OMG.

OMG. WTF?!!?

Dog is still having "shitting problems". Other dog is having problems going outside because it's too damn cold. Seven year-old is having hormone squirts. Five year-old is, well, a whiny five year-old. Seventeen year-old is going to be eighteen in a couple of weeks and refuses to get her driver's license for some unknown reason. Fifteen year-old is a ski bum who never calls.

Work never stops (at home and at work). I need a freakin' vacation, like, yesterday.

But I am alive. And all this pain makes me aware of that. (I'm kidding!)(a little).

OMG.

Operating Room Drama

I have been hesitant to post much about the operating room because it really is a forbidden world. There are a lot of things going on while a person is having an operation, sometimes even a lot of drama. I experienced some of that drama recently.

There is a surgeon at the hospital where I work who is very good at what he does. He is an excellent surgeon and he is brilliant. What he isn't, is easy to work with......

Before I scrubbed in, the nurses in the room asked me, "Have you ever worked with Dr. "bleep"? ( I am bleeping out his name). "No", I replied. "Well," they said, "he is a very smart man and you can learn a lot from him if you want to." So, I'm thinking, this could be good....he's smart and I can absorb some of it! Win/Win!! "But," the nurse warned, "if he starts saying 'good God almighty' we will know it is time to step in and help you out." So, I'm thinking- Awesome! I can learn AND they are not going to let him eat me alive if things aren't going well! It could be a great day!!

.....could was the key word.....

About 30 minutes into the long case, that surgeon started uttering his "good God almighty's". So, I start looking around the room, expecting someone to come save me. Nobody comes. So, I suck it up and continue to work away, doing the best I can...

About 50 minutes into the case he starts raising his voice. "Motherf*cker! What the hell is the problem with this?!!? Everyone flinches, but nobody saves me.

About 60 minutes into the case- "Motherf*cking C**ksu*ker!!! Why is this happening??" Now, I am getting worried. He is upset with the way the surgery is going so I know that it is bound to come back to me...I mean, I am the only one standing there, right? Certainly I will become this guy's punching bag...and did I ever! Suddenly, if he didn't like the way I handed him something he wouldn't accept it- just stood there with his hand open, waiting, or even worse he would let the instument drop to the bed. JERK!! But, more importantly, NOBODY CAME TO RESCUE ME.....so I started pounding this doctor's hand with the instruments, and all you could hear was his glove slapping. I was feeling pissed off, confused and abandoned...and then I suddenly felt as though I could only count on myself. I quickly realized that he needed me. He needed to be able to count on me even if he was going about it the wrong way.

I felt as though I may be a real-live OR nurse.

At the end of the case, when my face was red from indignation, and the surgical site was closed, the doctor said, "Thank you very much. You did a great job." I wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time! (but, more punch) Because he did teach me a hard lesson- that I have nobody to count on but myself, my skills and my knowledge- and neither does the surgeon I am working with.

I just never want to work with that jerk again.

Divine Order of Events.

I am a great believer that everything happens for a reason. It is not always easy to see that when some shitty thing is happening to you, but in the end it is true nonetheless. And so I am trying to find the reason for my latest heartbreak......

Brandon was supposed to move home last week but at the 11th hour he decided to stay with his dad. It really doesn't make any sense because he was begging to move home over the Christmas holidays, but now he is adamant that he wants to stay. It really is not the best thing for Brandon, to stay there, but it is clearly the best thing for the other 5 members of his family here at home. So, I accepted his decision and told him that if he decides to stay now, he is staying for the long term because I can't ask everyone here to keep making life adjustments to suit him. So, in short, Brandon has broken my heart YET AGAIN. And let me tell you- it hurts like HELL. So finding the reason for all of this pain is not clearly visible. Yet. But I have faith that it will...in fact, one of my best friends always says, ".....shit works out." I have faith in that right now!

When I think about it, maybe this is all divine intervention to ensure that I can focus on my career and not be distracted by Brandon's bullsh*t? I mean, this operating room thing is the hardest career move I have ever made and dealing with the day-to-day issues of a troubled teen just wouldn't help me focus...in fact, it has been proven to hinder my performance at work- take last Friday, for example...the day Brandon was supposed to move home but he decided not to- was the worst day that I have had at work yet! I couldn't stop contaminating myself, I screwed up the simplest things and I kept making really stupid mistakes over and over. I left work in tears and I know that if it hadn't been a Friday, with 2 days off before I had to go back, I wouldn't have gone back. It is that simple. One problem with Brandon resulted in no sleep, tears, no concentration and a completely screwed up day at work! I was actually dreading Monday, but I had a chance to regroup and change my attitude and it was one of my greatest days ever!

I am no expert at life. In fact, I am just suffering greatly like everyone else. But I do believe in a higher order of events. I also believe that nothing happens without a reason...even if that reason does not become obvious for a long time. So, with that in mind, I am attempting to continue to learn a new career while mending my broken heart and missing my child like crazy, all while raising 3 other kids at home. Life moves on!

Technical Difficulties.

I guess that's what you could call my reason for not blogging lately. I really don't get it- I LOVE blogging- it's my personal therapy that is posted on the internet for anyone to read, but I have had such a hard time with it since Brandon moved out. It's not that the drama isn't here anymore, believe me! I've found Emma's fake ID, chewed out Sam for wiping his shitty ass on our face towels (and on towels at other people's houses) and dealt with the ongoing issue of our Bulldog's constipation (whose dog actually gets constipated to the point of needing 3 enemas and a single vet visit to the tune of $300)?!!? The drama continues with learning a new job in the operating room and going back to work fulltime for the first time in years, a dad with a subdural haematoma, a mom with winter burn-out, a troubled teenager moving home in a week, an untroubled teenager who is undoubtedly having sex (thank GOD for leaving the condoms in the bathroom- they are almost gone!) and a couple of other kids who fight all the time. Add on the puppy (still pissing wherever the urge hits her!) and the adult bulldog who made me late for work on Friday morning because she just couldn't pass her stool and had to squat for 15 minutes, and you have a basket case. No wonder I have a red face that needed medical attention (it was only really dry, sensitive skin!) and a really hard time not drinking red wine.

Instead of calling my lack of blogging a "life obstacle" issue, I'm just going to tell you that my problem is that my laptop died (some kid spilled some shit on it). I haven't got a new laptop yet, but my ever-patient, loving husband is working on that as I write this. Well, in actual fact, he is walking the non-shitting bulldog in the hopes that her b

Ban Flakes and Dulcolax will kick in with the exercise and help her produce a great bowel movement that he can pick up with the grocery bag that is CERTAIN to have holes in it.

I am not lying about my life, people. It is all happening to me and around me, whether I like it or not. And in light of the fact that there has been such tragedy in Haiti (God bless them all) I would take my screwed-up life anyday.

Peace.

Ugh. Resolutoin HELL......

They say that time heals all wounds.....and I'm sure that "they" must mean a loooooong period of time. Or maybe I'm just a spiteful bitch who holds a grudge (maybe?!!?), but I am still willing to let my kid move home in about 3 weeks when his first semester is over. Turns out that he is depressed, lonely and not really getting the guidance that he needs from his dad. (REALLY?!!? oops....spiteful bitch is surfacing again....) So, we have decided that he needs to come home, get some therapy, get a job and get a circle of support gathered around him. We, as a collective, have had a nice break from the stress that Brandon was inflicting and we all agree that he deserves another chance. We are refreshed and rested, so let's give this another try shall we??

I have made a few resolutions for the New Year. I would like to lose weight and exercise more (blah, blah, blah)....I am also going to cut back on my red wine consumption (to help with the weight loss). I think I should try to stay out of school this year also, and just focus on settling into the new job. Well, that's a really tough one, but I'll try really hard! Ya know, when I think about resolutions, I am struck by the fact that most people have them. There's a lot of people in the world who see their own faults and weaknesses and who are spending a LOT of time and energy to change themselves. Maybe embracing ourselves is the first step in healthy changes...maybe loving ourselves will just, automatically, make others love us no matter what our weight, colour, or appearance may be? Maybe acceptance is the best resolution of all? After all, if these things were so important to us, wouldn't we have achieved them all before January 1st??

I don't know the answers. All I know is that I will try to do whatever feels good to me. And I hope to GOD that means losing weight and getting into shape.

Christmas.....angry with a touch of hostility

Ahhhhh!!! Christmas vacation is in full swing. It's actually not too bad so far- Christmas Day is over (and with it most of the chaos), Emma has been working a ton, thanks to her job in retail and we managed to spend a snowy 4 days at my parents' farm. Right now, we are caught in that valley between Christmas and New Year's. This is the time when we have moments to reflect, to ponder.......and we have been pondering A LOT about Brandon moving home.

I am really, really stuck. He's acting a bit of an asshole, really. Typical teenager mixed with unexplained anger and a bit of defiance. On one hand, I want my kid to move home so badly it actually hurts. On the other hand, I don't want to introduce all of that drama back into our lives....the other kids and Eric have been quite happy without all of the bullshit Brandon just naturally carries along with him. I want Brandon without the bullshit, and I have the feeling that it's just not possible right now....he seems a little lost, a lot angry and it doesn't seem as though there have been a lot of expectations placed on him at his dad's house. When he moves back home he needs to be ready to put some work into himself, and at this point he just doesn't seem too interested.

So- to move him home, or not to move him home?

As soon as I know, I will turn to my blog.....after all, a girl has to have some form of stress relief, right???

Undecided.

Sometimes I hate being a grown-up. Yeah, I can drink whenever I want and if I don't feel like doing the laundry nobody will yell at me, but sometimes the weight of making life-altering decisions pushes me down. I'm at one of those crossroads in my life. Brandon wants to move home and it's not a decision that I can make with my heart. If I could, he would be at home....but I have 5 other people to consider and that sucks just a little bit.

Turns out he doesn't like living at his dad's house. His dad's girlfriend is "a bitch" (agreed) and it seems as though his dad is sooooo important at his job that he works ridiculous hours and is never home. Add that to the fact that Brandon is missing his siblings and some good home-cooking and you've got a kid that wants to move back home. Seems pretty simple, right? Bad teenager moves away, realizes that life at home was better, moves home and becomes a responsible member of society. Well, I don't have my rose-coloured glasses on this time. That kid can be CHARMING and I refuse to be cast under his spell! I'm sure he has learned that life is better and more comfortable at home but I can't get something out of my mind.......

While we were driving him home on Sunday night, Brandon was talking to us about what he's learned since he left. One of the things he believes is that he was addicted to drugs. Seems that he was addicted to the feeling of being high and that he fell into a crowd of kids who felt the same way. Not his regular group of friends, but some kids that he met at the local coffee shop. Sooooo, while I really want to bring him home, get him counselling and put him in a 12-step program I have to consider the fact that there are other people whose lives will be affected by me "saving" Brandon, yet again. According to Brandon, there is a lot more access to drugs in the small town he currently lives in, but that he's been avoiding that scene. I do believe that because he's passing in school and not skipping class. So, you may ask, why rock the boat if he's doing well? It appears that he's becoming unhappy. I'm afraid that he'll turn to drugs to deal with the pain of not coming home. So, I'm still mulling this situation over. It's not an easy decision to make and in the end I'm sure I'll make the right decision for all 6 of us.

It just sucks.