well-adjusted person and for whatever reason, he isn't able to find that person here with us.

So, although I really, really, really want Brandon to live with us I know that I can't have it right now. But I do get these brief glimpses of a new and improved Brandon that warms my heart. And that's what I need.

Triplets Became Twins:(

Ya know, life is pretty strange. They say that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe it.....it's just hard to see the reason when something bad is happening to you. Recently, we lost one of our beloved bulldog puppies to a congenital illness. It was heart-wrenching for us, because we had become so attached to our little "Sicky" over the 4 weeks she was alive. We knew she wasn't right- we were hand feeding her around the clock and holding her all the time to keep her comfortable. In the back of our minds we knew she wasn't going to be healthy if she lived...but we fell in love with her sweet face and we probably kept her alive longer because we were selfish. In the end, our sweet little Sicky couldn't breathe and couldn't eat so we made the decision to euthanize her:(

This happened a little less than a week ago and the pain is still there. I'm surprised at how much it actually hurt in the end considering we knew, we knew that she was very sick. But we are moving on with the 2 remaining puppies and loving them while they are with us. We are keeping one of them, for sure, and it sure is hard to consider losing another puppy by selling the remaining one....

So all of this reflection still leads me to wonder: why did a helpless little bulldog puppy have to die? What is the reason??

One thing I know about this for sure? We will NEVER raise another litter of bulldog puppies. We are awesome at taking care of them and any litter of puppies would be lucky to be co-raised by our family.....but we are too soft-hearted to accept how fragile life is.

Rest in Peace, Sicky.

Pain.

The pain of loss is profound. It is a lonely, cold and empty feeling. Yearning, wishing, hoping....they are all useless when it comes to loss. I've noticed that there has been a process that I've had to endure since Brandon moved away; and it looks a lot like the grieving process...denial, anger, sadness....these are all familiar to me. I am now at a point of acceptance. I accept that he is gone. I accept that I am no longer a big part of his life. I even accept that he doesn't return my calls very often.

I know that Eric has been worried about me and I'm sure he thought that I would have a much harder time with the fact that Brandon is no longer an active member of this family. I mean, it's hard for me to even type that statement. But I am honestly getting used to the peace and quiet in the house, but even more so, in my mind. I am no longer plagued with thoughts, thoughts, emotions surrounding Brandon. My mind is starting to feel freed from the prison of never-ending anxiety. My heart is starting to heal. My feelings are still hurt, but they won't be forever.

I love that kid so much.

Wordless Wednesday...an Oldie but a Goodie!